Chapter 5.2

“I’m sorry I’m late, Sir,” saad ko sa guro naming nasa loob na ng classroom.

Tumango lang ito sa akin at itinuro na ang upuan ko bilang pagpayag na pumasok na ako. Nanatiling nakatungo ang aking ulo sa takot na may makasalubong ang aking paningin.

Sa takot na matulala at mag-isip ng kung ano, pinili ko na lang na maging aktibo sa klase. To distract myself from overthinking too much, I’d rather focus myself on something more relevant.

“There is no set of qualifiers for labelling an act as a sexual assault other than lack of consent and approval. Victims are not required to explain or share what they were wearing at that time or if they were drunk. Rape happens because a rapist took advantage of it. It is against the law of humanity and an abuse of physical and emotional power to take over,” seryoso kong pagpapaliwanag. “It is not because of the tight jeans or short skimpy skirts, the alcohol consumptions or in a drunken state, and the lack of power to fight and defend themselves. Rape happens because of the people who are abusive, offensive and cruel enough to do such a crime.”

“Very good, Ms. Velasco!” masayang saad ni Ma’am Rocal. “You are right. Clothing is speciously a big deal in this world of sexual assault and harassment. When an act of sexual assault happens, people commonly ask the questions “What were you wearing?” and “Were you drinking?” which sets the victim onto a seat of shame and dread instead of having the courage to speak up about it. May these questions be asked out of concern or distress; it adds the fact that it contributes to a toxic way of putting the blame on the victim rather to the suspect of the offense. This leads to the destructive, sociological impression used to describe a situation in which rape is normalized due to attitudes about gender and sexuality, and that is the rape culture.”

Tumango-tango ako sa mga ipinaliwanag niya. Noong magtawag ulit siya para sa recitation, mabilis akong nagtaas ng kamay. Ngumiti sa akin si Ma’am Rocal ngunit iba ang tinawag mula sa likuran. Ibinaba ko na lang ang kamay ko at nakinig.

“I believe that people should learn how to avoid asking on the blame questions and start garnering the care and sympathy for the victim who suffered from it. To never objectify and degrade a person’s right to speak up about sexual assault, without the fear of being ashamed of it. We should all think critically about how the media narrate a message about violence and social proclamations of crimes. And lastly, hold the abusers accountable for their actions without giving them the chance to make excuses. Let the survivors know that it’s not their fault.”

“Very good, Ms. Tolmer!”

Nakisabay ako sa palakpakan dahil sumang-ayon sa mga sinabi nito. Sa huli, natapos ang klase na ngiting-ngiti si Ma’am Rocal dahil sa tuwa sa amin.

Noong mag-uwian na para sa tanghalian ay naging maingay na muli sa loob ng classroom, ngunit nanatili pa rin akong tahimik. Rein didn’t even try to talk to me with the foul expression on my face. Magpapaalam na sana akong aalis na ngunit may biglang humawak sa palapulsuhan ko at hinigit ako palabas ng classroom!

“Hoy, Rafael! Saan mo dadalhin ang kaibigan ko?!”

Namamangha akong nag-angat ng tingin kay Rafael na hindi pinansin si Rein at nagpatuloy lang. That was a bold move! We never let them see that we’re this… close!

“Saan tayo pupunta?”

He only frowned at me and carefully pushed me again to enter the tricycle. Sumimangot ako at nagpaubaya na. Umipod agad ako noong siya na ang sasakay.

“Sa Amonpolo po, manong.”

Tumaas lang ang kilay ko sa kaniya ngunit hindi na nagprotesta. ENHS is a bit far from Amonpolo, it will take 20 minutes before we reach there.

“Baka ma-late tayo?”

“Hindi ‘yan,” simple niyang sagot. “You need vitamin sea.”

Sumimangot ako. “Ayos lang ako.”

"Edi sana all."

I pouted and rolled my eyes at him. What a useless rebuttal!

Siya ang nagbayad sa tricycle bago niya ako hinila muli papunta sa karinderya nila Aling Pacing. Ang madalas naming bilhan ng mga pagkain kapag bibisita kami dito. Bumili kami ng kanin at dalawang klase ng ulam bago dumiretso sa Amonpolo.

“Sa dalampasigan ba tayo?” tanong ko.

He snorted. “Sige, doon ka nang matusta ka.”

“Hindi naman mainit masyado.”

“Mainit na nga ang ulo mo ro'n ka pa sa mainit tatambay?”

“Hindi nga kasi mainit masyado.”

“Edi doon ka.”

I glared at him but he only ignored me and continued on fixing the table. Anong problema niya? Mas mukha pa siyang wala sa mood kaysa sa akin.

Inilibot ko ang paningin sa loob ng maliit na kubo. Sabi sa akin ni Rafael, nagpatulong daw siya sa Tito niya para maipatayo ito rito. Hindi ito gaanong kalakihan ngunit may kusina, salas, at banyo. Walang kwarto ngunit ayos na iyon dahil malawak ang living room. Minsan, kapag masakit ang dapo ng araw sa balat ay dito kami sa loob naglalatag. I would lay on the mat and he’ll remain sitting. Ang likod ay nakasandal sa kawayan na sofa. Ang mga kagamitan namin ay pinagtulungan naming dalawa. Ngunit hindi ko maipagkakaila na mas marami siyang bigay kaysa sa akin. So, I made sure that I’ll shoulder the curtains, pillows, and quilts before he could even buy some. Pati ang mga punda at iba pang pambahay na kagamitan.

Pagkatapos naming kumain ay ako na ang nagbolontaryong mag hugas ng mga pinggan. He only sighed and nodded at me before he proceeds to the living room instead. Tinitigan ko siya habang lumalabas sa kusina, bahagyang nagtataka sa kakaibang katahimikan niya bigla. His furrowed eyebrows are telling me that he’s thinking deeply about something. Kaya’t minadali ko ang paghuhugas para mausisa siya.

Noong sundan ko siya sa salas pagkatapos ay naabutan ko siyang tulala lang. Tinikom ko ang labi at dahan-dahang umupo sa tabi niya. Hindi man lang siya lumingon! Mukha ngang malalim ang iniisip.

“Do you still like him?” bigla niyang tanong.

Nakamaang akong napalingon sa kaniya. “Sino?”

He exhaled and leaned his back on the backrest of the sofa. Ang mga mata ay nakaiwas pa rin sa akin.

“Do I have to mention that bastard’s name?”

Umirap ako. “Si Levi ba?”

“Sino pa ba?”

Tumaas ang kilay ko. “Why are you asking?”

“Because I can’t read you,” he murmured. “When it comes to him, I can’t read you.”

“I was never an open book to start with,” I said. “Kaya hindi mo nga ako mababasa.”

“Alam ko kapag galit ka, malungkot, at masaya. Your eyes reflect your emotions so it gives way to your transparency. Pero pagdating sa kaniya, parang blanko ang lahat.”

“Hindi ko na siya gusto…” marahan kong sinabi. “I don’t see the significance of liking him still up to this moment.”

He breathe deeply. “There are aphorisms that feelings don’t fade away, Sebi. They just hide or probably got dominated by other emotions but they don't disappear,” aniya. “That's why there are people who still choose to be with the person who caused them pain because that's what their hearts truly dictates.”

“You think I still like him?”

He remained quiet for a few moments, causing a fluttering feeling inside my chest as I watched his serious expression staring ahead of us. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan habang hinuhulaan kung ano marahil ang nasa isip niya sa oras na ito.

“Hindi ko na siya gusto,” mahina kong pahayag. “Siguro ang kasabihan na ‘yan ay para lamang doon sa mga taong nagmahal ng sobra. Sa sitwasyon ko, hindi naman umabot sa gano’n.”

“But you cried.”

Natigilan ako. Sa kaniyang sinabi ay bigla kong naalala ang mga panahong umiiyak ako sa balikat niya habang nagsusumbong, habang ipinapahayag kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman ko noong mga panahon na 'yon.

“And God knows how much I wanted to destroy him for hurting you.”

Marahan akong napangiti at hindi na sinundan ang kaniyang sinabi. Sa halip, umipod ako palapit sa kaniya. Napalingon siya sa akin dahil doon at nakita ko ang bahagya niyang pagkataranta. I smiled at him before I moved a little closer. Saka ko dahan-dahang ipinatong ang aking ulo sa kaniyang balikat para sumandal doon. I felt him stilled because of it and I can’t help but to giggle. Hindi nagtagal ay huminga na lang siya nang malalim at hinayaan na iyon, sanay na sa akin.

“Do you think it’s foolish to hate all roses just because I got wounded with one of its thorns?” I asked him nonchalantly.

“Don’t ask me that.”

I chuckled. “Why?”

He frowned at me. “I don’t think I’m ready to watch you get fascinated again to another fucking rose, Sebi.”

Tuluyan akong napahalakhak dahil sa sinabi niya. He groaned and pushed me away lightly, naiinis dahil tinatawanan ko siya. He faced me then and immediately gave me a sharp look of a warning. Pabiro kong itinikom ang mga labi habang pigil ang pagngiti. He scowled and looked away, clenching his jaw.

“He wasn’t even a rose,” aniya. “He’s a cactus.”

Hindi ko na napigilan ang malakas na pagtawa dahil doon. Napahawak pa ako sa tiyan ko dahil sa pananakit nito at ramdam ko ang pamamasa ng mga mata dahil sa banta ng luha dala ng sobrang pagkatuwa. Umismid si Rafael ngunit may maliit na ngiti sa labi na pilit niyang itinatago.

“Ang sama mo!” Itinulak ko ang braso niya habang tumatawa pa rin.

“I do not think I could ever name someone decent enough to deserve someone as worthy as you,” he randomly said while staring at me.

Unti-unti akong natigilan sa pagtawa ngunit nanatili ang ngiti sa labi.

"Sure ka?”

“Hmm.”

I tilted my head."Kahit ikaw?"

His lips parted, halatang nabigla sa naging tanong ko. I raised my eyebrows as an encouragement for him to answer my question. Ilang segundo siyang nanatiling nakatitig sa akin at pilit ko iyong nilalabanan kahit bahagyang naiilang na. I pursed my lips and I saw how his eyes dropped there for a second before he cleared his throat and suddenly looked away from me. I blinked in surprise.

“Kahit ako.” 

My heart skipped a beat as his answer gave me a different kind of shiver inside. Hindi ako umimik pang muli at hinayaan ang humahabang katahimikan sa pagitan namin. I suddenly got scared of asking further questions. I didn't want to feed my curiosity at this point. Pakiramdam ko'y kailangan kong kumbinsihin ang sarili na sapat na iyon. Lalo na't mukhang mali na nagtanong pa ako.