Melodramatic Short Stories & Roommate Karma Novels

My best friend called me sobbing at two in the morning, saying she owed three hundred thousand dollars in online loans and was begging me to save her life. I told her I'd help cover half. She grabbed my phone and transferred all three hundred thousand. "It's just money—why are you being so stingy? You make six figures. Helping me out shouldn't be a big deal." I swallowed it. A month later, she posted Maldives vacation photos on Instagram. When I asked when she planned to pay me back, she replied—right there in the comments, where every mutual friend could see— "God, stop nagging. Maybe spend that energy making more money instead, you cheapskate. So annoying." I screenshotted everything. Then I opened the civil complaint I'd already drafted. This kind of best friend? We could catch up in court.

My supervisor, Jessica Lawson, spotted me coming and going from a multimillion-dollar oceanfront estate in the Hamptons. She decided I'd landed a wealthy man and was about to marry into money. That same night, she dropped the estate's location into the company group chat and invited everyone to a department party there. "Emma Bennett is hosting at her oceanfront estate this weekend. Bring your families. Everyone in the department is invited!" I patiently explained that I was just a part-time caretaker. "My job is literally walking the owner's dog." But the group chat went feral. Everyone ignored me and started placing orders. "Remember to open the Romanée-Conti early so it has time to breathe." "Pick me up in the Lamborghini that day. Ferraris just aren't my vibe." In under ten minutes, more than fifty people had signed up. Jessica tagged me directly. "The catering bill is going under your name. Make us proud, and don't embarrass the boss." I gave a humorless laugh at the endless sign-up list. Richard Hale, the estate's owner, was a boxer who stood nearly six foot six and was built like The Rock. The last thief who trespassed on his property is still in a coma.

I was a familiar face in the police station. I often got into fights and would frequently be thrown into a detention cell. One day, while I was gaming in an arcade, Captain Zimmer showed up again. I was stunned for a few seconds. “Did I beat someone up again? I don’t remember, though.” Captain Zimmer merely took his handcuffs out and put them on me. “Mindy Fawkes, you’re under arrest on suspicion of killing your dormmates.”

My roommate, Claire Lane, hadn't come home in three days. Then our landlady blocked my doorway with Claire's suitcase in her arms. She said Claire had already moved out and told me to sign Claire's move-out confirmation for her. Just as I picked up the pen, rows of red text suddenly appeared before my eyes, floating like real-time comments on a livestream. [Don't sign! She never left!] [That isn't Claire's suitcase. There's evidence inside.] [The moment you sign, that paper will prove she left of her own free will.] [When the police get to the basement storage room, she'll say the key was in your hands the whole time.] The landlady pushed the pen into my hand. "It's only one signature. You're roommates, aren't you? Sign for her so I can refund her security deposit." I put the pen back on the table. "Linda, I can't copy someone else's signature. I'm not signing this."