I have Cancer

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• The web I can’t unweave   My consciousness

  I don’t remember what happened exactly.I remember a nose bleed that was problematic.A conversation with Darren that was uncomfortable and then darkness. I slowly look at my surroundings to find myself still in the oncology treatment bay and Darren is sitting by my side.“What happened to me?” I groggily ask as I search my mind for answers.“You lost consciousness for a few minutes. I believe you were overwhelmed.” I could tell by his response that he was giving as little and as much information as possible.“Why was I overwhelmed?” I didn’t need to be tip-toed around. I needed to know what was happening to me.“You ran your fingers through your hair and well, some of it came out.” He fidgets with his fingers as he says what I feared most in the beginning.“I’m going to lose all of it, aren’t I?” I sit back to contemplate my life. What would it be like once I looked just as sick and they told me I was? What would people see? Or worst, how would they treat me?“Your hair can grow bac

• The web I can’t unweave   My episode

  I push the tissue to my nose and apply pressure as Darren grabs a first-aid kit on the shelf across from me - returning with a stop bleed stick and placing it gently into my nose.“What’s happening to me?” I ask in a nasal tone as I try to calm my roaring thoughts.“It’s just a side effect of the radiotherapy. Bleeding isn’t uncommon.” He says as he holds the stick inside my nose.“I’m not going to be able to go back to EnviroDoc, am I?” I needed to know if this was going to be my life as I proceed treatment.“You can go back. You just have to listen to your body and take it easy sometimes.” He makes it seem easy. “It’s going to tough for a little bit while your body tries to cope with the radiation but you can do it.”“What if I can’t?” I ask as the tears begin rolling down my face.“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I’ll do everything I can to make sure you get better. This is just the beginning of a long journey but it’ll pass.” He says with a soft smile.“I’m vomiting, losing consciousn

• The web I can’t unweave   Darren’s proclamation

  “Are you sure about your choice?” He asks as he clasps his hands together.“My choice?” Was he referring to Maverick? My choice in one man or the other? “Yes. I know you chose to pursue treatment and since the very first one, I felt a connection to you. I know you felt it too.” He says as he makes unbreakable eye contact with me. This was not the kind of conversation I thought I’d be having while being injected with radiation.“I did but my connection with him was growing as well and he’s made me happy.” I think back to when I first met him. I had been swoon after our dream but after seeing his genuine nature - I was very enamored. His confidence, intelligence and appearance were paired with care, compassion and dedication. I never thought a man like that existed or that someone like that would be interested in me nonetheless. “I didn’t think that the moment we spoke in the bathroom would lead you to him.” He bows his head.“But it was a clarifying moment, Darren. It just didn’t go

• The web I can’t unweave   Time for more treatment

  After what has come our nightly ritual, we laid down for bed. Maverick had cuddled me close until I fell asleep.I awoke the next morning to my alarm. I’d have my first radiotherapy enhancement today. I look over to see Maverick is still sleeping and I shuffle quietly out of bed. I almost make it out until I feel a hand grab my wrist. “It’s early. What’s wrong?” I look over to see Maverick peaking at me groggily.“Treatment - today. I have to be at the hospital in twenty minutes.” I say as I stare down at the bed.“Want me to come?”“No, get some rest. I’ll only be gone about an hour.” I lean over to kiss him and then get ready to leave. I watch as he rolls onto his side and falls back to sleep.This was the first time Maverick had been there when I woke up. His chiseled features accented by the shadows of light dancing along the curtain. His hair thrown carelessly and his blue eyes - out of sight as he slept. He reminded me of what Greek mythology expressed as Gods. As u admired his

• The web I can’t unweave   Home at Last

  Once we get back to my apartment, Maverick wakes me gently and picks me up to bring me inside. He gently opens the door and takes me directly to my bed. He then shuts the door and brings himself back to the room, sitting down in the bed carefully.“You feeling okay?” He asks carefully as if the words were boulders that would roll over me if spoken too loudly.“Yeah. I’m just really tired.” Not a complete lies I was tired although I was more exhausted than anything and it had nothing to do with a lack of sleep. I wasn’t improving the way we had hoped, my health was slowly interfering with my life, my doctor seems intent on pursuing me even while I have my person sitting in the same bed as me, I embarrassed myself at EnviroDoc and there’s still the cherry to top it all off: I have brain cancer. A cruel sick joke that taunts me relentlessly so I meant it wholeheartedly when I said I was tired.I look up at Maverick to see his mind is steadily at work. He had read between the lines. There

• The web I can’t unweave   Finally free of the hospital

  After Darren left, I waited about an hour while Maverick stayed resting peacefully at my side. Waiting for my discharge was just as eerie as walking up in this same room once again.I hear a knock at the door as the nurse slowly enters. She sees Maverick sleeping and decides to speak to me quietly.“Ms. Richardson, these are your discharge papers. The doctor has added your new treatment regiment in which you’ll be following up in the oncology department. I believe he spoke with you already?” “Yes. I’m aware.” I say quietly as I try not to wake Maverick.“Okay, great. Well there are some health guidelines to follow for your condition and the doctor has added a prescription of antacids for your stomach and zofran for your nausea. I have your prescriptions as the doctor requested they be sent and filled to in-office pharmacy. Do you have any questions for me?” She asks as she carefully hands me the paperwork and a bag containing my prescriptions. “No, thank you. Am I okay to leave now?