Semua Bab Cries Behind Smiles: Bab 11 - Bab 20
29 Bab
Why Thank You
I woke up early in the morning and offered Fajjar. Let me get you straight I'm not punctual in Namaz.I don't know but that regularity I never achieved.Is it me or my abnormal life I don't know.But I came to know that I offer prayer when I want to seek peace and once I get it, I stop praying.I know its bad,Ofcourse I know but that pathetic I am.I always thought of becoming punctual but my light again fades and mingles with darknessThere's darkness still inside me and I don't know I will ever get rid of it because it is a part of my soul.You could protect yourself from others but how could you protect yourself from you.What If danger lies inside you!!I haven't found a way to conquer my that part.My faith is still uncomplete.And I knew it but I haven't find my light not yet.I don't know a part of me still wants to ju
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World Need Kindness
I know I have fallen again.Would you rise me now"*****************************When I reached near the tall white building a.k.a Hospital, my face was contorted into fear.ALLAH TALLAH!!! Just save me this time.I promise I would be a good girl!!I thanked young soldier, he smiled and left.Ok Hayaaat! BE CONFIDENT...Show like everything is cool whether you're shivering inside.Actually I was.I introduced myself to lady at the counter and she told me that, I should talk to Dr.Abdullah about my duty who was currently in ward.I went towards the ward,my nose hitting the typical-hospital-scent.I always hated it.But once you spend a while, you get used to it.Entering in, I notice several people in bandages, injured on beds.I just hate those white sheets.I always thought why can't hospital bed be colourful.
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Hot and Cold
Ok I cry very rarely but when I do a whole sea of sorrows,tears,my pain comes into it.When I cry I cry about each bad thing happening in my life, each betrayal, each loss.Its kind of trigger when it is stimulated, my whole emotions are out.I'm really extremist.I do things to an edge otherwise I don't do them.I also get bored easily. Its like switch of passions that kept switching on and off.Sometimes Chachu tell me that: "You have to maintain stability in life.There should be consistency and steadfastness in your actions."He's right.He's always right.He had an huge insight and maturity which is a weapon of few men.He talks wisdom with so much warmth that I melt into it.While My Baba is opposite.He really don't know how to synchronize his words with the situation.He can't put sense into anyone.But he has his own charms.There are few favourite places of mine to cry.One bathroom,other under my covers on pillow.So In today's case I was
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Knowing but not Knowing
"Why can't you be moon...So that I could gaze at you without thinking its sin"Ok that stupid pain of rejection again bloomed in my heart when today my grandmother called in.She is something very important in my life.After my mother death,she stood for me and my brother when others don't care.She loved us,cared for us.Her eyes showing remorse,pain and affection towards us.She was tough as stone but melted for us.I really love her.She means a lot to me.She called for asking about how I'm doing.She used to say:"My son is big idiot.If he ever hurt you call me.I will bang some sense into his brain through my cane"She has that cane with her which she uses for multifunctions like switching off the button of tv, grabbing the little chair towards herself so that she could lay her one leg on it.As her one leg is swollen, due to cellulitis affecting it 2 years ago.For also kicking my cousins or his grand childrens when they are doing somethi
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Dado Jan (Grand Ma)
After I settled in my home I continued my usual routine.Winters were coming nearer day by day.I hate winters personally because of attack of horrendous flu alongwith runny nose,teary eyes and repeatless sneezing and coughing.But I know a few preventive measures to stay away from Manhoos flu,So I can survive.The best part is Dado would soon be coming.Suddenly that kind-not-so-kind image of my grandmother came in my mind bringing a grin on my face.I really love her.She's my huge support mechanism.All these years my 'Nano Jan' and "Dado Jan" had became motherly figure for me.She's really annoying sometimes barking orders and clearly stating what she doesn't like ,accompanied by scrunching of her nose, and her signature curling of fingers in a snake shape and pointing at the accuser or may I say victim.I laughed remembering those times when she would do that to Shazia Chachi (my father's first brother wife) because she hadn't cook food yet.
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When Right Goes Wrong
So right now I'm at Chachu's home eating breakfast as I haven't any in mine.Dadu is a bit worried.She has a kind of hospital phoebia.I don't know when she is going towards hospital she starts panicking,her hearbeat accelerate at high pace,sweat profused on her forehead."Stop panicking dado.I know you'll be fine.That is nothing big.It would be a minor urinary infection as always"I tried to soothe her a bit.She just nodded at me.We took her towards Central Hospital in urology department.Actually she wasn't feeling fine after her minor diltation in CMH.Her legs started to swell and due to continuos urination she couldn't sleep alnight.Let me tell you guys government hospital is like a minor table or place but patients are crowding like houseflies all over the place.It feels like every person in Pakistan has this disease.And don't ask me about the huge line.We had a call number of 210 .Usually we go to private urologists and have
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He Came Back
Her health was deteriorating day by day.She was lying on hospital bed in ICU ward.Her eyes closed.Breathing ragged, drool with puss, was sometimes leaving her mouth, a cotton was wrapped up near the mouth region.Nasogastric tube was attached, connected through her nose.Her drowsy half opened eyes open once in a while to roam around the room to take us inMe and my younger Aunt(dado's youngest daughter) were standing near her bed.Everyone else was outside coming once in a while to check upon her.Our whole family was ourside the ward...there was a huge crowd.In that moment I realized she was very beloved in everybody eyes.Tears rolled down my cheeks when her eyes connected with mine conveying our last goodbyes.I was trying not to let her go,pleading with my eyes to stay,but her eyes were too tired,too tired that after few moments they dropped down.I knew she was fighter but this time she didn't want to win.SHE was losing the battle of life.
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Tables Turning
I don't know how long my brother drove that car with red eyes,I don't know how much time we travelled,me completely numb.All memories,All her words were playing like photographic slideshow in my brain.I don't even remember when we got down.But the cold wind chilling my warm body made me realized that we are in Murree indeed.Those mountains were eating me up.Our home could be seen from distance.When we entered ,my third chachu family was there.My chachi came early to prepare.Because the world doesn't fall down when you're falling.They don't think what you're bearing, they talk about people clothes.Were their home clean? Did they gave good food on funeral? Did they meet every lady? Why was her daughter not crying? I think she doesn't care enough? Her granddaugter was crying too much,very unsophisticated.These are the stigmas of our society.They know how to raise question on those who are mourning and If their way of mourning is not appealing to them.So
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Marriage
It was the day of my Nikkah(Marriage ceremony).I still can't grasp this fact.Everything was happening so fast that I just surrendered myself to the flow.I have to leave with him after Nikkah.We were having reception later.I was still too shocked by these huge changes in my life.My father might not give me enough love and care but he had shown his love through giving me luxurious and peaceful lifestyle.I was like a princess in his home.I never ever have to beg to anyone for anything.He provided us with everything he can give.I don't know what lies ahead.Whether my in laws would be good to me.Will they treat me well.I'm not used to do heavy hardwork.There were always servant for them.Ya Allah..let me be good wife.Give me enough strength to fulfill all my duties well.I don't wan't to disappoint anyone.They don't want to leave me like that. They want to take me with them. My Chachu didn't want to delay anymore.I still hadn't seen him.I don't care a
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Departure
My face was veiled afterwards.A women came to me and held my hands"Slam bhabhi...I'm Zehra.I'm your husband's sister.I'm daughter of your deceased step mother's sister".She was so beautiful with brown locks and light brown eyes.She was Sabheen Khala daughter.Sabheen khala was married to Pushtoon family.I recalled that much.She died at young age due to car accident alongwith her husband.I heard they have two children.I never caught more because they move outside Pakistan afterwards.Mom sometimes visited them but I never bother to go to their house.I was not close to my step mother's relatives.We barely met at weddings and some gatherings.I never ever imagined in my whole life.I would get married in that family.Now I was literally freaking out.Oh Allah let everything be Ok.Let them be good people.What If they were like tough pushtoons who have gun attached to them.Who never mind to hit their women.No hayaat stop it.They a
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