Viola

I remembered the day I died, or tried to, a rather pathetic failure if you ask me, another thing I failed at. It was a sunny day, I despised the sun. I was in my New York apartment, and I felt really empty, like I have never feel before. I contemplated jumping from the roof, but that would be messy, sliting my wrist and jumping into the pool is also messy. I pitied the woman who found me. I still want to die, but now in a mild manner, simple, quick, definitely not grande.

The doctors asked me Why, so did my Dad. Danielle screamed, and Fiona cried. Cara was shocked into silence, I guess your best friend killing herself can mute you. Lia whispered why why why. Why did I slit my wrist with a kitchen knife and jump in a pool, making it crimson within seconds. Why did I want to kill myself. I don't know, all I know is I didn't want to live , I still don't.

What drives a person to suicide, to that point where they decide to die. The doctors had asked, and all I could do was stare at the ceiling and feel nothing, I am alone, but I've always been.

pathetic

I blink, and I get up as if leaving the room will rid me of the voices. I walk, my footsteps echoing through the empty house. It's been four months since my attempt. I was kept in, with a shrink talking to me, giving me all the reasons to live, and all I wanted to do was disappear, so I did. I packed up everything and moved here, to London.

The look on Danielle's face will haunt me forever

"I know you're trying, but try more" She said.

For the past three months, I have been alone, existing alone, I missed Damien's birthday, missed Xav and Danielle's, I will definitely miss Fiona's. I do believe there are better without me, they are all the colours in one, and I, a dark cloud.

I wrap my hands around myself as I stare at the house, It was a gift from my girls, when I launched my first books, books I can't even bear to look at. I moved here, I didn't settle in, I just needed a place to exist, a place far from them.

Danielle and Xavier are in Italy, no idea what they are doing, but heard they were making some changes to their company. Fiona and Caden are in Los Angeles, this is the first time since their wedding they woudn't be in Italy. I exhale shakingly as I remember their baby girl, she has propably forgotten me, she'll be six months soon, and I miss her -Lily Viola Blu. I blink back tears, knowing that I failed her, I failed all of them.

pathetic.

failure. pathetic failure.

"I know!" I yell, breathing heavily as the house echo.

I fall to the ground, "I know" I whisper, as the tears break free. "I am a pathetic little failure" I say, sobbing, rocking from side to side.

I could only be strong for so long, I faked it for as long as I could, till I couldn't, and I broke. I hold myself as I sob, and I can't help but think that this is how I am meant to be.

____

"Hello, Violet."

I stare at the face of Dr. Chynna Wei, and I say nothing. I expected her call for a while, then I forget about it. It's evening now, and her call woke me up, I fell asleep crying, It's a routine now.

"You look nice." She comments, and I stare at her skin, perfect body, no trace of acne, unlike mine, her smile isn't broken, unlike mine.

she's mocking you.

She's making fun of me, of what I have become. "Don't lie to me." I say, and it comes out hoarse.

"I won't." She says, and I don't believe her.

Danielle's Mom got her for me, I don't want her, but she is not a toy I can return. I say nothing, just staring at my laptop's screen.

"I saw your manuscript, unfinished." She smiles, and I keep my face blank, emotions are something I've learn to master.

"Twisted Fairytale, it was titled, but you only wrote the synopsis, then stopped." She continue, and I say nothing.

"You mentioned your mother and brother, but not your father, why did you cancel it?"

Why did I cancel Twisted Fairytale, I don't know, but of course I say nothing.

"Why did you do it that way?" She asks, and I frown, so she clarifies.

"Why did you slit your wrist and jump in a pool, why that suicide method?"

I stare at her face and I hate her "Because I wanted to." and I slam the laptop shut.

____

The day passes in a blur. I sit by the window, and I stare at the busy street, as the world moves on, and I dig a hole and sink into it. Why that suicide method?, because I wanted to die, to feel pain, to suffer, to sink, to feel the water, feel it pull me in, feel it fill me from within till I burst from the seams, feel it fill up nostrils. I wanted to feel death, and I did, for a while.

I remembered the day I made up my mind to die. It was the day Nina left. I met her at Brown University, in Providence, we became fast friends, and she became my center, how stupid of me because when she left, she took me entire being with her.

I get attached easily, give myself out freely, no wonder I am so empty.

I grew up witrh Danielle and Fiona in Smallville, we had clashes and moments, especially with Fiona's ex boyfriend Luca Dulio who turned out to be a masochistic psychopath, then Xavier and Damon came along, then Cara.

Truth be told, we've come a long way, they've come a long way, and I am happy with how much progress they've made.

Danielle and Xavier are finally together after a decade of bloodshed and family traumas. Caden and Fiona have a baby, their journey has been riddled with addiction and pain, but they've healed. Cara and Tino are one my most beaautiful love story, and I think Cara has the best story.

Nikolas and Taliana have the craziest plot twist, but God, they make me so envious of their love, well, they made me. Damian might not be with someone now, but he's better.

The day I decided to die was Caden and Lia's birthday, I wore a purple gown and I felt pretty, Danielle was so happy, I should have known it won't last. Nina's word are forever stuck in my head -- you want too much, you want to have it all, you are not flexible. you want the fairytale love, you want to have it all, you might have none -- She told me she was freing herselffrom al the bullshit I embody, She told me everyone was going to leave me eventually. I rememeber that day vividly, my eyes cloud from the memory, that was the beginning of the end, the day I broke.