Novel & Cerita My Body Is Not An Apology

I killed a man again. My eyes remain fixed on his body. He isn't moving and he doesn't look like he is breathing either. Blood keeps spreading underneath him, getting to my feet even. My entire body starts to shake as I move away from the pool of blood, the feeling of being nauseous overtakes me. Tears blur my vision. “I'm sorry.” I cover my mouth. “I'm sorry.” The apology comes out cracked. I don't even know who I am apologizing to.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” He rolled his eyes. “You think I will listen to you because you have money?” I cleared my throat loudly. “I’m not asking you to trust me. Neither am I asking you to be kind to me but I just want to let you know that I’m sorry,” He broke into a laugh and at that point, I couldn’t help but feel stupid. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to apologize on Grayham’s behalf but then I was the one carrying his body. I’m the one who gets all the hostile energy.

I don't want to tell him assurance and then do another. I just want to erase this confusion already. Besides, I have come past the stage of begging for someone else's apologies that moment I realized that not everyone can give you one whole-heartedly. Maybe, half-baked apologies are much painful than ones that were never said. And back then... I almost begged for his apologies as if it was going to build me back up from who I was before--like it was my lifeline just so I could go on with my life. Today I realized I felt pathetic.

"Jenna really needs that prayer. The last time I saw her, God, she was a complete mess. She wouldn't stop crying no matter how many times I told her sorry, it just…" I hit his arm hard, "Well, you don't do that." "Ow," he rubbed his arm. "What was that for?" "I don't know why people don't just get it yet." I ran a hand through my hair. "Saying 'I'm sorry' in no way eases the pain that someone is going through, all it does is exacerbate it. 'I'm sorry' is only just a reminder of the grief, a twist of the knife in the wound they're trying to make heal. Apologizing for the pain that you are not experiencing just doesn't make it right at all."

Then she got in their middle and announced that I had an apology to give them. I hated every moment of it, standing there with the birthday boy hat and apologizing to a bunch of morons who didn't have half the things I did at my disposal, but after I was done, Mum pushed me to the side to ask if I had lost any of part of me to the apology. I had not. I did not grow an extra head or lose my sight. Ineas still whole. Out of habit, I moved my tongue across my teeth to be sure none of them had dropped off. It always felt like I was losing a part of me whenever I had to say sorry.

All throughout the bus ride home, Amber was fuming. She had long since dried her eyes and began to process all she had heard at her mom’s office. And she was livid! She had been played for a fool by the Bryces’. How dare they send her all the way to see her mother for the first time without the entire truth! She was going to rain down hell on them the minute she got home. She was sick and tired of being the weakling always, trampled upon by everyone she ever met! It was time for a change!

I powered up my email and quickly start typing. From: SoafS12@gmail.com To: LiamMc27@gmail.com Subject: Apologies... Respected Sir, I don't know how to start but still... I really want to apologize for what I said tonight. I didn't mean any of it and I am just really really sorry for that. I should have stayed within my boundaries and I am glad that you made me realize what they are... I honestly don't dare to apologize directly because I am too guilty and...a wee bit scared of you, so I decided to apologize in writing..I am really really sorry, once again. I hope you can forgive me.

Even though my heartbeat was deafening, even though I was still trembling from fear of what might happen after, I stood my ground. “I do not forgive either of you,” I said loud and clear for everyone present to hear. They both exchanged glances and Rosita let out a disbelieving laugh. “This fucking bitch,” she hissed under her breath. Leanne nudged me, and I ignored it. I gestured to the material I'd be grabbing onto, the same ones they'd ripped with scissors. “You can't undo this. Hell, you were going to strip me naked!” I pointed to my thigh, the blood was already clotting, but the exposed torn flesh looked nasty. “How does an apology fix this?”

"Instead, I think we all owe you an apology for the way we treated you. Everyone was acting on emotions—on the hurt that they'd endured for so long from Gideon. But we didn't hesitate to hurt someone else just as much as we were hurt." I shook my head. "Please stop, I understand." "It shouldn't be on you to understand. It is on us to apologize to you. And tell you that you deserve better." I had no words. Only the voice of my soul crying about finally being heard. "Come here. See what I'm working on." He was writing something in a book before I entered. Then he opened the book to show me what it was. "It's an article. I will have it published by the end of the week."

I told him as I wiped my tears, but then he held on to my hand as he stared at me. “Cora, I know I was wrong, and that’s why I’m apologizing. Isn’t that enough for….” “Enough? You really think your apology wil wipe off the shame? You think your pathetic apology will erase the pain I got when those people were looking at me like I was the most disgusting himan on the planet? You really think that it only takes one apology from you to erase the trauma I felt from almost being r@ped? Worse of all, do you really think one stupid apology will be enough to erase the mark that has been left in my heart forever that my own mate doesn’t have any trust in me?” I asked him, and he turned away from me.