What The Fuck Am I Doing?

I didn’t reply, or open the message at first. I didn’t know what to say, especially since he was asking too much.

Can we talk?

No, we couldn’t. I didn’t want to. But throughout the ride to the mechanic, all I could think about was why. What I did to deserve the betrayal, why it was so easy for him to throw it all away.

At some point I had to accept not everybody was like me. Not everybody was strong enough to stand face to face with death and still protect others around them. I had to accept it.

But Marcel hurt, more than anything ever.

So, I picked up my phone.

I’ll be at Blackline Automotive for a few hours. If you want to talk, meet me there.

I locked my phone and placed it back down. A few seconds later, I picked it up again.

Sure.

I didn’t reply after that.

I decided to enjoy the only time of peace I had.

I connected my phone to the speaker and played music loudly.

I didn't feel comfortable doing it but I did it anyway.

Half an hour later, I turned the music off, got out of the car and looked around.

Of course, Amelia was strict on who handled her car and wanted one specific person on it—Clay.

I went up to the first person I saw and asked for him.

“At your service,” he replied.

“You’re Clay?”

“Yeah. And judging by that car, you’re from Amelia— oh my bad. Mrs Solis.”

“Yeah, she needs an oil change.”

“Cool. Are you waiting here?”

I nodded.

I gave him the keys and watched him drive it into the bay.

I stood there for a moment, completely confused on what to do with myself. Then, I saw another car pull up.

I recognized it instantly.

It was Marcel.

He got out and walked over to me, taking his shades off like he was in some movie.

The sight of him irked my soul immediately and began regretting agreeing to see him. But it was too late to be worried about that.

“Hey,” he said, leaning into the wall next to me.

“Hey.”

I tried not to make eye contact with him, even though I could see him waiting for me to look at him and say something through the corner of my eye.

We were both quiet for a while. All the questions I had in my head were still very much there. I just didn’t know where to start, or how to start.

“Luca I didn’t have a choice…”

“You did,” I cut in. “You had multiple choices. I wasn’t the one who fucked up, you did.”

I finally looked at him now. His head was glued to the ground.

“I didn’t deserve any of that Marcel, you did!”

“And I’m sorry, okay?”

“Oh yeah? For what? What are you sorry for?”

“C’mon man, don't be like that.”

“I don’t think you understand Marcel. I was beat up, in front of everybody. I was dragged out like a slave by my best friend and was handed to the worst of them all.”

“Luca—”

“Did you even care to know if I was alive? It took you that long to reach out?”

“I knew you were alive and that’s what made it hard man. I…I didn’t know what to say.”

“And now you do?”

He let out a small breath and fully turned to me.

“We were brothers, Luca. We did everything together, we fought against the higher up’s, we shared secrets, we did things that we knew could get us killed and did it anyway. You were my best friend, but I was never as strong as you.”

“Strong? You beat me up.”

“Let me finish.”

I shook my head and relaxed.

“I couldn’t look death in the eye like you did. I was never as bold as you were, or as smart. You were always better than me and as much as I hate to admit it, a part of me envied that. But definitely not enough to get rid of you. When I realized I had messed up and saw myself in the middle of the crowd, I just couldn’t handle it.”

“So you threw me in.”

He hesitated and looked down again. I knew him well enough to know he was acting. He was feeling real guilt.

“I threw you in and I have never regretted anything more in my life. I regret it more than even working for him. When I realized I hadn’t lost you forever, I remembered what I had done and suddenly the idea of not getting your forgiveness back felt worse.”

He went quiet again for a moment, but I didn’t say anything.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please know that I need it.”

He looked at me again, waiting for me to say something.

I glanced over at Clay walking towards us with the car key dangling in his hands.

I turned back to Marcel, “Luckily for you, I have a lifetime to think of forgiving you.”

“Luca—”

I walked over to Clay before he could finish his sentence.

“All done?” I asked.

“Yeah, you can take ‘em.”

“Okay, thank you.”

I got into the car and took the windows up. I didn’t even glance at Marcel.

Deep down, I had forgiven him from the moment he sent that text. He was the closest thing I had to family and I couldn’t lose him. The betrayal was just too hard to bear.

It was all I could think about the entire time, and I hated it.

When I got back home, Amelia was standing outside with her arms crossed.

I immediately got out before the car even fully stopped.

“Where did you take my car to?”

“You said you needed an oil change.”

“And how long does that take? I chose Clay because of how fast he is. You’ve been out for over two hours.”

“I couldn’t find him at first, but when I did he started immediately and I came straight here when he was done.”

She squinted her eyes slightly like she was trying to fish out a lie.

“If I find out you did something to or with my car, you’re gonna wish you died at that warehouse.”

“Y-Yes ma’am.”

She aggressively grabbed the keys, pushed past me, got into the car and sped off.

I just stood there, overwhelmed with emotions from Marcel, and feeling like a complete fool.

Defeated, I walked back into the house silently praying Dante wasn’t home. If Marcel was easily able to leave then he wasn’t at the warehouse.

But of course, the universe did not like seeing me at peace.

He was the first person I saw.

I bowed immediately when I saw him.

“Where the hell is Pete?”

“I-I don’t know, I’ve been out.”

“Out where?”

“Mrs Solis told me to get her car an oil change.”

“Are you the one in charge of that now?”

I shook my head. “She originally asked Ken to send someone and he sent me.”

My head was still slightly facing down, but I could feel his gaze on me.

“Little boy, you work for me. Not Amelia, not Ken, am I clear?”

“Yes sir.”

“Make yourself useful and find Pete, now.”

I bowed again, “Yes sir.”

I rushed out of the living room and into the kitchen. He wasn’t there.

I checked every room, until I saw him in the garden through the balcony.

“Pete!” I yelled from above.

He looked up, “Oh hey Luca, you hungry?”

“Worse. Dante’s looking for you.”

“What? Where is he?”

“Living room. Go, now.”

He didn’t run, but there was speed in his walking.

I finally relaxed then.

The way I got treated today made me question myself,

What the fuck was I doing?