A Racing Heart

Lilian Jackson

No matter how much I prepare my mind I am still terrified every night. I gave myself a long hard look in the mirror, “Remember why you are doing this, Lilian Jackson. You are fine. Everything will be fine” I whispered the words of inspiration to myself. 

I proceeded to cover the dark circles under my eyes with powder and apply a pale pink lipstick on my lips. I gave my skirt a tug downwards but of course it didn’t budge. The body hugging uniform – an all black, off-shoulder top with a matching skirt that stopped at my thigh. It pushed me past my comfort zone but I had to put up with it.

“Let’s do this.” I said aloud making it out of the changing room.

I had been jostling around, trying to serve everyone. My partner had suddenly come down with the flu and left me all alone on this busy night. The manager was trying to see if anyone was available.

** 

It was a little after twelve midnight and the bar was almost empty. I stared at the man in front of me, trying to keep the professional smile on my face. He looked to be in his late thirties and from the look of it might have had too much to drink. His gaze made me uncomfortable.

“Just sit and accompany for a drink.” He gave me a sleazy smile like he just made me a great offer. 

“I am sorry to decline that invitation. I could call one of our escorts and they will be with you shortly.” I said my well rehearsed line, it usually works.

“What do you mean? I am just asking you to sit with me for a drink!” Like I said it usually works, looks like it’s not one of those cases. His smile had dropped as his voice raised by a notch. 

“I am sorry. Our escorts are quite gorgeous and can drink with you as long as you want.” It took all I had in me to keep talking in a steady tone as I was getting scared.

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FILTHY B**** !! WHY DO YOU FLATTER YOURSELF?!!!” He had drawn attention to the table. His loud voice shook me. I looked up to see my manager mouth ‘leave’.

I bowed my head about to leave when my arm was grabbed. “Where do you think you’re going?!” 

The face In front of me became distorted as the contact made my skin burn and my stomach churn. “P…please let me go.” My voice came out in a pitiful sob, I struggled to free my arm as I fell deeper into the darkness I tried to escape. I could hear the noise around me increase but my vision swayed not focusing on anything in particular. My mind kept screaming at me to run.

I could feel his grasp on my arm tighten as I writhed. 

“Let go, leave me.” I repeated like a mantra. My eyes fell on the table and I saw my salvation. Grabbing the beer bottle, I smashed it against his head. The moment the hand holding me went limp, I made a run for it. A mad dash as I knew I just had to get out of there, I ran blindly as the film of tears blocked my vision.

I don’t know how far I ran but it felt like it wasn’t enough even how I was short of breath my mind was still telling me to run that I was in danger. I stopped as I felt bile rise from my throat. At the side of the building, I lurched and emptied the contents of my stomach. When I was done, I kept heaving as my throat started to hurt.

I crouched at the side of the road and bursted into silent tears, putting my arms around myself. I wanted to take a scorching shower, I felt filthy all the way to the bones. My hands scratched against my skin trying to wipe his touch off, their touch off. All my attempts proved unsuccessful.

‘Why? Why did this have to happen?’ I questioned the higher ones above. 

I must have sat there for a while because when I stood up, my legs hurt from staying in that position for so long. I shivered rubbing my arms for warmth, the outfit I had on did little to alleviate the cold. 

‘It must be late.’ I thought. I reached for my phone that’s when I realized I left it behind together with my purse. 

“Just great!” l sighed.

It wasn’t until the early hours of the morning that I found my way home. I walked into the house, quietly shutting the door not wanting to wake Christiana or James – my siblings- especially Christie. My little sister worried about me like a Mum. 

As I passed the living room I saw her fast asleep on the couch. I told her numerous times to stop waiting up for me. Looking at the weird way she rested her head, it was going to hurt in the morning. 

“Hey Christie,” I tapped her awake. “Why don’t you go sleep inside?”

“Sis, you’re back.” She said groggily letting out a yawn.

“Yeah, time for you to go to bed” I said, gently leading her to our shared room tucking her in.

Thank goodness Christie was too sleepy to notice my tear rimmed eyes. I got under the shower and began to scrub myself. I scrubbed their hands off till my skin became blotchy. 

I changed into my nightwear and fell into bed. My eyes felt like lead with the day’s exhaustion finally getting to me, I fell into a deep – fortunately dreamless – sleep.

**  

I woke up early the next day to meet up with the breakfast rush at the restaurant – which was owned by mum’s friend- I worked at. 

My siblings were still asleep as I prepared breakfast for them. I left them a note and some cash.

I deliberated going back to the bar for my phone and purse but didn’t want to risk being late. Mrs Smith, my boss, has been really lenient with me and my colleagues hate me for that. 

The bus stopped In front of me and I got on, hoping to get a window seat. The bus was already moving when I saw someone who looked familiar. I mumbled in disbelief.

My dad was splayed out on the pavement near the bus stop, unconscious, a bottle of beer near him.

I couldn’t bear to look at him, my heart clenched as the bus sped away.

**  

Mrs Smith’s restaurant was in the industrial part of town so breakfast and lunch were the busiest part of the day. 

I went in the back to get changed. The head cook, an elderly woman, was the only one – apart from Mrs Smith- that liked me. She gave me a large smile and motioned to the huge pile of food she had kept aside for me. I smiled gratefully and carried the food with me.

I wolfed down the food, popped an antidepressant in my mouth and put on my apron. 

I was on my fifth customer – Jessica, the one person that hated me the most, didn’t come in Fridays which made everything so much easier- when I started sweating heavily. 

All of a sudden, I felt my chest tighten. I dropped the tray I was holding, grasping my chest. 

“Are you okay?” I heard someone ask. I couldn’t tell who it was. I beat my chest, unable to breathe.

“Lilian, Lilian..” I felt myself fall to the floor, slowly loosing consciousness.

** 

I opened my eyes to a white ceiling, an astringent scent invading my senses. “What on earth happened?” I asked drowsily. 

“You’re awake.” I faced the voice to see Mrs. Smith smiling at me, her face full of pity.

“I’ll go call the doctor.” She said, leaving me by myself. 

I turned towards the window, remembering what happened to me. “Right, I passed out” I had a fleeting doubt of what it could be, a sick feeling growing at the pit of my stomach but I refused to believe it.

Mrs Smith came back with the doctor a while later and excused herself, saying she had to go back to work. The doctor checked that I was doing okay.

“I feel much better. Could you please tell me what’s going on?” I asked, impatiently.

It felt like everything was happening in slow motion.

“I’m sorry to inform you, Miss Lilian, but you are exhibiting symptoms of a heart disease.” 

I couldn’t believe my ears. “Now, it’s not something you should be scared about as due to the early detection there are recommended drugs that can allow you maintain it before a compulsory surgery.”

At this point I couldn’t hear a word the doctor was saying to me.

‘This isn’t real. None of this is real. It couldn’t be.’ I thought. The air was stifling I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Yanking the drip off, I ran away from the room.

I furiously wiped away my tears. I couldn’t believe this. I refused to. Her face flashed in my mind, her weak smile. Was that my future? I couldn’t avoid it?

I was shook out of my thoughts as I collided into someone as I tried to get into the elevator. Arms looped around me to steady me. It felt warm.

“Hey!!” The guy thundered. “Could you be anymore careless?”

I stared at him, his words refusing to register in my brain.

“Are you deaf? Or you have problems speaking. An apology would have been really nice.”

The huge brown patch on the white suit caught my attention. Did I do that?

“This was my best suit.” He shouted again.

I finally looked at him. I came to face a pair of sharp hazel eyes that looked like a storm was brewing beneath. He was handsome in a way that screamed ‘look at me’, his features were quite refined and polished. His dark brown hair was gelled back and the gold watch sitting firmly on his wrist could be two years worth of my salary.

“Since you are so rich, you could always get another one.” I shouted back before covering my mouth.

Shit.