Rented Pleasure
And loneliness doesn't help me calm down.
It has been so long since I felt alone the way I do now, sitting at the table with no one to talk to, just with my underwear on, staring at the cup of chamomile tea that I haven't tried yet. I haven't felt so lonely since Joshua died. I know it doesn't do me good to think of him sadly, but I have no other way to do it. It's sadness what I feel when I think about what I couldn't have, about the precarious life I had to give him, about the shit that we put up with when I still didn't have a job. He was too good and I couldn't save him.
I can't cry. I can't unleash a feeling that has been consuming me inside for years. It's too late to let him out.