Chapter one:DeAtH

“How do we tell the sea that we are drowning on land”

Unknown

No. Please,no.

No. Please,no

I chanted slowly, in my head.

“Ummi? (Mother)” Orion called in a shaky voice slightly shaking her.

“Call the ambulance” orion yelled getting off the bed.

“Hey, wake up woman!” My father called out lazily looking at her with disgust.

In my head I wanted to go and help her. In reality I was frozen by fear.

No no no no no

He killed her.

He killed her.

I am next.

“Get her to the car, let's take her to the hospital” damien yelled, taking the car keys, I didn't know when my feet moved on their own to the car.

Nobody seemed to notice I was there because of the chaos happening around.

damien drove like a madman to the hospital, Orion held her like his life was hanging on her but why?

They watched him torture her every day

They watched him kill her.

Now why are they acting like they care about her now?

We finally arrived at the hospital and stopped at the emergency.

“Get me the doctor” he yelled to no one in particular.

The nurses rushed in with a gurney and an asian-american looking doctor and then all of a sudden it was like a rollercoaster that just couldn't stop.

They were throwing words around as they rolled the gurney. I understood it but I couldn't not comprehend it.

Coronary

V.fib

Asystole

Charge.

I heard the word ‘Clear!’ come out of someone's mouth and I saw moms limp body bounce slightly on the bed.

I felt like I was slowly drowning and kept trying to catch my breath. She couldn't die, she just couldn't die.

Please hang on ummi.

Please.

“She is not breathing,we are going to take her into surgery now”the doctor yelled as the nurses began to detach the IV tubes.

Everything and everyone was moving but I was frozen in my head and in reality.

In my head all of this wasn't happening but in reality it was.

I watched them stick a tube down her throat as they intubated her.

My eyes widened, holding a panicked look.

Orion and Damien were shoved out of the way as the doctor wanted to take ummi, I don't think anyone noticed I was there.

I wanted to scream and wake up but I literally couldn't.

This wasn't a dream.

I saw realization dawn on their faces that she might not make it.

Orion looked scared

Damien looked shocked

Abbu, yeah and my dad was nowhere to be found.

Orion's eyes were still widened in shock as the wheeled mom’s gurney “is she going to be okay?” He asked one of the nurses.

I heard a nurse reply, her voice getting Lower as they moved a distance.

“We’re going to do everything we can”

I could hear every beat of my heart as it thrummed in my ears,I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I could barely breath.

Please ummi

Please ummi

Please ummi don't go yet I still need you.

I was aware that I was holding my breath, but I didn't think I could have let it out even if I tried.

Through the window I saw everyone slowly disappear following the direction of her gurney.

Please ummi

I was gripping the edge so hard, I could feel my fingers slowly getting fractured.

I could feel my hands shaking and my entire body was stiffened and I had never been more afraid in my life.

I was still staring at the spot my mom's bed had been. Every bone, every muscle, every limb was still in the moment when the doctor said “she is not breathing”.

Through the window I saw Orion talking to Damien and pointing at me.

I froze

I was scared

I was worried

I was numb

Damien looked over at me, his face expressionless. But in his eyes held a hopeful look.

I was aware of him slowly walking into the one deserted room as he crouched down in front of me.

He stretched out his hand to touch me but I flinched and closed my eyes tightly

I kept reciting in my head

He won't hit me, he is not abbu

He is not abbu

He is not abbu

“She is going to be fine,” he said, giving me a firm look.

She is going to be fine

she is going to be fine

my breath quickened, my heart raced but i could breath.

I closed my eyes and chanted as he pried my hands off the edge.

I wanted to relax but I couldn't.

Don't leave me ummi.

Please don't leave me.

My heart already told me that there was no use.

I knew it was time for her to go, Allah has called her home.

But I still wanted to have hope, I still needed something to hang onto.

But sometimes we keep holding on to things we should let go.

The room where my mom was taken opened after hours. A doctor came out and looked at me and my brothers before “Are you her family?”

My Orion nodded “we are her children”

The doctor looked at me, his eyes softening, “are you Zeynap?”

I nodded my eyes watering again”y-yeah”

“Come in" he said urgently, moving to make way for me to enter the room.

“ Your mom has been asking for you since you woke up”

I rushed into the room bumping another doctor on my way in.

My mama was lying on the hospital bed, an oxygen mask attached to her face. Her eyes were closed as she laid still. “ummi!” I cried, gripping the edge of the bed “ummi!”

Why was this happening? What did I do to deserve this? Tears started spilling down my face. Suddenly my mom turned her head, opened her eyes and smiled at me.

“Mama,” I whispered, my voice shaking.

She smiled at me moving her hands towards me. Her face twisted in pain. I quickly brought out my hand to grab her hands, with her other hands she managed to pull off her breathing mask.

“Zeynep, ” she whispered.

My heart sank upon hearing her weak voice, I squeezed her hands while being blinded by tears.

“ummi save your strength” I told her not knowing what to say.

“When you recover then we can ta—”

“I love you baby”she said, interrupting me, her voice just as shaky as mine.

“I love you to mama” I responded trying to smile at her “when you get out of here we can read allahuma ln as alukal jannah so that jannah will ask of us mama”

Mama smiled weakly “ I don't…… think I will be able to go”

“Don't say that mama”

“Your abbu, how is he?

I froze at their question.

Fresh tears sprang to her eyes and I smiled at her.

“Tell him” she paused to take a deep breath “ tell him I forgive him and I still love him”

“You tell him yourself mama” I demanded, raising my voice a few octaves.

Ummi laughed weakly but it was So quiet that I could barely hear it, I felt her grip on my hands loosen.

I forced the lump in my throat down,wiping my tears with my free hand so I could see my mom clearly. Her eyes were dull and she was gazing into nothingness.

“I'm sorry”

That was the last thing she said suddenly everything went quiet besides the beep that suddenly filled the room, I was shocked by the sound.

Doctors rushed about and I stood still staring wide eyed at my mother's motionless body.

The beeping sound went away, followed by the frantic shouts, but those too died away.

A deafening silence filled the room once more…

“Call it….”

A sob escaped my lips and I fell to my knees, I cried out holding my dead mother.

It hurts

I couldn't breath

I wasn't just crying for my mother, I was crying for myself as well.

I just lost the most important person in my life.

As we stood in the cloudy weather, heavy raindrops were beating down on us. The tension in the atmosphere built up as we looked down.

I shivered in my jacket as rain droplets drenched my body before hitting the soggy soil beneath me.

Orion tightened his fists together, and his jaws clenched, like he was feeling the chilliness on his skin.

I couldn't feel my nose or the tips of my fingers, but I didn't care.

No one was around us as we stood before a grave.

I opened my clenched right fist, revealing an austere ring decorated with numerous diamonds. It held no financial value, but mama and I adored it.

Tears suddenly poured down Damien’s cheek. His eyes were red as he sniffed. I didn't know what he was thinking or what he was planning to do?

Orion said , "I'm sorry," breaking the silence.

My expression was covered in a mix of anger and sadness. I knew he wasn't apologizing for something he did, but rather something that had transpired.

I wanted to throw the ring as far as possible, but I didn't. I couldn't do it; it meant so much to me, no matter how angry I was. I couldn't let myself be unreasonable; if only there was a way to turn back time, I would.

The grave before us belonged to our mama.

"How do you write a eulogy for someone you weren’t ready to say goodbye to?"

Goodbye mama