It's 5:38 am. I turn over and see Collin asleep next to me. I'm still naked. Woah, that wasn't a dream. I had sex with Collin. I HAD...SEX... WITH...COLLIN!!"Are you okay, Nat?" Collin says, half asleep."I'm fine. I think I'm going to shower and leave. I don't want Aunt Tara to worry, " I say."Wait, don't leave. Stay for 30 more minutes, " he begs."Alright, but then I'm leaving. My Aunt would freak out about us having sex. And thanks...for being gentle, " I say."Anything for you. I love you. And hey, no pressure on having sex again. I can wait, " Collin says."How can you be so polite all the time?""What do you mean?" He asks."You never expect anything from me, " I reply."I don't own you. Besides, I respect you. Love isn't real without respect. That's what dad used to say anyway, " Collins says."I guess. Well, I appreciate it-more than you know. Not to bring him up, but Chad was never like that. That's what I like about you.""I love you too, Natalie. I'm going to keep tellin

Fighting with Selah is not how I imagined our trip to Italy would be. I've changed since we made our plans. I dated Chad back then. Since then, I've fallen for Collin, fought anorexia, and found out my parents are divorcing. As selfish as this sounds, I don't have time for friends. I want to focus on getting me right. If I'm not me, I can't be a good friend.I know having sex with Collin is playing with fire. The ghosts of my rape will find me and take me captive. I'm ignoring the sirens. Sirens are dangerous creatures that consumed the Greeks with their vocal lies.My life is a web—an intricate entanglement of the choices I have been forced to weave. I've created a web and have pinned Selah in the middle of my problems. I'm the hungry spider that feeds on the fly that she is. When my web breaks, I spin another barrier.... another lie. I wrap Selah around and around like a mummy for later consumption.These are the ways of spiders, and as for myself, I've become a black widow. If you

I arrive at the airport. Sammy greets me. It's so good to see my big sister again. I almost forgot I had one. With all the drama that Italy was, I forgot other people liked me."I'm sorry your trip had to end so quickly, " Sammy says."I'm not. I'll tell you later. Bottom line..." Aunt Tara cuts me off."That Moore woman is a bitch, " Aunt Tara says."Go, Aunt Tara, " Collin says."COLLIN, " Aunt Tara barks.Collin blushes and retreats into his hoodie like a turtle going into its shell."What happened?" Sammy says."Let's just say Mrs. Moore has no compassion for anyone whatsoever. She thinks I'm a problem, and now she doesn't want Selah and me to be friends anymore. Fuck her, " I shout for the entire airport to hear."Are you ready to go home?" Sammy asks while handing all of us Starbucks."Thanks for the coffee, darling. And yes, get us out of here, please, " Aunt Tara says.We are silent in the car. We are exhausted and ready to get on with life. Today would have been another Itali

Two weeks pass. Selah still hasn't said a word to me. I can't believe it. Her mother defeated her-no fair. I'm over the summer. It's been nice going with Collin to pools and beaches. But I'm ready for fall. I'm ready for the chilly air, pumpkin carvings, and apple cider.School is around the corner. I wish Collin weren't homeschooled. He could protect me in the halls. I know Selah will talk to me at school. She's probably waiting for the death of summer to rekindle our friendship. Her mother was a terrible bitch. It's not her fault.I touch the half-heart necklace. It reminds me of Selah. Wow, my birthday was shit this year. Collin and Aunt Tara took me horseback riding as promised. But without Selah, it was hopeless.My sister is glad to see me head back to school. I've been riding Carmel a lot lately. My beautiful horse takes me to all the hidden trails. I forgot about most of them.I'll be starting therapy soon. I am not looking forward to that at all. I don't want to face my ghost

A month goes by. I still haven't forgiven Mrs. Moore. I've needed space to heal. I've needed alone time. Collin has given me space. He takes me to therapy, the beach, and the tavern.Maria Byrd is still an ally for now. We talk about eating. We talk about Mrs. Moore. We talk about movies. It's hard to wrap my mind around all these people in my life. They are beautifully broken people. We are a community of broken puzzles, coming together to make our community picture whole. Imperfection is a beautiful thing.I get on the scale. 113. I'm gaining my weight back. I count calories like a drug addict. It's fucked up thinking. I'm obsessed with the numbers behind food. I'm scared of purging. The toilet used to be my temple. Now my eyes are focused on healing. If I don't heal now, I never will.This year has taught me to trust myself, to make friends, and to love again. Meeting Collin wasn't for nothing. He balanced my inner ying-yang with his peaceful heart. It's taken me to heaven and back