Cries Behind Smiles

Death is inevitable...Death is the worst reality...It is the balance of life it is the ice cold water that awakens your whole body from the illusions...The illusion of eternity..The illusion of happiness..

Everyone was mourning....

There were cries,screams...Screams from the people I know,

the people whom I saw since my birth .

They were saying something which I can't decipher.I can't understand anything....My grandmother!!!

She was the most patient ,the most kind person I ever saw..

Those eyes which always shine with hope, affection were full of pain, those dark brown eyes of her...She shouted hysterically : "Your world is destroyed my child...Come see your mother....She's gone .....Please see her face..." she was crying hysterically.

It was too difficult for my mind to face the reality. My age was not adequate to understand and grab the consequences. The depth of doom and pain behind these words. I was just trying to understand why they are crying and wailing like a child. I've never seen a death before and why people react in such a way.I wasn't even sure what death means or people don't come back after they die.

MOTHER!!!! MOTHER!!!

I didn't feel pain, I didn't feel sorrow ,I feel numbness. Complete numbness.Nothingness...The worst feeling was I wasn't feeling anything. My childhood inability and innocence wrapped in this cruel situation.

She moved my face towards body that was lifeless...The large black eyes that once held so much light so much life were dead...

That beautiful face was pale ,swollen and blue.

How could she be so still...She was never like this. Her large raven hair were falling behind her face... Never ever I 've seen that face so pale...without smile without laughter....She was not the mother I knew.

She was not that women who can make all my family silent by merely few words, 

whom voice hold the authority 

the power. I recalled her lively beautiful face few days before.We were so happy on Eid.

Then gradually she lost her colour and smiles.Two days before I saw her in I.C.U. Weird machines and tubes were clung to her body.I didn't know what was going with her beside the thing that she was not Ok. She just looked at me with those tired eyes , her usual shine was lost like she knew she was failing at this fight.I didn't even got a chance to talk to her,to be with her.We were always at aunt's home but it didn't feel right.

Me and my brother wanted to go to our home and live normally.But I didn't realize we were never going to be normal.Our life would always be abnormal compared to others.

Then I moved away ,I don't want to see her like this.I haven't cry..Because I haven't known why I should...Whyyy!!! I was too immature and young to know what I've lost..I don't even know what just happened in these past days.

I want to go away from this nuisance ...From this suffocating rhythm of mourning...I don't get why they were hugging me so  sadly ,there was pity in everybody's eyes ,why they were looking like that towards me.

I don't need their pity. What’s wrong...My khala held me, her face contorted into expressions full of pain like it was end of world.

She whispered hiccupping :"You haven't prayed for her life...Hayat tumne dua kun nhe ki (why didn't pray for her life)"

 She was shaking my shoulders.But,I don't have the answer.How could I've known.How could she say that to me?? How could she blame me for my naivety...

I didn't know where my father was 

I didn't know where my brother was...

There were too much people in those valleys of Murree.

Everbody was mourning...The night was full of darkness and pain...There I didn't know at the moment It was turning part of my life..IT WAS MY DOWNFALL!!!!