The first message

There was this feeling that always come with doing the wrong things, guilt, and shame. Guilt is strongest when you’re not caught, shame wields most power when you’re caught.

Today, I thought guilt would eat me up and I had lost any form of shame when I willingly put my body under Alexandro’s hands.

His words were a wake-up call to me, I held my head high and worked my clothes back on, but I was still in disarray when Chloe walked in.

Maybe is should have simply been grateful that she hadn’t come in when I was writhing under Alexandro’s touch, but that didn’t make me feel better. Surprise was evident in her eyes making shame raise its evil head inside of me.

My head remained low in shame as Alexandro worked his shirt back on. Chloe turned her back to us and kept her head low. I found no grace to lift my head either.

“Emily.” He called my name when his clothes were finally in place, I forced my head up to meet his eyes and saw the triumph in them.

“Maybe we need to work on the after. You do just well when I touch but then this face comes up when I stop. You don’t want me to stop?” He chuckled lightly.

I looked away to avoid his eyes, I felt used, felt like a fool. It would have been easier if he had forced himself on me, but here I was, weak to my flesh and allowing him to touch me. I was as guilty as he was.

I said nothing in reply, but I felt his fingers grip my chin firmly, pulling me to look into his eyes, the passion that I saw in them earlier had lessened but hadn’t burnt out.

Maybe this was my first glimpse of how insatiable Alexandro King would be, but I didn’t realize it until later.

I felt my whole body freeze as he brought his face forward, he was working on the end, how to end a make-out, session, a kiss was a good way but something tugged at my heart. This afternoon had started with a kiss and ending it with another kiss seemed too intimate.

I reeled my body back into my control and shut my eyes, it seemed like looking into his eyes fueled my blood with passion and lust. With my eyes closed, I thought of my dad, I thought of why I was here and how I needed to keep my head.

My will was no longer mine and my body wanted whatever pleasure that would come from having his lips on mine, but I managed to look away just before his lips met mine. I am ashamed to admit that I didn’t even look away completely.

His lips met the side of mine, but it was enough for Alexandro to get the message. I didn’t want this. I had tried enough today. The muscle in his throat ticked and Adam’s apple bobbed.

He was annoyed, displeased by that little action. He stood upright and dipped his hands into his pocket and walked away.

Today had ended just the way it had started. Nothing changed. I wondered how long we would walk in that circle.

Chloe lifted her head as soon as the door clicked and ran to me.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I cried even before she got to me or said a word.

“You think I would Judge you.” The words were a question. She smiled and walked to me, helping me down the counter. “You’d be a robot to avoid scenes like this, and you’re both married.” She snorted the last part as she knew better than me how I sold my life to Alexandro King.

“Let’s just pick clothes, Chloe.” I sighed. Then I noticed she had come in empty-handed. “Where are the clothes?”

I turned to her as she smiled. “There’s no fun in shopping alone. We could have the clothes brought here, but I assure you, that it would be more fun going to the boutique in person.” She said happily.

Chloe’s mood was weird. In a good way. However, I began to feel like there was something behind her mood, like when a woman had a man she likes or a new boyfriend, whenever he gives her gifts or compliments, her day is nice and beautiful, but the days they fight are grey and cloudy.

“I need to take a bath,” I murmured, dragging my feet to the bathroom.

“You both did it.” She gasped into her hands, Today seemed to be filled with lots of drama.

“No, we did not,” I called back before locking the door.

“I want that one, and that one. No! not that one, I mean the pink coat over there. That navy blue pants should look good on me. Yes. That one too. No, I don’t like peach, it clashes with my eyes. Everything purple is fine.”

It turned out that shopping could be a lot more fun when you’re sure your card won’t bounce. Chloe had insisted I wore something daring and looked fun even if I didn’t feel fun. I wore a short skirt and high black boots with a purple top and a lilac scarf.

I felt good. My new soap was very awesome, it made my skin smooth and tender. I looked edible. For a moment I didn’t blame Alexandro.

It was funny how money helped build one’s self-esteem.

“Check this out.” Chloe ran to me with a fabric in her hands. “This is crazy. I saw it in Stella magazine last week but it’s more awesome in person.” It looked like a big colorful scarf to me.

“Okay then, add it, but don’t forget to take it afterward.” I smiled at her, turning to look at some skirts. I loved gowns, but wearing a skirt felt good too, especially one this short.

“No! It’s for you, besides, it's not my size.” She whined. “It’s a beach wear, it looks proper on first look but outrightly provocative on second look. You can convert it to slutty or wear it as decent, there’s a part in front that you can fold to your neck or make fall your shoulders. I think it would look awesome on you.”

“Okay, okay. But is there another color? I’m not sure I want that color.” I sneered at the clothes.

An attendant came to us, “We have another color of this, but I can’t remember what color it is, I’ll go check the records and get back to you.” She said smiling.

“I’d love it if it’s black,” I added before she turned.

Her face fell a little, “I’m sure it’s not black.”

“Okay, let me see it before I decide,” I said finally, not wanting to waste her efforts.

When she brought it back, it turned out to be a very nice shade of pink. I didn’t like it, but I decided to buy it as she already bought it.

Carrying so much stuff home was hectic. I wanted to oversee the move, but it turned out that I was doing more harm than good. Chloe made me sit and let the delivery team do their job.

Soon they were gone and there was a huge pile of boxes in my room. I loved the heavenly smell of new clothes. Shopping helped. My earlier shame and guilt from this morning were gone and I lay down that night, facing my new clothes and hoping not to see Alexandro anytime soon.

A pen lying on my table caught my attention. It had not been there earlier, did someone drop it there?

I picked it up and pushed the top button, intending to play with ink, shock shook my bones when a beep sounded and was followed by my voice.

But I wasn’t talking. I was moaning.

All the shame that had escaped me came tripping back.