Funny Jokes For Adults Clean

The day before our engagement, Stellan Graves came shopping with me, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. I bought a chili dog from a street stall and held it up to his mouth only for him to swat it out of my hand, sending it flying to the ground. Fury flashed across his face as he snapped, "Ivy Stein, the Graves family needs a woman who can actually show her face in public. Stop buying cheap trash like this. You're embarrassing me. How do you expect my parents to accept you like this?" I picked up the food in humiliation, threw it into the trash, and nodded meekly for the sake of our four years together in college. "As you wish." … However, the very next day, he switched his fiancee to Amelia Lane. "Ivy, Amelia tried to kill herself just to marry me. She's in the hospital now. Once she's stable again, I'll come back and marry you." Four years later, he showed up at my tiny apartment with a diamond ring in hand. "Ivy, Amelia has already agreed to divorce me. We can finally be together. I told you before—once Amelia lets go of her obsession with me and stops hurting herself, I'll come and marry you." I frowned at Stellan's so-called heartfelt expression. I must have had terrible luck that day. Who'd have thought I'd run into this wacko when I'd come back to my place on a whim?! "Move," I demanded, shoving him out the door. "You're blocking the way. I need to pick up my kid from school."

*Excerpt* My gaze met Sergio's. He didn't look away. I couldn't look away either. It felt like there was an invisible magnet pulling us towards each other. He looked away, breaking us from the trance. "Are you sure you're okay, Nicole?" "Come inside." He shook his head. "I was worried, and—" "Come inside, let's talk." He shook his head again, unyieldingly. "We're already talking." "Are you scared?" I asked in a challenging voice, my gazed fixed on him. "What are you so scared of?" "Nicole..." "To answer your question, no, Sergio, I'm not okay." "What's bothering you?" The vulnerability in his eyes towards me was palpable. It was my chance to act. I couldn't afford to waste it. "You," I replied, my gaze still boring into his. "And your fiancee. I couldn't bear watching you together." Sergio swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I was jealous, Sergio." • *Blurb* In a turn of events, Juliana bears witness to the brutal murder of her father—a sight she never thought she'd witness. Amidst the turmoil, she finds out she's their next target, but somehow, she manages to evade them. Determined to seek closure and justice for what happened to her father, Juliana takes on a new identity as Nicole and embarks on a quest for vengeance against the masterminds. With a heart hardened by grief, she takes on the journey. A journey that would test her limits and push her to do unthinkable things. Will she succeed? Follow her on this journey as she confronts the demon of her past.

Alpha Dominic Crane is in potential trouble. He is about to be challenged by his half-brother, who has just recently taken over their Uncle's pack a week after his death. And although Dom has a dangerous reputation himself, his brother doesn't care and will do anything to collect Dom's territory, even if it means war for both their packs. Afraid that he might be outmatched due to their late uncle's connections, Dom creates a drastic plan.  Natalie West is stuck. As a female werewolf and the daughter of an alpha, one would think she has it all. But she doesn't because she is weak. Or so they all think. When she discovers her father has secured a loveless mating with an Alpha she hates with every fiber of her being, Natalie reaches her last straw. But then an Alpha more ruthless than her fiancé comes blazing into her life with a dangerous proposition that could potentially start a war, but also give her freedom. And Natalie is very tempted to go through with it.  What they both don't know is that things are not as cut-throat as they think. For fate, their wolves, and a very mysterious enemy have other plans for them. 

My wife, Christine Leigh, forced me to the brink of death all for her first love, Henry Carson. To give him a liver transplant, she sent me to the surgery table. I told her I had cancer and that the doctors had advised against the surgery. She just looked at me with an undisguised contempt, "Jason Lowe, stop with your petty tricks. Don't forget, you owe our family your life!" I lowered my head and smiled bitterly. I never left the surgery table.

ELIAN CARPENTER; 24 year old, 6’4 blonde who can only earn a living by picking pockets and doing other petty crimes in order to take care of his disabled sibling. His life takes a drastic turn when he finds an odd note in a stolen wallet. Now he is off to the Stone mansion to commit his biggest crime yet; steal the heir's heart. AIDEN STONE; The 26 year old heir to the Stone family fortune, In order to access his inheritance, his father dictates he must be married but due to an abusive childhood he developed severe social anxiety which makes it difficult for him to form connections. luckily his father never specified who he should married.

This isn't a fairytale. Mirror Mirror on the wall. A fairytale that became her fall. “Over my dead body will I let a man whore father my child. You're in every way incapable, irresponsible and definitely incompetent of becoming a father.” She said with a smile. "Stop acting like a saint, you're not one. You're only pregnant because you're a slut yourself, so what exactly is the difference between you and me?” She stepped up to him with a mocking smile. “Maybe, I'll show him pictures.” Anger flared up inside him. Who the fuck does she think she is? “Show him pictures!?" His fingers grabbed her throat. His eyes held hers. She didn't flinch, instead, a small smile played on her lips. Crazy ass bitch. He isn't used to being challenged. “I don't need to beg you for anything.” He growled. "You have no other option.” She scoffed. "I have a lot of options, Kim.” He continued. "I can take him away from you after birth,” “I want to see you try.” The smile on his face told her otherwise. “What will you do? Take me to court? Fight for custody?” He chuckled. “I can bribe the whole fucking court.” Her heart skipped a beat. No. "You don't get to decide.” He lit a cigarette. "Everything will go my way.” "It'll not!” “Maybe I'll show him your pictures. Or let you visit him once a week, who knows?" He shrugged. “This is my child!" She screamed, tears welled up in her eyes. “So it's either you do as I say, or I'll do as I please." “What do you want?" Hot tears rolled down her cheeks. “Where I come, illegitimate children aren't accepted in the family." “I'm not marrying you!" “I'll never marry you!" She screamed. "You have no choice..”

Seventeen year old Quinn Jackson runs away after being told by her father she's the mate of future Alpha Xavier of a neighbouring pack. With the help of her brother, who doesn't believe this, she runs away, but she's soon found by another Alpha who she starts to fall for, who also says he's her mate. Will she run again, or will Xavier find her before she finds out the truth.

“Camille, I’ll love you forever!” Jameson let out a low, agonized growl. Just as he was about to climax, his phone suddenly began to buzz. He ignored it, of course. Now was hardly the time. However, his phone lit up again. The moment he saw the text on the screen, his body froze. Camille heard him answer the call. “Hello?” In the deep silence of the night, the voice on the phone cut through the stillness, clear and unmistakable. “Jameson, did you know that Sylvia—” Jameson switched languages and cut in with a sharp command, “Keep it down. It's not a good time.” The other person switched languages too, though he was still loud. “The hospital results came in. Sylvia is in the final stages of cancer. She only has a month left! Her last wish is to become your wife. Can you grant her that before she passes?” Jameson’s expression changed immediately. “What?! Wait for me!” He ended the call and turned to Camille. “Camille, something urgent came up. I need to step out for a bit. Be good and stay home. I’ll be back after you’ve had some sleep.” Before she could respond, he rose to wash up, changed his clothes, and left without looking back. Moments later, her phone buzzed. Sylvia: [Camille, you lost. I told you—Jameson has always been mine.] Right above it was a message from three days ago: [If I tell him I have cancer, do you think Jameson will leave you and come to me? I bet he will.] Camille’s gaze slowly shifted from her phone screen to the open bedroom door. What Jameson did not know was that she had already picked up a new language. She understood every word of that call. After a long moment, a faint, bitter smile appeared on her face. “Yeah, I lost...”

It was the year of 1500 and it was currently the Medieval Times. There was a Kingdom somewhere in Europe named Argania which was ruled by King Natan many years from now. In the Moonlit night and starry skies, a twin sisters was born with a case of being an Albino which is a rare occurrence on their Land and they were named Yve and Luna. As they grew up they were kept isolated away from the crowd to avoid dangerous circumstance that might arouse the Arganians curiousity. After a certain year, a plague suddenly arises on their land completely wiping away numbers of population in the Kingdom of Argania and the only cure they believe about is the Blood of an Albino. Will Yve and Luna be able to survive together from selfish and brutal deeds the people intended to do with their bodies? Will they be able to survive the crisis they are facing and the revelation that are bound to come?

Dangerous Desires Book One. I, Zia Walker, take you, Xavier Luciano, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will honor you all the days of my life. 'And above all, I vow not to fall for you.' ~~ Trapped with the responsibility to my family, fate forced me to marry Xavier Luciano. He was the perfect solution to my problems, but there was only one condition he asked before promising me his ‘I do.’ “Don’t fall for me,” was his unbreakable rule. I laughed at him that day, thinking how easy it is to follow his stupid rule. I’m in love with my ex-fiance, his younger brother Calvin, so what could possibly go wrong? I agreed without hesitation, seeing him as the ticket out of my life’s predicament. Like a raging wave, the realization of my vow’s weight crashed on me. How can I fulfill my promise, when even in the darkness and danger that surrounds him, I’m hauled like a moth to a flame? How can I fight the slow burn of falling for my husband? The man I swore to cherish and adore, until death do us part, and the one my heart chose to love. ~~ [Mature Content] ~~ Follow me on lnstagram Castiel_Lj Cover by DobolyuV