Disgraceful

Peering through the blurred carriage window, Ava Sofia lost in her restless mind with the scenery flying by. The dark had softened to blue and the silvery mist appeared, soon the shimmering rays would rise from the horizon, bringing her a new day she never expected, yet she had to survive.

Fate had its way of changing life in an instant. Her life had turned upside down in a matter of days. Not a week ago, she was a glowing bride-to-be, eagerly awaiting a new chapter of her life. She thought her happily ever after was about to begin. Now she was an anxious runaway. Surely a new chapter of life was on the way to come. But not in a way that she always imagined.

It was not the first time things didn't come out as she expected, and not the first time the ugly truth was revealed to her. In her early years, life was just perfect. As a child, she had grown in the warmth of a family, been loved and pampered like a princess.

With a loving and caring mother, a high-spirited sister that kept boredom away, and the most generous father. Their family was wealthy, they lived in a big farmhouse in Roseville. She always thought her father was a merchant, since he didn't stay with them and always on trip. He came home twice a month in the weekend, bringing her and her sister, Delilah a lot of expensive gifts. She remembered racing with Del along the corridor everytime father came home, to get to kiss him first. She remembered staring at their parents kissing tenderly and dreaming one day she would have a blissful marriage like them. She remembered having dinner together with her family, talking and laughing, sometimes fighting with Del. Those were the days. Before the bitter reality revealed to her. She would forever cherish the golden memories.

At fourteen she found out the truth. One day, a neighbour invited her to join a short trip to London. She went to London along with her maid. She was fascinated with the glam of the city. Strolling around Bond Street, she was overexcited to see all the fancy shops. When she was passing by a trendy restaurant, she saw him.

Her father, with two girls about her age, and an elegant lady. They were having lunch, talking and laughing. His father looked at the girls with loving eyes and a proud smile just like he did to her and Delilah. The sight plagued her and puzzled her the following days. Father came and went as usual, like nothing had happened. She knew something was wrong, but she could not bring herself to ask to him or mother. Time passed by and slowly, gradually, she began to understand.

Her family was not like what she always thought. Her father was not a merchant, he was a nobleman. Not just another nobleman, he was a bloody duke, the highest rank among nobility. And her mother was his mistress. They never got married. As a matter of fact, she was a bastard. A child born out of wedlock.

Later she knew that her mother, Desiree Marlowe was a legendary actress in her younger days, before she retired and settled with the duke. One by one the layers of truth unraveled. Her grandmother and great grandmother were also mistresses. It was like a curse that lived and passed through generations, in the same time they didn't have any male offspring.

She didn't want to follow the path. Never, under any circumstances. But she knew it would be difficult, if not impossible, to break the chain. No man of a respectable background would ever be willing to marry a woman like her. In every culture, a bastard was a pariah, the lowest of the low in society. Maybe the only choice left was to be a spinster. She knew she wouldn't be happy to live a life like that. She was a hopeless romantic. She was always dreaming of finding her prince charming since she was a little girl.

However, Del seemed like being able to take it better than her. Like she once told her, there were always two sides in a coin. Their situation had its own advantage. To allow her to live in total freedom, not dictated by society rules. To experience anything that was impossible for a respectable woman. As they grew into womanhood, she had became wilder from time to time. She left their quiet hometown to pursue her dream in London. With her bold personality, soon she became famous, or maybe infamous would be an accurate choice of words. Shortly she gained her reputation as a woman libertine and instead of being discreet about her lifestyle, she was very open and proud about it. Always a free spirit, now she was traveling over the world, Ava heard she was somewhere on the desert, far away in the exotic Middle East.

Being aware of her nerves, mother talked to her one night in her bed.

"Sweetie, I understand what you're feeling... It must be difficult to you, but I want to tell you something."

She caressed her hair.

"What I have with your father, I won't exchange it with anything in the world. I won't exchange it with a proper marriage either with any other man."

"I have all I need, my dear. Your father, Del, and you. And I'm grateful every single day. What does a marriage mean if there's no love between the couple? What is a piece of paper worth when the passion for benefit is bigger than the passion for each other? What is a wedding vow if you don't really mean it? It means nothing, sweetheart. Your father and I, we are husband and wife in every way that truly matters. I love him with all my heart just the way he is. I wouldn't have him any other way."

"But it's not enough, mother." She sat on the bed. She couldn't believe her mother would say such selfish, romantic nonsense without considering any consequences that her children might suffer.

"I don't want my children to be called bastard. I don't want to live a lie, I don't want to be hidden in some place where people do not know who I am, what I truly am and pretending to be something I'm not.

"Life is too short to worry about such matters, my dear. I don't care about the people, I have learned to live only for the people who really matters. What matters most to me is our happiness..."

She bit back a tart reply. Our happiness. How easy for her to simplify this. How could she ever be happy to know that she had very little choices for her future? That a proper and rightful life was out of reach? Was her mother so blind to recognize the impact or her wrongdoing to her children.

"There are circumstances I can not change, dear... I wish things could be different, but life doesn't work that way. I'm thankful that I knew what I wanted the most, and I took the chance."

Her mother rose from the bed, walking to the door. She turned back once again before leaving.

"It had taken me all my life to discover this. Be content with what you have, and what you can have. Don't ask for too much, my dear, otherwise you'll lose your only chance."

Although mother seemed to convince her that a life like hers was not bad indeed, somehow she understood Ava's tribulation. A mother would do anything within her reach to make her child happy, she was no exception. One day when he was home, father called her to his study. Ava came and saw him behind the mahogany desk, smiling bright at her.

"I have good news for you, darling. Come here, have a seat."

As she settled in a couch, he continued.

"I have found you an excellent match, my dear. I have just settled things up this morning. You are going to marry, in a few months."

Surprised and excited, her eyes widened. "What? But... how??"

"It's a marriage arrangement, darling." Her mother entered the room and joined her on the couch.

"It's been approved. Your father and your future husband signed the contract this morning."

"His name is Roger Irving. The honourable Roger Patrick William Irving in full name. He is the son of Earl of Berwick."

"Second son, actually. I hope you don't mind that he couldn't make you a countess. But you'll love him at once. He is young and handsome, and amiable as well." Her mother gave her a teasing glance.

"How... how old is he?" She managed to keep her voice from shaking as her heart racing in excitement.

"Twenty eight and very good looking indeed." His father smiled in assurance.

"Be prepared to be jealous, my dear. I've seen ladies fawning over him at a ball for the entire night." He teased her.

"And be prepared to get their jealousy as well," her mother replied "for the man they're after is yours now."

"Do you want to see him?" Father asked. Blushing, she nodded.

"Good. Lord Roger has invited us to visit his London residence next week, so we're going to have a trip, the three of us together."

The next few days became very busy and hectic preparing her departure to London. Desiree ordered no less than twenty new gowns for her, determined to make a strong first impression. They are going to spend all of a month in London.

By the end of the week, they were leaving. She was glad for the pleasant journey. They stayed for a night in father's fancy townhouse, and now the day that she'd been waiting for the whole week had come. They arrived at Irving House on time at four o'clock in the afternoon. It was a classical building with high ceilings and big pillars. A butler opened the main door for them and led them to a large guest room with a magnificent view to the garden. They were sitting on a beautiful velvet upholstery. With each passing second, she became more nervous. She was going to meet her future husband.

"Ava, dear" her mother rose from the couch. "Let's have a better look of the garden. It's splendid." Grateful for the distraction, she followed her to the window. Bathed in the warm afternoon sunlight, the garden looked marvelous.

"Good afternoon, Your Grace, my ladies." called a deep masculine voice from behind. From the corner of her eye, she saw mother turning. Ava took a deep breath before slowly turned to meet him. A man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.