Not Like Me のすべてのチャプター: チャプター 11 - チャプター 20

I feel bad about Zander. I didn't want to make him sad. I didn't want to make him cry. I am not one-hundred percent certain; he did cry. But I did. I want to imagine we are empaths. Our emotions are cousins, and we can feel each other's pain. I know that that's not the case, though. The first bell rings. Zander isn't in homeroom. I see him drive away from the second-story window. I must have hit a nerve. Sorry Zander, but I don't remember you asking me out. And Brit would hate me. Leslie Thompson sits down next to me."That was so savage."I am a bit startled by her comment. Is she talking to me? "Excuse me?" I ask. I fold my hands on my desk. "You and Aiden Buckland. Damn, I never thought he'd choose someone like you."She glances at me up and down. I know I am not good enough. I'm the ugly duckling being interviewed by a swan. Swans are bitches. They are beautiful and meaningful. "If you're trying to scare me, you can fuck off," I snap. "Whatever, watch yourself. Once Aiden is

The backwoods have always been my safe place. After a hunt with my dad, I would come here and relax. It was the best place on earth to be...to calm and chill. I remember cleaning my gun on that bench. Zander sits down on my sacred bench. I'm not sure how to feel. The pretense of Aiden and I was all a con to get Zander's attention. I fear Aiden will want it to go on for longer than a week or two. Aiden and I have gone on a few dates these last few weeks. And I have enjoyed it. I have enjoyed eating food and laughing with him. I have enjoyed his company. It's been more than pretense at times. But now that I have Zander's attention, I don't know what the fuck to do. "Why am I here, Zander?" I know it's stupid to ask. I'm the one who wanted to chat with him in the first place. I'm the one who wanted Zander to hold me forever. I fell into the arms of another man to get to this conversation in the woods. Well played, Ashley..."I think you know."His eyes look at me the way they did thi

In life, we all have roles to play. Lover, musician, teacher, athlete, daughter, son, or friend. We all have a story in this wonderful thing called life. There are many paths to take, many what-ifs to follow. And sometimes not enough reason to go on. My life is a path with a two-way fork in the middle. The trail for Aiden is straight, predictable, and as clear as glass. The path for Zander is covered by thornbushes, with twists and turns in the road. Zander gave me a choice. It's time I talk to Aiden. But first, I need to be a good friend and be there for Brittany. I've always been there for her. I wish she could be there for me. Stephanie Burnham coming back into my life was no accident. It was fate intervening on my behalf. Steph and I get out of the car. We knock on the Hogan's large door. Mrs. Hogan answers. Luckily, it's a Friday night. I'm sure a sleepover is in my future. I wanted a sleepover with just Steph. Unfortunately, Kyle had to break up with Brit at the worst possibl

Two weeks pass. I never met Zander in the woods. I haven't spoken with Brittany in ages. The Hogan twins have kept their distance from me, and it's for the better. There's nothing wrong with letting go, as long as moving on is the ultimate goal. And for me, that is the only option. I have been lonely these past two weeks. Other than Aiden's company, I've been alone. The raccoons in our house have taken over once again. I found myself talking with one last night. I think I saw Meeko. He still misses Rocket. Stephanie has ignored me. Not that it matters, though. I haven't seen her in years. We didn't talk much during that time. It's not like I was used to having her in my life anymore. Lunch in high school is about peer pressure. I grab my lunch. The milk is pink today. Strawberry milk is disgusting. It makes my stomach ache. I grab apple juice instead. I gran two sub-sandwiches. As I pay the cashier, I realize I have no one but Aiden to sit with. And if he dumps me, I am truly alon

I've agreed to be Madame Claire Dumont's newest student. The truth of these words hasn't hit me yet. It hasn't struck me yet. I'm still not sure my body is capable of dancing. My ankle hurts and aches. I've worn a mask to hide this pain for a long time. Pain killers no longer work for me. Their effects are for everyone else. Everyone else is stronger than me. They can hold out and embrace their pain. I've let it turn me bitter. Sometimes I blame my asshole ways on the drugs that I take...it's the person I am now—the person I'm supposed to be staring back at me in the mirror. My pain has ended my various friendships. I wasn't there for Brittany when Kyle ended their long bullshit relationship. Maybe I should have been there, so I have someone to celebrate this victory with. Instead, I have Aiden Buckland, the man I'm falling for but don't know how to tell. He knows I like him. But he doesn't know how much. He doesn't know how much he means to me. How much his kindness has jump-start