SWEET DEBAUCHERY: AN M/M COLLEGE, CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE のすべてのチャプター: チャプター 61 - チャプター 70

CALEB I used to think the reason I always felt suffocated in church was the sin of my sexuality. Turns out it’s just the thick scent of old, musty wood and cloying sweetness of lilies. My eyes are fixed on the back of Tim’s head as he stands at the altar, his shoulders impossibly straight, a perfect, unyielding pillar. His sprawly hair catching the ecclesiastical light pouring in through the high, stained-glass window. He looks like he’s under a golden spotlight. A divine judgement. He’s luminous. A sickeningly perfect groom. My hands are clenched tightly into a ball, I can feel the seams of my suit pants digging into my palms. Next to me, Vanya’s knee keeps knocking against mine, it’s not a bother, if anything it’s reassuring. I’m not looking at her, but I can feel the weight of her concern. Then the music swells. A grand, theatrical wave of sound from the organ, the beginning of a story. Every head in the church turns towards the doors as they open. And there she is. El

CALEBI haven’t slept in three days. After I ran away from my family, since I vomited on my sister and laid a curse on her husband. In those three it’s been silence from my family, from Ellie. In those three days I’ve sat in this soulless dorm room—I think I’m growing roots. How do I force myself to feel something other than the cold, hollow ache in my chest?My academics are a joke. I can barely bring myself to attend class, let alone focus on my work. The shame from the wedding haunts my days and nights. It sits on my chest, a constant reminder of how I failed Ellie. I’d been fooling around with Tim all while I knew they were engaged, and then what we almost did on Thanksgiving night, how I almost let myself go. I’m so ashamed. Ellie’s right not to speak to me.What about Levi, the cold dread of that night? I always find a way to ruin everything. I know I shouldn't be here. My hand hovers over the Grindr app icon on my phone, a familiar, sick feeling twisting in my gut. After Levi,

CALEB I’m sitting across from Vanya and Tony in the university dining hall. It’s a buzzing Friday afternoon in here. The clatter of trays, a hundred conversations, is an assault on my sense of hearing. Getting chewed out by Vanya about not choosing a tutor yet is an assault on my ego. I’m picking at a salad that looks dangerously close to wilted weeds. "Honestly, what the hell have you been doing?" She scolds. She’s such a mom sometimes. “Been busy.” I grump. “Busy doing nothing, I bet. Caleb you’re going to fail out of this course if you don’t get your act together. This isn’t high school.” “Vanya," Tony grumbles, pushing his tray away. "He hates asking for help. Right Caleb?…….." He trails off. While I think the cold motel room. The look on Tyler's face. The words I made Tyler say about himself, words that are an echo of my own self-loathing. The "sense of power" I felt is gone, replaced by an even bigger fracture. I am just as broken as I was before. "Caleb?" Van

CALEBWalking across campus feels like an impossibly long task. Miles and miles of paved pathways that stretch out like a Himalayan wasteland. The sun is out, the day is bright, and the air is fresh with the newness of spring, but to me, it might as well be winter. Everything feels dulled and gray, like I’m looking at the world through a thick and dirty pane of glass. The events of the previous night that I spent with Tyler are a constant, nagging presence in my mind, a toxic residue I can’t scrub away. I’m exhausted in a way that sleep cannot fix, my body still singing with a nervous energy that makes my skin feel stretched like a balloon. The thought of this tutoring session, an obligation forced on me by Vanya is a fresh layer of misery. The name on the email is generic, something like "Tutor A." It’s a formality, a pointless exercise I just have to get through.I find the classroom in a corner of the academic building. The door is ajar, a small, laminated sign next to it listing

*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•CALEB*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•Outside, the spring air carries a cool, clean breeze that I can only feel when I open my window. Inside my dorm room, I've been living in a quiet state of cognitive freeze for the last week. The tutoring sessions with Levi were my only escape. I showed up to both of them, and only during that time, my mind isn't a chaotic mess of its usual emotion—shame. Levi was direct, patient, and professional, and I found myself able to focus for hours. I still feel like a fraud, like I’m a mess pretending to be whole, but for a few hours a week, I'm able to forget that.The cocooning quiet of my room is shattered by a sudden, knocking on the door that borders on violent. My heart jumps into my throat. I don’t know who it is, but I could make a guess. I don't make a move to see who it is. The knocking gets louder, more aggressive, until it sounds like it’s going to break the