It is 11 AM; it is another seven hours to go.
Tyler is holding my hand so tight that it is becoming numb. He has dozed off and looks so peaceful as he is sleeping. I do not want to wake him up; he has not had a decent night's rest in what seems to be ages. He stays up every night, every day; he is awake almost every waking moment looking after me. He needs these few moments.
I am writing this letter as a token of my love to him, as a keepsake for him to treasure, and as a reminder of my commitment to us and our life together.
"To my dear husband,
I want you to know that I love you, ALL OF YOU, and I always will. I am committed to our marriage until death does us part. At times, in moments of deep frustration, I may have questioned otherwise, but that was my immature way of seeking love from you when I should have been looking for you to fill the void in my temporarily wandering heart.
Beloved, I know I have hurt you countless times with my words and actions, and for all of them, I sincerely and humbly ask for your forgiveness. Since my heart was made to fit with yours in our sacrament of marriage, I long for you even when my heart is broken, even when I feel so hurt by your actions or lack thereof that my heart feels frozen, I still long for you.
I have pondered this many times, and I have come to realize that it is what I truly desire, this longing. It keeps bringing me back to my knees in my faith to pray for us. Two become one, and when that oneness feels broken, I have two choices –
Run from the pain, or lean into the pain and allow myself to feel it, creating a longing in my heart to bring healing to the brokenness so our marriage can continue to be made holy the way it intends.
My beloved, I keep choosing number two because I truly love you! I see such goodness in you, and I also see the potential for greatness! I want more than anything to have a full life with you. I AM WILLING TO FIGHT FOR IT.
Sometimes I feel like our love for one another gets buried amidst the daily stresses of life, especially with the struggles that get thrown in our way. Trying to balance everything is so challenging! There is no one else I would rather balance life with, though, than you! We are a team, and you are the best partner I could ask for. I have been blessed with you!
When our love starts to get buried, please know I will fight to uncover it and breathe life back into it. We have been giving the gift of each other.
I know at times trust between us has been tested; good, heartfelt communication has been challenging; promises we made have been broken, and overall new baggage has been formed. We are human.
My beloved, I want you to know that with this letter, I today renew my commitment to loving you.
We both have faults that challenge each other, but our marriage grows.
Thank you for all of the sacrifices you have made and continue to make for us. Your daily sacrifices for me do not go unnoticed. Truly, our life together is beautiful. It is us, in good and in bad, in sickness and in health, in rich and in poor, beauty woven throughout it all, that makes this journey amazing!
As I write this, you are lying at my side in Hospital, holding my hand with rivers of tears running down my face, and I'm wondering how it came to be that we're here in this living hell?
Every now and then, you open your eyes and give me a weak smile, a squeeze of your hand, or sometimes you ask me for a kiss.
Each time I look at you, my heart breaks some more. Your eyes are etched with pain, you look so weak and exhausted, and I can see the light in you fading away, like a torch running out of battery.
You try to speak to me, but your words ramble incoherently. I can sense your fear, and I can feel you will slipping away, wishing it to be all over.
How did everything go so wrong so rapidly? What did we do to deserve all this? Why did nobody forewarn us that this might be the way things would turn out?
I'm trying so hard to be strong for you, my love, but your deterioration has been so fast that I'm in total shock, and I'm struggling to cope, struggling to accept what I know is coming, and I know that you can sense my fear and grief. Even though you are still here, it feels as though that I am in mourning already because such a big part of me has already gone.
I feel as though I've let you down like I should have seen this coming, been more prepared, looked after you better, pushed the doctors to try harder, asked more questions....so many things I should have done differently.
You always said that this sort of thing happening to you would be your worst nightmare, and now I'm trapped inside that nightmare with you, and I would give anything for somebody to come and wake us up.
I can't imagine the pain you must be in, nor the thoughts, emotions, and fears that you're struggling with inside. I wish I could make it better for you, but I'm completely helpless.
I felt empty before I met you. Empty, like a piece of me, was missing, and I was tirelessly searching for it. I knew I found it when I met you. I can't even put into words the wholeness that I feel every day knowing you are my husband. I feel connected to you.
I feel very misunderstood by many people, but worse, I feel most people don't want to understand me. But you, you always seek to understand me. You know my heart. You know that I always have the best of intentions. You understand me. You get me. In fact, I think you're the only person who truly does. But only because you are the only person who has taken the time. You always know what I need to hear. You know what worries me and what scares me. You know my secrets. You know exactly what I need at exactly the right time. Best of all, you never pass judgment. Thank you for taking the time to know and understand me. We are distinctly different. You make up for all that I lack.
We've been through a lot together. Through it all, you comfort me. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for overcoming your strongholds. Even though that rocky, confusing time, you comforted me. Many men would have cut and ran. Some men would have given up. You may not have always known how, but I promise you, you did. Even if all you could do was throw your arms around me. If all you could do was cry with me, I promise, you comforted me. Thanks for never walking out on me when life got hard.
I'm choking up just writing this. This is huge, and you probably don't know that I'm aware of this, but I am. You cover my faults. You hide them. It would be easy to expose them. The world tells us it's okay "to vent." People are quick to share how someone has let them down or done them wrong.
But you, you don't even bring up my faults in conflict or arguments. You spare me. You extend mercy when I don't deserve it. While others might look at my faults with a magnifying glass, you cover me with grace. You give me permission to be human. You are slow to anger and quick to forgive me. You let me "win" even at the cost of your own pride. You are malleable when I am obstinate. You are long-suffering when I am insufferable. You save me from the embarrassment of my own shortcomings. I notice. I'm grateful. I'm humbled.
Protection, real protection is such an attractive quality in a man. I don't just mean physical protection. I mean the kind of protection that is hard. The kind of protection that shelters me from verbal attacks, criticism, anger, cruel intentions, and more. I saw you do that for me. I saw you risk everything to support me. That is love.
Tyler, I need to thank you. I need you to know how much I appreciate your sacrifices and tireless efforts. I want you to know it matters, and it doesn't go unnoticed. I love you. More than I could ever put into words. More than I could ever show you.
Now in this time that we need to have faith, that we need to believe, I am reminded of all of this. It makes me realize that even if I cannot find the faith in myself, I can find it inside of you."
Faith is about believing. You don't know how it will happen, but it will happen.
So we have come to the end of seven hours remaining, only another six ahead. And with these six, I will remind you…
Have patience; all things are difficult before they become easy.
Fight! This is only going to be a chapter in your life. Not a whole story.
Don't stop believing in yourself, no matter what happens.
Accept it. At some point, you are going to have to accept that this is not your fault. There is nothing that you can do about it.
Forgive yourself. There is nothing that you could have done differently.
Forget about it. Don't be a prisoner of things that you cannot change.
And at the end of the last hour, you will go into that theatre, and you will fight for it. You are not going anywhere.
YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME BEHIND.
…Tyler POV…It has been two hours. Two hours. Fuck. Time is just going by. It is only six hours to go. I am still trying to convince myself that my body can win this. But each time, as I look in the mirror and I see something new that is slipping away, I am losing hope.The only thing that is not losing hope is Jenna. She is fighting for both of us. She is here beyond what is even required.From the moment I met her, I knew I'd love her forever, that she was something precious, perfect. After three months of marriage, I still get butterflies when I look into her eyes. She has made me a better person, given me a more fulfilled life, and given me a happiness that I didn't know existed.Our lives have changed immensely since that frightening, confusing, life-changing day. That morning was normal, happy. We had everything going for us. It almost feels like our lives went on pause and have been on pause ever since. It all happened so fast.
…Jenna POV...Three hours have passed; we have five to go until they take Tyler away.It is five hours that I dread, it is ticking by slowly, and with each ticking second, it is crushing my heart slowly. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together. I am putting my best face forward for Tyler, but I think he can see the fear crumbling in my eyes.What has gone from saying that he does not want to leave me, he is not apologizing. Yet I need to remind him, “Baby, this is not your fault.”“But…”“No, but if it is anyone’s fault here, then it is mine. If I did not make such a mess up in my past, then it would not have come back to haunt me, but most of all, then you would not have gotten hurt.”And as he goes silent, I know that he is playing that day over in his head. I cannot even begin to imagine how much it must haunt him. He has not yet spoken to me about what exactly happ
…Tyler POV…Don't stop believing in yourself, no matter what happens.This is what I repeat in my head over and over as four hours have now passed; the next four hours seem like it is only total agony as we wait in anticipation.The fear that I felt four hours ago has not changed but for a moment. I am still terrified, and I am shocked to horror at what the outcome might be. Yes, I still fear that I will not come back as soon as they put me under. One cannot help but feel this; it is just human; we think the worst before the best even happens.But yes, time has been going by faster than we would have wanted, time spent with bad memories and, do I even dare to say, regrets.We got married three months ago today; Jenna has not said a word, I would love to believe that she has not forgotten, yet I know that we both have so much on our mind at present. But yes, three months ago, we stood across from each other, on literally the hottest fr
…Jenna POV…"Accept it. At some point, you are going to have to accept that this is not your fault. There is nothing that you can do about it."What else you can do nothing about is that five hours have passed, and the next three is dreaded even more than the hour beforeBut, what I can do, is tell you how I feel about you…you this illness…this thing that is tearing us apartYou infiltrate so many lives; how could you remember the details of Tyler’s? I do not remember you entering our thoughts. You were not in our vision at all. You can come to us in shock, all grades of your aggressiveness. I will give it to you; you totally took us by surprise and caught us out!Tyler has one hell of a fight on his hands against you. It is taking all he has to fight. You tear at his body; you mess with his mind; you make him, at times, doubt his desire to carry on fighting you, but trust me when I say that those doubts are moment
…Tyler POV…"It is time to forgive myself. There is nothing that I could have done differently."That is what Jenna says.We have just passed the sixth hour; time is getting so much closer now. In only but a blink, the last two hours will be gone, and I will be facing my fate and future.Things have become quiet; there are long uncomfortable silences between Jenna and me. At times I fear that our marriage is not going to survive, but I think, in fact I know, that there are more times that I believe that I am not going to survive.I have been trying to speak to Jenna about making peace with the possibility that I might not be around for much longer. But she wants to hear nothing of it.I am getting worse.This might have been my purpose, my lesson. But I am not sure what lesson I was supposed to have learned.It confuses me; I pray and ask why. Why had this had to happen to me? I am young and am supposed to have a
…Jenna POV…In front of me, I have Tyler fast asleep. We have been waiting for seven hours now; this last hour will be absolute tormented torture for us. Our faith and our love have been tested today, and it is not yet near close to being over.Who is more scared at this very moment is left to be seen. But apart from the fear of the unknown, not knowing what to say next, I know that there is only one thing in life that I care about the most.And that is Tyler.So I gently take his hand into mine and whisper to him,"You are the only precious thing in my life.”I hold his hand close to my heart, then I continue to speak in a hushed voice to him, “There's no moment that I don't think about you. I've always wished to experience that kind of love shown in movies, not knowing I was a step closer to experiencing it. It's so great to finally have someone as beautiful as you are to enjoy life with. You're my push, my streng
…Tyler POV…The time has come…the final hour has passed.In as little as a few minutes, they will come to wheel me away. What emotions do I feel? There are so many things that capture my mind; the one thing that brings up its ugly head is regret.I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment, and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next.Why did I not learn to treat everything like it was the last time? My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future. The truth is that unless you let go unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or som
…Tyler POV…It is with absolute fear in my heart that I am being wheeled into theatre. It feels as if I am falling into an abyss the closer and closer we get. There is a suffocating grip on my heart as each living breath is squeezed from my body. It feels as if a coldness has fallen like a blanket and taken away all the warmth. It feels as if I am slowly fading away.It's true; I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of the world moving forward without me. Everyone is afraid of something. We fear things because we value them. We fear losing people because we love them. We fear dying because we value being alive. Don't you wish you didn't fear anything? All that would mean is that you didn't feel anything.I have not always chosen the safest path. I've made my mistakes, plenty of them. I sometimes jump too soon and fail to appreciate the consequences. But I've learned something important along the way: I've learned to heed the call of my heart. I've learn