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XLV. The Confrontation
I've been scared my whole life. Scared of being alone and of not being enough. And then along the way, I lost myself in the process of running away from all things I was afraid of.
I am trapped inside my head, afraid to face reality. Either it breaks you or makes you that's reality– that's truth. And unfortunately, I stayed in limbo.
I planned things. I orchestrated everything that would undoubtedly end in a happily ever after. A perfect ending.
That was probably the reason why I've been working as a part-time wedding planner in college while pursuing interior design, thinking a well-planned life could save me from disappointment and heartbreak. At the end of the day, I'm still the insecure little girl trying to prove my worth. And even how much I've physically grown from that girl, deep inside I'm scared of taking risks and falling apart.
I've been making my own truth, my alternate reality.
Lies are a different kind of dru
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Colors of Heartbreak XLVl. Closure
“Do you hate me, Brad?” Brad looked awkwardly, straight ahead, out the windshield.He shook his head, his face forlorn. “I could never hate you, Elle. I know I'm an a*s. I—I wanted you to hate me. I thought that maybe if I treat you badly you'll hate me enough to curse me to hell and then the truckload of guilt I feel would ebb.”“Did it work?”He raked a hand through his hair, eyes blankly gazing at the distance. “No. Not in the very least. What I did hurt and messed you up. I wish I could take it all back, Elle. I realized I only made you doubt yourself.” I balled my fists as an onslaught of anger slammed in me. I tried to concentrate on what he said and not the memory of him and Stella together.“You did.” I gritted out. Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking if I really deserve happiness. If I really deserve Killiad. What if one day he'll wake up and realized I'm not worth it. Even how
Colors of Heartbreak XLVII. Intruder
Blistering heat hit me from the afternoon sun as I walk out of my office for a late lunch at my favorite Mexican place.A smile curves up in my face as I looked around. The world is extra vibrant like an old musical movie playing on a vast lawn with the cold night breeze blowing in the background.It was a scene–a fantasy that had played out many times than I could count when I was falling asleep. It was a safe haven for me in my dreams. A smile tugged up at the corner of my lips. I circle my arms around my stomach as the urge to skip on the sidewalk while humming a nameless tune came over me.As I rounded the corner, nostalgia hit me right in the gut as the scene around me played in a manner like the last movie I had watched.I had watched it with Killiad. I remember wiping a stray tear in my eyes as we watched the movie in silence while I was cocooned in Killiad's warmth.A smile started to bloom on my face the moment I saw Killiad's famili
Colors of Heartbreak XLVIII. Breaking In
Funny how can someone mean so much to me after a few hours spent together years ago. I frequently question myself why but like a parasite I clung to her, to our memories spent together, her strength and vulnerability, my darkness to her light.Indeed, the best stories usually begin unexpectedly.Or maybe not.All those years, she’d been my compass, my own guiding path. Our memories together pushed me to where I am today. Elle saved me that day. I was on the edge of losing myself, I was about to give up but then she came barging into my life and I was left with a purpose after that fateful night. That night I feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time.Belongingness.She made me feel human. Complete with happiness, sadness, and grief. She made me peek through the gap of true happiness and for the first time before Elle came into my life I feel peace at heart. She washed away my anger and tame the chaos that took residence in my head.
Colors of Heartbreak XLIX. Safe
If I could just snap my fingers and wake up from this nightmare.I have never been so terrified for myself or others. Perhaps it's my fault. I didn't want the attachment. Attachment means physical and emotional responsibility. It means you have to fully giving yourself to someone became you trusted them to take care of yours and they trusted you to do the same. It'll mean my childhood all over again.I've never been so scared for a stranger jumping out of nowhere to save me.That would mean I would be responsible for his life if he's still alive after that single shot went off.I lay unmoving trying to feel every part of my body. At my peripheral vision, I saw Killiad pounding the glass wall mercilessly. He looked tortured, defeated, and scared out of his wits.If he could just look in my direction.My breath caught when then the muscled stranger groaned, a grimace marring his handsome face. He's tall, big, dark, and handsome. He's like the
Colors of Heartbreak XLX. The Gang
“You look like sh*t,” Gavin commented just as I step on the rooftop of the bar where we usually hang out when the four of us– Gavin, Gustavo, Grayson, and I are in one city.“Gavin!” Gustavo hissed under his breath on his little corner.I tipped the bottle of beer in my hand in Gavin's direction, nodding my head. “I feel like one, bro.”He rolled his eyes, sitting on the small table. He had never taken his eyes off me as I stagger into the railing. “Can't you just call her?” I wish it was that simple.I shook my head like the thousand times I did when my finger hovers above her name on my phone screen. It feels like Mom all over again. Though I have everything money could buy I don't have the only person that I ever wanted.Space.She needed space. I ought to give her the space she wanted, after all, I had lied and hidden secrets from her. I broke the trust that she had given me. Ho
Colors of Heartbreak XLXl. Gray
“Woah! What is it this time?” Emily asked as a way of greeting as she sauntered inside my office without knocking. It was clear in her face that she's excited on my behalf.“Breakfast from my favorite restaurant,” I mumbled looking anywhere but my Secretary. I don't know why I felt embarrassed about eating it. It's food and on top of that, it is my favorite.Killiad has been sending me flowers, breakfast, lunch, dinner with notes raging from ‘I miss you, I've been thinking about you and ‘Please come home, we could fix this.No, I love you or I care for you. Nothing. I want to hope but I couldn't afford to. It'll hurt too much and I don't know if I could survive the pain.I wonder what he wanted to fix. Our marriage or his life. He probably wanted to rid of me.Emily scoffed, trying to stifle her laugh.“Please don't stop your obvious mirth on my account,” I rolled my eyes, picking my pen.
Colors of Heartbreak XLXII. Mend Back
Hours later, I stood outside the gigantic gate of my parents' house, working up the courage to talk to them. It's been a week and they only have Sunday as a day-off that is, if they won't be called back to the hospital at the end of the day.My childhood home was still the same even the creaked and groaned of the gate as it opens, the sound of the soles on my shoes as it hits the brick walkway. I felt nostalgic as I looked around the place. This was the first place that held the memories of my childhood. Both happiness and sadness lay in every corner of the place that had held my young heart.A small sad smile curved up on my face. I made a lot of mistakes and I know I couldn't undo them but as I think my life through I realized it taught me the best lessons in life.I couldn't lose my parents again. They had sacrificed everything they had and I pushed them away. Not anymore.Trust is a brittle thing that should be enforced with love to make it stronger.
Colors of Heartbreak XLXIII. Almost Perfect
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- Colors of Heartbreak XLXV. Colors of Heartbreak
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