She Dodged My Parents, I Changed the Bride
Today is the sixth time my girlfriend, Shirley Lake, is supposed to meet my parents.
My parents and I wait at the restaurant for four whole hours. I call her over and over again, but she never picks up. Just as I'm about to try one last time, I see Shirley's childhood sweetheart, Joshua Solomon, post a picture on his Instagram, with the location tagged at a suburban hotel.
The picture shows a woman's pale back, one shoulder bare, with a striking red spider lily tattoo visible on her skin. Underneath the picture was the caption, "We'll make it from 18 to 80."
A mutual friend comments, "First-love couples are the sweetest!"
I silently hit the like button, then comment, "Make sure to get buried together when you die. And don't come back to haunt anyone else."