I had to lose myself to become this new me, my bracket of religion couldn’t push this away, I'm sure God understood, did he? I shook my head, chasing the insecurities away, I was finally happy.
It’s said to be wrong but my heart, my head, my very being was in this, no shred of discomfort was visible to me, known to me, and I knew this was meant to be.
Then there was cherry, I couldn’t stop smiling when I thought about her, people referred to me as ‘hers’ now, Malnovs beloved, Malnovs monalisa, it was really weird but I guess that’s what happens when you date a Malnov, I cared little about her status actually, I just wanted her.
I went back to ignoring cherry, avoiding her at every turn, I started hanging out with Ray more, he had a girlfriend now, her name was Asher, we called her archer just to get under her skin, she was really cute, dark skinned, short and crazy.They always hinted on a triad but my heart was elsewhere.I could feel Cherry's eyes everywhere I went, see who the stalker was now.She kept sending me messages, some sweet, some needy, she woke me up with romantic texts, left loving voicemails, tried to talk to me every day, I was flattered really but I didn’t need all the physical assurances, she broke our emotional bridge, no amount of flowers or chocolates could fix that.I went back to my former routine, classes, if I wanted to attend them, cafeteria, library, walk around campus, Ray’s room or mine.We had fun most times, we either talked about anime or played video games, I always won though, what c
The following week had me in a daze, I was just grateful we had a free week, our exams were over, we just had to party our freshmen skins off, tradition they said.I spent most of my time with cherry, I had basically moved in with her, I called it getting our lost moments back, cherry went out of her way all week, she spoilt me rotten, I did love the attention but money coming from her felt wrong.I loved her either way but I didn’t want her to think I wanted her money or feel obliged to buy me stuff, I made it a rule, if it wasn’t important don’t buy it, if it wasn’t needed don’t get it, in return if she did buy it I couldn’t whine about the price, we went back and forth, throwing rules, countering others.The more time I spent with cherry the less I did Ray and Asher, she didn’t like him and she made it known, she extended the dislike to Asher, she was just that petty.I tried several times in several ways t
The sendoff email was still fresh in my mail box when I hauled my ass to the bus station, cherry whined for thirty minutes before she let me go, some kisses half way in and I was fueled for the days ahead.My mom wanted to pick me up, I would have liked that but I tore off my freshmen skin for something, I needed to stay true to the pact I made, freshmen before, freshmen never again.I was sitting in a bus with an old man’s head on my shoulder listening to the melodic tunes of his snores, things we do for our promises.I stared out through the window as I listened to music, I enjoyed the view anytime I traveled or went on a road trip, I was a sucker for them.I chatted back and forth with cherry, rejected a video call because I didn’t trust her not to tease me, I needed a clear head and underwear for this journey no matter how much I loved her.The journey was over before I cou
This scene felt all too familiar, staring at this unattractive ceiling, laying on this cold bed, surfing through the memories zooming in and out of my head, I retraced every road, redrew every line, unsaid every word but I was still in this plain room, I couldn’t retrace that.I woke up to my new reality, my chosen path, how did I feel? Thrilled but scared, what would I do? Live life as I wanted now, with who I wanted and how I desired to.I decided to call my mom later in the day, maybe she would want to meet up to hear me out, she would hear me out right? I might want to be free, desire to be loved and ready to be known but my family still is and would always be my family.The neighborhood was quiet and business like, no birds chirping, no neighbor screaming, I missed the little things but I wanted to be who I was, to live freely not as a FAG but as a person.I'd come a long way, fought so many battles,
Sitting in my low budget hotel room with my multi-millionaire girlfriend felt surreal, I stayed quiet while she animated her argument, using her hands, she exaggerated her point, one hundred and one reasons why she couldn’t make it yesterday.Listening to cherry’s excuses, doubt slowly crept into my heart, enveloped my mind and seized my body, there was so many excuses I doubted she knew she wasn’t keeping up.One went into another again and again, it began to sound like sweet lies, the tune perfectly played, I was beyond swayed, beyond saving.“Why are you lying to me?”With a shocked expression, she argued “Kat you know I've never lied to you amore mio, why would you think that?”“Where were you when I kept calling?”“I was at work, I couldn’t escape, I tried to cal-”“Bullshit
Classes had resumed full swing, I had little or no time for myself, the lecturers were brutal, if this was meant to be a dog fight, I would go back to my room in rags every day.Needless to say, this week wasn’t my week, devils time of the month had caught up to me then add to it this stress, I was beyond livid, I smiled for a certain amount of time each day, I never exceeded it, sometimes I just didn’t you know… smile.We were pushed to our limits every day, some days I didn't want to wake up, or think about the stress of the day, I felt I had no purpose in life when I did, I would dive straight into bed to wake up five minutes after.The cruelty of the world was no joke, couldn’t time slow the fuck down?I looked like a homeless person who got bitten by a zombie, my life held no spontaneous acts, I was trying to keep up with classes as it was, I couldn&rsq
I couldn’t enjoy my sleep deep enough, barely even six and my door was being attacked, the endless raps were driving me insane.I stomped to the door ripping it open, “What?” I growled at the intruder through hooded eyes.“It’s not my fault your girlfriend is a party pooper” Asher lamented as she stormed into my room, two women hot on her heels.“Hi Good morning, I'm Shane and this is Kelly, we’ll be doing your makeup, fitting you into your dresses, basically dolling you up, we have seven hours before the driver gets here so I’d suggest we start now” Shane said smiling brightly.I glowered at the woman, SEVEN HOURS! She had seven hours and she decided to disturb my sleep right now, oh I was so going to kill cherry.Three hours trapped beneath two hands that tugged and pulled, scraped and invaded my privacy, I was ready for the day
I didn’t know what time it was, I didn’t know where I was, I would be surprised if I even knew who I was.I smiled bitterly, oh heavens, was this revenge? Was this retribution? I leave to be happy and you take that happiness from me knowing I have nowhere else to go.Is this a power tussle? You know, the kind where you show me your almightiness and I bow in awe of your grace.I screamed silently at my reflection, all the bitch did was scream back, I punched the mirror over and over again not caring about the tiny fragments that lodged themselves deeper into my knuckles.I stared at the damaged wall in front of me, glass was everywhere, my blood unfortunately wasn’t, I walked through the glass carelessly, not satisfied with the blood that trailed behind me.I walked into my room, what was once soothing turned cold and dark, it was just a room, I couldn’t muster any courage to show shades at this small cocoon, I mean it was the only