Lahat ng Kabanata ng SUBMISSION 101: Kabanata 11 - Kabanata 20

I'm faring unwell since my last conversation with Harlan just a day before – if I can even call it a conversation. I spent Friday night and Saturday afternoon in bed, cuddled up in my blankets, watching Netflix with my laptop on my chest and my headphones in, icing out my roommate, Rose.I don't mean to push her away. I don't want to. But I can hardly tell her about what is going on with me. Why I'm such a complete wreck. And as much as I want to unload on Rose, that would mean Harlan's termination.I've caught feelings for the professor I never should have been sleeping with in the first place, the man who hasn't told me that whatever is going on between us is to remain devoid of feelings because he doesn't have to. He says it with the iciness in his gaze when he looks at me. He says it in the way he'd curtly text me when he needs me, and the way he immediately forces me away when he's had what he wants.But then there are the other moments.Like the

My breath catches in my throat. Harlan is looking down and smiling; clearly they are engaged in some stupid, delightful conversation. But when he lifts his head and sees me, his smile drops, and his eyes go wide. I look at him, then at her, and then back to him. I take a step back. Suddenly, all the alcohol in my stomach, along with the added horror and fury, roils in my gut. I feel my stomach spasm and my throat open. I'm going to be sick. Now. I shoot him one final, hurt, betrayed expression, before turning on my heel, rushing back through the dance floor with my hand clamped over my mouth. I need fresh air. I need to get out of this fucking club. I slam the front door open and by the grace of god, the first thing I see when I get outside is a metal trashcan on the sidewalk. I stumble up to it, place my hands on either side of the rim, and let myself be sick. It is liquid heartbreak and disgust, but at least I feel some relief when I'm done.

He walks in not three minutes late. I can't keep my head from jerking up and towards the door each time I hear someone arrive, and when he walks through the door, I make eye contact immediately.For a half-second, it looks like he stalls in the doorway, taking me in, as if he’s surprised to see that I'm there at all.My breath catches in my throat and for a moment, I think the wind has been knocked out of me. But the moment he drops his gaze and walks over to his desk to throw down his bag, I exhale, looking down at the table top underneath me and wringing my hands in my lap.The lecture drones on.I don't have any interest in listening to Harlan, and to be honest, am only there for my attendance grade and to spite him. I spend the classroom gazing out the window, my head in my hand, propped up by my elbow on my desk. And for once, Harlan doesn't give me trouble. He picks on kids all the time for not paying attention, but I'm the only one he ever singles out for virt

One foot after the other. That's what I focus on, and the sound of my heels clicking against the sidewalk. My breath is still rapid, my heartbeat thudding in my chest so loud it rings in my ears. I don't know if it is because of what just happened, or because I'm practically power-walking to put as much distance between myself and Holdo Hall as possible.That was close. Too close. Harlan doesn't strike me as a man who is easily shaken. Easily angered, sure, without a doubt.But frightened? Never. But as I watched his eyes follow Vance out of the room, I saw it on his face.It is like we two couldn’t stop ourselves. And it isn't just that we saw the opportunity of us being alone together and impulsively took it. It is even worse. I think back to before Vance knocked on the door. How I felt when I was kissing Harlan. Barely anything would have stopped me. The knowledge of the risk isn't enough to make me use my head and think about what I'm doing. I know it is wrong, too r

I wait for him to speak. He doesn't."And I know that having a letter with someone else's name on it could have meant a million different things. But I don't know I just... you're kind of notoriously mysterious and secretive as it is. The fact that you might not be who you say who you are might actually make you make more sense."Harlan is silent for a few moments."Is this what all this is, then?" he asks finally, gesturing between the two of us. "You trying to play at being a detective and cracking the big case?""Are you fucking serious?" I turn to look at him, my brows knit together, for a moment thinking he is kidding.A part of me is a little outraged for a second; he is the one who doesn't even want to talk about what "this" is. I shake my head."What's happening between us is happening because I..." I swallow back the words I really want to say, "enjoy being with you. I just thought if I figured out the letter on your desk, I could figure out why you.