Chapter Three

"I'm not saying you made her leave, ultimately whatever choice we make, we chose to. Nina chose to leave, but, perhaps she was influenced, maybe you deliberately pulled away from her, in hopes that she'll leave, you wanted her to leave, but couldn't actually say it, so in a subtle way you self sabotage your friendship with her by not picking her calls, not returning her messages, drifting apart from her unconciously, because subconciously it has been embedded in you to leave before you're left. Nina left, but you pushed her."

I'm frozen, shocked at her audacity,

"Perhaps this also applies to another aspect of your life with Zayn Som -- "

"Fuck you, Chynna!" I slam the laptop shut.

I made Nina leave? How incredulous. I lay on the floor, feeling the familiar pain in my chest, and I realized I am actually grieving, mourning, but what, if not Nina, what else did I lose?

______

Self Sabotage, unbelievable. It's 3am, and I'm sitting in the kitchen, sipping hot coffee. I've been up for hours dazzled in disbelief and enormous annoyance. I still can't believe Chynna, Is she allowed to lie to her patients?

Aggravated, I walk to the couch, flip my laptop open, I click her name, and call unable to stop myself. It rings for a bit, and I begin to doubt her answering, how foolish of me to call her at this hour, she has a child, she's probabaly tir -

"Viola."

I still, I called, but still shocked.

"Are you okay?" She asks, and I smile. She looks beautiful, peaceful even.

"Fiona." I say with a gentle smile and an aching heart.

"How are you, Vee?" She smiles, packing her brown hair in a bun.

"I'm peachy." I say instantly, and she chuckles.

"Peachy, drop the facade and talk to me." She says, sounding older.

I hesitate, grimacing at my lack of words.

"Shall I start the talking then?" She says, and I see she's being waiting for this.

"You hurt me Violet. You broke my heart, you wrecked it. I was breatsfeeding my baby when I got the call. Do you know what it is like to hear your sister, your closest friend had just tried to kill herself. I couldn't fathom, you broke my heart, and it's still breaking." She says, and I hear the pounding of my heart, I sniff, holding back tears.

"It wrecked my entire existence that you had no reason to live. It's you, Viola, you are the fairest of us all, I named my baby girl after you, and it shakes me to the core that you didn't see yourself the way I see you. You don't like you, you don't want you." She exhales, out of breathe, but continues after.

"We can't keep chosing you. You had to chose you. We couldn't keep chosing you for you. Pick you, Viola - Chose you, not me. All I could think about was how much you hated yourself to hurt yourself, how blind you must be to the beauty you embody." She sniffs, but the tears fall down, and I clench my jaw holding mine to no avail.

"No matter what you have, all the books in the world, all the music at your footstep, everything you want, it still can't and won't save you if you don't chose yourself." She says, cleaning her face, and I'm shaking with sobs.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Fee." Messily, I try to clean my face, but the tears won't stop.

"It's okay. I forgive you, we all do, but you just have to forgive yourself." She smiles, and I nod, still trying to stop the tears. It takes me some minutes to compose myself.

"Are you ready to tell me the reason you called, by this time?" She smiles, and I frown.

"I'm all ears." She urges and my shoulders drop.

"Dr Chynna said I self sabotage my relationship with Nina." I say, and she frowns, "She said I don't think I'm worthy of love, so unconciously, I drift farther away from people that may love me."

"Do you?" She asks, and I frown.

"Do you think you're worthy of love?"

"Of course I am. Everyone is."

"And do you think you self sabotage your relationship?" She asks, and I stare at her in mild annoyance.

"Of course not." I snap.

"You're getting defensive." She states, and I shake my head, this is a lost cause.

"Talk to me as friend, not as a psychologist Fiona." I say, and she hears the plea in my voice. She ponders for a moment before she speaks.

'Do you remember Harry?" She asks, and I nod, he was a guy I went out with in College.

"Harry was perfect for you, he was kind, loving, didn't drink or smoke, he was perfect, and you could still be together. He always checked on you, made all of us dinner, painted Danielle and I nails once, he was one of the guys you went out with that we aproved of." She smiles, and I nod, Harry was amazing, but I don't know where she is going with this.

"Your relationship wiith him lasted for five months,the end was abrupt, and we didn't know why. You blocked him on all social media, and you did this with a huge smile. Why did you break up with Harry?" She asks, and I frown

"This is incredulous. We were nice, but everything has to end." I shrug, still feeling confused

"I believe you are afraid of Love. Harry was in love with you, and that scared you. Zayn was enamoured by you, and you fled. Nina loved you, but in a way you pushed her. Love scares you, the possibilities, everything Love is, It scares you, so you run, you remove yourself from the situation by all means. So, yes, my love, you self sabotage because you are scared, and it's okay to be scared." She smiles, and I don't know how to feel, to openly hear that I deprive myself of Love because I am scared.

I don't know what to say, so I stay silent, amidst the silence I hear -

.