I felt trapped. Everyone was looking at me like I was supposed to make a decision. But how could I decide something this big? How could I be the one to carry their child? It wasn't my life they were asking for. It was mine, my future, my body. And I didn't know if I could handle that.
I felt so confused. I couldn't even think straight anymore. My heart was torn in two, and every time I looked at my sister, I knew how much this meant to her. But I also knew how much this would change everything for me. My parents were still talking, trying to convince me, but all I could do was stare at my plate, my hands clenched tightly in my lap. I didn't know what to say or what to do. This wasn't just about me anymore. It was about all of us. And I had no idea what the right choice was. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Gusto kong tumayo at umalis. Pero bago ko pa magawang buuin ang loob ko, naramdaman ko ang paglapit ni ate sa tabi ko. Mabibigat ang hakbang niya, at sa isang iglap, naupo na siya sa tabi ko, nakayuko. "Please," mahina niyang sabi, halos hindi ko marinig. "Please, 'wag mo na akong pahirapan pa." Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng kamay niya habang marahan niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko. Gusto kong bawiin ang kamay ko, gusto kong ilayo ang sarili ko pero hindi ko magawa. Ate ko siya. Pamilya ko siya. Pero ito... ito ang hindi ko maintindihan. "I don't know what to do," bulong ko, halos pabulong. "I'm so confused. I don't even know if I can do this." "I know... I know it's not easy," umiiyak siyangsabi, "pero ikaw lang ang inaasahan ko. Wala na akong ibang malalapitan." Ang sakit sa dibdib marinig 'yon. Pero hindi ko alam kung kaya ko. Tahimik na lumapit ang doktor na kanina pa pala naroon sa kabilang side ng mesa. Ngayon ko lang siya napansin dahil sa bigat ng atmosphere sa paligid. Nakasuot siya ng formal white coat, may kalmadong ekspresyon sa mukha at mukhang sanay na siya sa ganitong mabibigat na pag-uusap."Let me explain," mahinahon niyang umpisa. "I am your sister's gynecologist. We've been trying treatments for quite a while now, pero hindi talaga naging madali."
Lumunok siya bago nagpatuloy. "Your sister has a condition called primary ovarian insufficiency or premature ovarian failure. Ibig sabihin nito, hindi na gumagana nang maayos ang ovaries niya. She cannot produce healthy eggs anymore. Her body has stopped ovulating properly at a young age, kaya kahit hormonal treatments, mahirap na rin." Napatitig ako kay ate. Kita ko ang panginginig ng labi niya habang pilit niyang kinakalma ang sarili. "And not only that," dugtong ng doktor, "we also attempted to prepare her body for pregnancy before hormonal support, monitoring, therapies but unfortunately, nagkaroon ng complications sa uterus niya. Her womb became too weak to support a pregnancy. Hindi safe para sa kanya magbuntis. Delikado sa buhay niya." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko alam 'yon. Hindi ko alam na dumaan pala sila sa ganung hirap nang hindi ko nalalaman. "That's why we came to this option," seryoso pa rin ang tono ng doktor. "We're suggesting egg donation and surrogacy combined pero dahil hindi na rin viable ang eggs niya, we need a donor who can provide an egg and also carry the baby." Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko. Hindi ako makahinga "So... ako?" halos hindi ko marinig ang boses ko. "Yes," sagot niya. "Ikaw ang best option. Since magkapatid kayo, kahit paano may dugong koneksyon pa rin sa pamilya. We will place your brother-in-law’s sperm directly into your uterus through Intrauterine Insemination. This way, fertilization happens naturally inside your body. You will be the biological mother of the child, and you will also carry the baby." I tried to understand everything, pero parang hindi umikot ang mundo ko. Ako ang magiging ina. Ang katawan ko ang magdadala. Ang dugo ko ang nasa bata. Pero hindi ako ang magiging "nanay" sa papel. "Don't worry," sabat ni ate, nanginginig ang tinig. "Wala namang mangyayaring... you know... physical intimacy. Hindi kailangan. Scientific procedure ang lahat. Ang sabi ni dok..." Tumango ang doktor. "Everything will be done medically. Walang magiging contact outside of the medical process. The sperm will be collected and prepared in the lab, then inserted directly into your uterus during ovulation. After that, we’ll monitor for pregnancy and continue with regular checkups." Tumingin ako sa ate ko. Namumugto ang mata niya, nanginginig pa rin ang kamay na mahigpit na nakahawak sa akin. "Please," sabi niya, halos lumuhod na siya sa tabi ko. "Ayoko ng ibang tao. Ayoko ng hindi ko ka-dugo. Ayoko ng hindi ko kilala ang magdadala ng anak namin. Ikaw lang ang gusto ko... ikaw lang ang pinagkakatiwalaan ko." Parang may humigpit sa dibdib ko. Hindi lang ito simpleng pabor. Hindi lang ito simpleng sakripisyo. Buhay ko ang hinihingi nila. Katawan ko eh. And deep inside, kahit gaano ko siya kamahal... hindi ko alam kung kaya ko. Hindi ko alam kung handa akong ibigay ang lahat sa kanya. Hindi ko alam... kung saan ako magsisimula. "Why did you have to ask me that?" Seraphina's povInakay ako ng nurse papunta sa isang maliit na kwarto. Hindi ko kayang makipagchikahan habang wala pa akong tulog at gutom pa 'ko."Okay, Miss Seraphina. I'll just draw your blood, is that okay?""Sure. Go ahead. Do whatever you must. Take it all, even my will to live."Napatingin siya sakin. Hindi ko alam kung na-offend ba siya o sanay na siyang may baliw na pasyente.Inilabas niya ang syringe at alcohol, at maya-maya pa'y naramdaman ko na ang malamig na cotton sa braso ko. Sinundan ito ng karayom. "Done," sabi niya, tapos iniabot sa isa pang staff para ibigay raw kay Doc.Ayun na, kaya balik na naman ako sa consultation room. Hindi pa ako nakakaupo ng maayos ay nagsimula na agad si Doctor Serious."We'll be testing your hormone levels today, estrogen, LH, progesterone, AMH, just to evaluate if your body is responding naturally. The results will help us determine your dosage for the stimulation phase.""Mhmm," sagot ko habang nag-aadju
Seraphina's povNakahiga na ako ngayon sa kama ng clinic. Literal with my legs bent, sheet over my lower body, habang si Doc ay abalang inaayos yung parang alien wand na balak nyang ipasok sakin. "Ready ka na?" tanong ni Doc."Ganyan ka ba talaga? Walang foreplay?" sagot ko agad, sabay irap. "Tsaka ano yan? Vibrator?" Tiningnan lang niya ako, "Miss Seraphina, this is a medical procedure. Not masturbation."Napakagat ako sa labi para hindi matawa. Syempre hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko naisip pasukan ng green joke ang sitwasyon na 'to. Pero come on. I mean, may tao bang hindi ma-ooff sa fact na may probe na ipapasok sayo? Wala kang pants? Tapos stranger pa 'yung tao? Well, technically not a stranger, pero still."Please, lie back." sabi nito kaya napalunok ako. Ang lalim ng boses niya dun! "D-doc?" tanong ko. "I said lie back." Hindi ko na kaya 'tong kahihiyan. Para akong mauubusan ng hangin. Sinunod ko yung utos niya at huminga ng
Seraphina's povNasa clinic na ako ngayon. At sa wakas, kung hindi lang ako tinext ng ate ko ng sunod-sunod at tinawagan pa ng tatlong beses, hindi talaga ako pupunta.Pag-upo ko sa loob ng consultation room, ayan na siya. The Doctor. In full white coat glory, looking all clean, calm, and collected parang galing sa sariling commercial ng vitamins.Ako? Buhaghag ang buhok. Wala akong makeup, yung damit ko parang ginamit panghampas ng alon. Ewan. Di ko alam kung bakit dumeretso ako dito galing sa bar kagabi. Pero sige. Ayan na eh.Nakita ko ang paraan ng tingin niya sa'kin. Yung tipong sinasabi ng mga mata niya na, "This girl is a mess." Nakaupo siya nang maayos habang binuksan ang folder na mukhang nagpapabigat ng katotohanan sa mundong 'to."Alright, Seraphina. This is going to be your first official consultation," aniya. "So let me walk you through the full IUI and surrogacy process. Since you've agreed to be the biological mother and the one t
Frown's povBitbit ko si Seraphina habang palabas kami ng bar. She's light, but man, the weight of whatever she's carrying inside? That's something else.I looked down at her, eyes closed, lips slightly parted, cheeks a little red, probably from the alcohol and the stress of life decisions she shouldn't even be dealing with at her age."She"s a mess," I whispered to myself, chuckling. "But she's my mess."Her head leaned slightly against my chest as I carefully adjusted her in my arms.Damn, girl. Why do you always end up in this state and still look so... ethereal?I sighed, shaking my head as I walked toward my motorcycle. "I swear, if I didn't know any better, I'd think the universe just threw you into my life para patayin ako."I placed her helmet on, gently adjusting the strap so it wouldn’t mess with her hair too much. Ang arte kasi ni Sera sa buhok. Even half-drunk, she'd throw a fit if I tangled it. Sampalin ko to eh. She shifted a little, mumblin
I slung my bag over my shoulder, ready to head out when suddenly, I heard a soft voice calling from behind me."Sera…"I turned around, and there she was, my sister, standing there looking at me with that look I couldn't quite decipher. Her face was a mix of gratitude and something else I couldn't put my finger on.She smiled faintly before speaking. "Thank you. I know this isn't easy for you, but I really appreciate it. You’re doing so much for us."I simply nodded. "Yeah... sure."Then, I gave her a small smile, more out of habit than anything else. I didn't know what to say. How could I explain that this wasn't just for her? That, in the end, I was doing this for me too? Or maybe, for the future I was trying to escape.With that, I turned around and walked away, leaving my sister standing there. I needed space, air, time to just breathe. As soon as I stepped out of the house, I felt the weight lift off my shoulders, even just for a moment.I was fin
Seraphina's povUmupo ako sa mahabang sofa, katapat nila. Tahimik ang paligid, pero parang ang ingay ng isip ko. They were all talking, agreeing, na itutuloy na namin ang surrogacy.Ako?Nakangiti lang at tumango-tango. Pero sa loob-loob ko, ang tanging sigurado lang ay ito na ang magiging dahilan para makaalis ako. Pagkatapos ko siyang ipanganak, ang batang iyon ay aalis na ako. Sa bahay na 'to. Sa bansang 'to. Sa lahat.Naputol ang sariling pag-iisip ko nang marinig ko ang boses ng doctor.Pumayag na ako. Wala akong ibang choice, at may mga plano na akong iniisip. Alam ko na pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito, aalis na ako sa bahay nila. I'd disappear from this mess. Maybe go somewhere else. As Doc continued to explain the process, parang wala akong naririnig. It felt like his voice was just a distant hum, isang bagay na hindi ko na kayang i-focus ang atensyon ko. Lahat ng iniisip ko ay ang mga hakbang na gagawin ko pagkatapos ng panganganak, kung paano ko aayusi