Chasing Liberty

I find myself once again sitting in the familiar white leather recliner chair. This place was terrible. The smell of bleach always burnt my nose, it was so sterile. Almost as if they were trying to hide the blood shed they had caused. It freighted me, what did they do in here that required the place to be cleaned so thoroughly, the smell of bleach was consuming. I could only imagine the un-imaginable things they were doing to some of the people here on their visits. I had learnt very early on the only way to survive here is to stay out of trouble and lie.

My parents had left me with all their bad memories, it haunted me. I used to think they passed it on so I could one day make a difference. But over time I realized they passed it on, because they were angry that I didn’t have to live with the same pain and suffering they had to. I could feel the sensation of a flash back pushing itself to the surface. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the torment sure to follow. The atmosphere was tense, the air was thick and heavy. It felt hard to breath. I began to pant trying desperately to get oxygen into my lungs. My heart rate began to quicken, I started to sweat, my chest ached. I tried to concentrate on breathing. Taking deep roughly timed breaths with my eyes closed. But the pain was getting worst, it was burning. Every part of me was burning. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. When I opened my eyes, I was in a war zone.

There were bodies everywhere, I had never seen so much pain and suffering in one moment. The streets were covered in blood. The sound of the victims cries and screams leaked into my heart. They were all dying if they weren’t already dead. Not a single person was left standing. Men, Women, children it didn’t matter they had all been massacred. The metallic smell of blood drowning me as it entered my nose and travelled to my taste buds. You couldn’t escape it. The scene was something from a horror film. I walked down the streets, the street that looked so familiar. Did I know this place? I kept walking past the bodies, trying to block out their cries and whimpers for help. What could I do? There was no way one person could save what looked like to be a city full of people minutes away from death. Who would do such a thing? Surely this had to be the aftermath of a war. But who, who could be this heartless? What exactly could have caused a war with this much destruction.

The light around me flickered as the view of the city began to fade. The smell of bleach once again filled my nose, the smell now welcomed as it drowned out the blood smell that had previously haunted me. I had no idea if what I saw was real, if those events had really happened. All I knew is whatever my parents endured, messed them up. They were bitter, angry and cold. They hated the fact I was untouched by the events. It didn’t matter how much I begged for mercy. I was only a baby when it happened. How could I possibly remember? There hatred towards me only grew as I aged, I become nothing more than a constant reminder of the peace they had lost and would never be able to regain. I swear it brought them joy to inflict pain and suffering on me. To watch me fall victim to the same misery they felt. It didn’t matter who you were, or where you came from, if you lived in the town of Kashaw life was hell.

“Hello Liberty, Good to see you again”

I watch the similar face of Charles appear in the room. The man was creepy, the way he smiled put me on edge. He was the type of person that you would cross the street to avoid. You just knew he was bad news. He gave nothing but bad vibes, the minute you saw him you got a shiver down your spine. You just knew he found a great deal of pleasure on torturing the unfortunate people that had to come through this door.  

“Charles” I spit out

“Anything to report? Anything of interest to discuss?

“As always no”

“May I remind you there is a reward for being helpful “

“I’m well aware Charles, everything I would want to report you already know about”

“Go on”

“Everyone is forced to work to the bone for nothing more than a food stamp that hardly covers enough food, we are only aloud to purchase scrap food, we are treated like animals, we aren’t given any sort of bargaining tools so we have no way of purchasing material to make clothes, bedding, furniture or even material to repair our houses, almost every house has a leaking roof, no bedding and hardly any clothing, everyone is starving. After all that suffering you force us to walk up a mountain to talk to you about whether or not we suspect anyone in the town has gifts. You bribe us to pit against each other for the chance of some extra food, or some other bonus item. In short I guess the only thing I have to report is you are an asshole and honestly FUCK you”

“I would watch your tone with me”

“or what, you are gonna what? Kill me? Cause please do, I’ve been thinking of doing it for years anyway, torture me? You already do that, so do my parents”

“This is why I love our chats, you are always so fun to talk to. No Cowering in fear, just pure annoyance. Getting to you is so satisfying. Really warms my heart you know. You are easy work for me, I don’t have to traumatise you or torture you it happens for me, how truly brilliant. It’s like a birthday gift for me. Do be a dear and thank your parents for me. They really do, do a great job you know”

 Everything after that was a blur, as I walked into the lab for testing. Each citizen would have to trek up a mountain to the temple of gods. Yes, the pompous assholes really called it the temple of gods. The place they used to interrogate us, pit us against each other, torture us, kill some of us, and run tests on us. The testing was the most critical part, if you failed you were taken away and never seen again. Sometimes I thought about failing on purpose, because I couldn’t see how life could get worse. But I refused to give them the satisfaction of taking me out. That’s what kept me going, kept me fighting. They didn’t deserve the satisfaction. In the lab, they would be testing you for any of the 4 known gifts, healers, warriors, match makers and green thumbs. No one knew what happened to the people who proved to have those gifts. Outside of the temple of gods not a single soul talked about the gifts. Talking about them was forbidden, I was always told it would bring grave luck to the whole town if someone was to speak of them. But that’s obviously just superstition.

The 4 known gifts have been around for thousands of years. People used to love and wish for their family to be blessed with someone who was born with a gift. There wasn’t a single person who hadn’t gone to a match maker to give them the ability to instantly feel the spark of their soul mate when they met. Match makers were the most common and one of the most used. The second most common gifts were green thumbs and warriors. Pretty self-explanatory titles I know. Warriors were naturally gifted fighters. They had an extra dose of courage, were extremely swift and quick on their feet, had quite a knack for making weapons and were very good strategists. Green thumbs could grow anything in any climate, could make any plant flower or bear fruit when they wanted.  They could train trees to grow in the shape of houses or furniture. The last known gift healers were the rarest. These people had the ability to heal physical or mental illness, disease, pain or suffering through many mediums. The catch was they couldn’t cheat death, someone could only be healed if it wasn’t there time to pass. Which is why a lot of healers had the ability to talk to spirits. Healers were known to work closely with green thumbs to obtain the herbs and plants required for a lot of their remedies.

The elite of Hydea, turned on the gifted. Saw them as freaks, they wanted to treat them like a suspected witch in the 15^thcentury. A lot of gifted people were killed in riots. The queen Rosalia was giftless however she came from a long family history of gifted individuals. Rosalia set in motion the plan to have all families with a strong history of gifted members to be removed from the city. That plan was beloved by all citizens, and quickly passed through the courts. The gifted and their fans thought this would keep them out of harm’s way. Which it did for a short time. But it had one massive flaw. Being born with a gift even the most common one was still extremely rare. By removing the families with a history of gifted members and family who strongly supported the gifted, you were left with a city who hated the gifted. This fuelled the hatred to a new level, year by year more and more rights were stripped from all of us living in Kashaw. Till we were left with what we are now, no rights at all and despised by most citizens of Hydea.

  I have two gifts, which as far as I’m aware is unheard of. I am a healer and a green thumb. Getting through the testing each week is hell. Having to push down my gifts caused me a lot of pain. It makes me feel physical ill. Mentally it torments me, there are things I could do to help my people. But if my powers got out, I would last no longer than a day before I was taken, then I would be no help to anyone. My hands are tied, I’m powerless. At least for now.

I stepped into the lab and took my seat next to a few other members who were also waiting for their testing. Everyone was silent, you could have heard a pin drop. The energy in the room was electric, buzzing from the super charge of anxiety that filled it. I had no idea if anyone else in this room was hiding gifts.

“Hello Liberty, your plants are growing mighty well, not a green thumb, are you? The lab tech blurted out.

Did she really think she was easing tension with that comment, is she insane? Melody while awkwardly stupid. Was a kind enough women. She hated the tension these tests cost and by her usual conversation around them I assume she has no idea what happens to those of us who don’t pass. She was harmless and made a lot of us feel as ease which is probably why they hired here. Hydrea while unjust, was not run by idiots. Things were very planned out, and everything had a reason for its design. The tests themselves were pretty easy to get through, which put people at ease while preforming them. Which had a higher chance of causing patients to slip up.

“Liberty your up” melody called “Okay so are these two people a match?

“I would say no”

“Elaborate” 

“Well they both have green eyes and blonde hair, and similar builds. So naturally I assume they are related”

“Okay and what do you see here”

“This question always gets me, what do you think I’m going to say when I see my orchid, I see my future. I see an orchid, a purple one, that’s flowering and going pretty well”

“And why is it flowering and thriving”

“Because it is a mountain orchid, native to this region and it is hot and humid in this room something this species loves”

“Okay and can you touch it”

I extend my hand, and inhale a deep breath. It’s okay its flowering already. I shouldn’t affect it in anyway. I gently touch the flower. “See nothing happened once again, like always. Next test”

“So eager to be beaten up”

“How cute Charles, you came specially to beat me up hey”. Someone might think you like me, should I blush”

This was one of my least favourite tests, I had no fighting training and I wasn’t a warrior so I got my ass handed to me by men each week. Oh, trust me I knew I wasn’t a warrior so I put up a fight.

“Let me go”

I turn my gaze to see an older gentleman, Mr Albert. He lived at the end of my street. He was a sweet old man. He was always the first to offer up food even if he didn’t have enough for himself. He was a real pure hearted man. All I could think about was why they had brought him up here. He hadn’t had to come up for testing for a year now, there was an age cap for testing. Why was he here now?

“Some of you may know this man, he is no use to the city anymore. He is too old to work. Therefore, he has to go. There is no room for useless people here”

The coldness in Charles voice made me sick. “I will do it”

“So, eager to kill, not a healer than hey”

I walk over to Mr Albert with a sad smile and a tear sliding down my cheek.

“Come lay down here” I say pointing at a couch. I lean down and whisper in his ear “I promise I won’t let this hurt, I’ll take all the pain away” I kiss his check and give him a wink. I watch as his eyes go wide as he realises what I was saying.

“I wish things could be different, but considering they can’t. I’m thankful to have someone so kind to do the deed”

I watch as he closed his eyes bracing for the blade. I take a deep breath and slide the blade across his neck. Tears stream down my face as I watch the blood pool at the base of his neck. All the colour draining from his face, his body becoming limp as his life drains from him. I cross his arms across his chest. I will take you home, you deserve a real burial I whisper to his lifeless body.

“Now you, don’t take my threat lightly Charles, I don’t make empty threats. One day I will be coming for you. and I will watch the light drain from your eyes with the most joy I have ever felt in my life. You can laugh today about it all you want, but I will be coming for you. If you value your pathetic excuse of a life I recommend you aren’t ever left alone with me”

The words echoed in my head, you are helpless. “Thanks a lot brain” I mutter bitterly to myself, “Because you know that’s exactly what I need, you bloody reminding me.” I stormed outside; the bone chilling wind hit me hard as I tread through the thick snow. Despite the freezing cold weather, winter here was a beautiful time, especially on the rare sunny days. A blanket of pristine white covered the land; the sunlight would hit the mist and make everything look bright and welcoming. I loved to sit under the big old ghost gum, watch the mist role by, listen to the birds cheerfully singing away, and watch the morning sunlight highlight the condensed air that the horses exhaled, as they huddled together to keep warm.

I paced past the house and tried to navigate my way around the yard to the back paddocks. The mist hovered over everything and made the familiar landscape, seem so foreign. The mist consumed the world around me, leaving me feeling so alone. I tried to shelter my face as the condensation from my tears began to freeze my skin. I strained my eyes, searching in the empty looking surroundings for the refuge of the old ghost gum.  I felt more tears begin to swell in my eyes as I watched the mist consume everything in its path. Making the world seem so empty, and it reminded me of how empty I felt inside. The tears came streaming down my face, making everything feel a thousand times harder than it already was.

I shuffled forward in frustration as I was blinded from the combination of my tears and the mist. I let my mind wonder to the events which had led me to this, until I was snapped back to reality by the distressing feeling of losing my balance.  I stayed in the position in which I had fallen, feeling despair finally taking over my mind. The emotional exhaustion took hold, and refused to let me move. I was stuck here, being forced to feel my mind torture me, by replaying the previous events over and over again, and placing doubts into my mind. “Stop, I’ve had enough” I scream as if to convince myself I could make it stop. If only I could, it was a constant war between the voice in the back of my head and me. It was as if I had someone in my head, which was constantly disappointed with me and couldn’t help but tell me how much I was a disappointment.  But how do you go about fighting a battle which is all in your head? How can you stop yourself from torturing yourself, is it even possible? The voice in my head was screaming telling me this was my entire fault, this time I begged it to stop. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tired of all these emotions, beating me down day in day out.

 I never wanted to be pushed so far down, that I couldn’t even imagine how to get back out; I never expected things to get this bad. The truth is the only thing getting me through each day was that I hadn’t got to the point where I had got close to killing myself. Like I had thought about it countless times and I mostly wished I had the guts to just end my life. Though I could never find the courage to go through with it, I took that as a sign that just maybe I could get through this. By all means I had thought about it but never got close enough to even injury myself. This made me think that maybe there was a reason for my life. But with every positive thought, came countless negative ones, the odds always seemed to be against me.

The hostile air froze my tears where they fell; I helplessly watched them drip off my face. I replayed the words. To remind yourself you are in control, take deep breaths, control your breathing. I felt the oxygen rushing into my lungs, sending a cool sensation down my throat. The oxygen working like happy gas, calmed my mind enough so that I could stand once again. My weak legs threatened to collapse at any moment, every step increasingly shaky. Such a simple everyday task had become so difficult. I launch my weak body forward to rest against the old gum tree. I no longer I had the strength to hold my body up. My shaky legs finally failed me and forced me to slide down the trunk. The warm rush of blood seeped through my skin, as the rough bark scraped and grazed away at me. I looked out across the scenery, the view here was always breathtaking. What have I come too? Since when did living become such a dreaded chore? All I knew was that something had to change, if I was going to win this battle.

This place had become home to me. When I thought of home, this is always where my mind wandered too. Countless memories, some good and some bad. Lately though it felt so empty and unwelcoming. The memories felt so distant, it no longer felt like my home. Truthfully nowhere felt like home, I no longer felt like I belonged. I had become just a shell of the person I was consumed with only my anxiety. The past used to haunt me, the bad memories would consume me. Until my mind couldn’t take the pain and it shut down. Feelings a distant memory, now I watch myself go through the motions. Smile when I know I should feel happy; laugh when something should be found funny. The numbness and emptiness from being emotionless was most certainly not worth the relief from the pain. Without feelings, you feel so empty and alone, you almost feel unhuman. Feeling like this made me feel weak. But living the way we were took a toll on us all.  

The cold air froze the last of my tears; my shaky legs began to strengthen. The sun rays sent soothing warmth through my system. I closed my eyes and breathed in a deep refreshing breath. Once again, I pulled myself together just enough to make it through another day. I force a half smile and thanked the calming scenery, for getting me through another melt down. I couldn’t take much more of this, my strength was diminishing rapidly day by day. I had made it through another break down, but for what? To be saved only by the fact that I could no longer feel anything. I didn’t know if I would get through this alive. Not if I things didn’t change. I had to make a change for myself and for everyone else here.