003

Lindsay

I sat alone waiting for Gunther's family doctor to return with the test result that I had taken an hour ago. I wasn't even excited as I knew it would return negative.

This is why I took the test with my doctor so I would know how to be prepared for the lashings I was to receive from the Gunthers; at this point, I wasn't even surprised if they knew the result before I was told.

Tomorrow is the late Sir Frederick Gunther’s death anniversary, so that will be the perfect time for them to confront me about the test results.

"Mrs. Gunther, the test results are ready. I am sorry to have kept you waiting; I needed to see a patient whose mother was panicking," Mr. Sloan explained as he closed the door behind him; he rushed to his seat.

Mr. Sloan is the family’s gynecologist and deals with the childbirth of every Gunther. He is around his late sixties or seventies yet still looks strong and agile.

When I came to tell him the result, Mr. Sloan looked at me with so much intent; there I could also see that he pitied me.

I braced myself for the heartbreaking news I was going to receive for the second time this week. No matter how many times I hear it, I always end up feeling hurt. I have cried to the point I am worried there are any tears left in my tear duct.

I waited for him to speak up even though I already knew the outcome.

"Mrs. Gunther, I think it is time we look into another solution, maybe surrogacy?" Mr. Sloan suggested.

"I would have to speak to my husband first about it," I replied. I am not sure it will be accepted or kicked against. I just wanted this to be over and done with.

"Of course, I am coming over for the late Frederick's death anniversary; maybe I could put in a word to Berenice. I am sure she wouldn’t object to it if you and your husband agree," Mr. Sloan said.

I nodded my head. "I think I should first discuss this with my husband before telling other people."

"If that is what you want, I have no problem with it." Mr. Sloan clapped his hands together as he smiled. "It is not that you can’t bear children; you can…"

And… why haven’t I?

I restrained myself from asking; I am sure the reason wasn’t for my ears but for Berenice to hear—I despise Engel's mother a lot.

I returned home to find my sister at my house; she ran to hug me.

"When last did I see you?" Alessia squealed as she tightened her hug, "God, I have missed you so much, so much."

Alessia released me; I was relieved to see someone whom I am familiar with around the estate; at least I wouldn’t have to go through this entire day sinking myself in cold water at the bathtub, hating every single day that passes.

I didn’t even notice that I had begun to cry in front of my sister.

"Lindsay, why are you crying?" Alessia wiped my tears with her hand as she consoled me. "Is everything okay?"

"Mhm,"

"Then what is wrong?"

I sighed out, "I-I..." I searched for the words, and none of it could come out of my mouth; I just couldn't tell her exactly how I was feeling. They will certainly break because she warned me against getting involved with the Gunthers; I never listened.

"You what? You missed me?"

That was it, the real reason I am emotional.

I nodded.

"Thank God I came then. Come, we have a lot of catching up to do." Alessia pulled me away to sit with her in the living room. "So tell me, how are things with you?"

I stiffened.

My eyes look into my sister’s as I ask, "How does it look to you?" My voice failed me as I stuttered.

Alessia bore her eyes deep into my soul; she was searching the way she became quiet. I was afraid she wouldn’t get it right until she said, "What have they done to you, Lin?"

I breathed out heavily, my fingers fidgeting as I shied away from her.

"I am thinking of asking Engel for a divorce," I admitted, my head laid low. I felt a weight lifted off from my shoulders having borne this for so long.

I searched for Alessia's reaction; though a bit shocked, she had reached out to hold my hand. "Then do it," Alessia consented. She never asked me why I would want to step away from the Gunther family; she just offered her support.

She is my blood; of course, she sees not everything is okay with me. I was never myself when I came visiting, as I was always being followed around by a particular car.

The truth was, I never got to enjoy the sweetness of marriage even at the early stages.

"I have a lawyer friend; she will handle the divorce proceedings for you. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. When do you intend on letting Engel know?"

"Maybe after his father’s death anniversary tomorrow. I don't know yet; this is too soon. I know he has already been told that the test result came out negative."

"What test results?" Alessia's forehead furrowed with concern, upset I was only telling these things now.

"Pregnancy? I take them each month to see if I am pregnant," I told her. I refuse to hide anything from her this time around.

Her reaction had come after processing everything I just told her, "Come again, what do you mean you take a pregnancy test each month? This is absurd, and Engel doesn’t say anything?"

"He doesn't! Which is why I am mad; he lets his family have their way against me, and I am just here accepting of everything that he does. Engel doesn’t understand the weight it carries to hear things like miscarriages, negative things, and all those things that leave you devastated for a week, months even; I get to hear all of that every month." I complained, pouring out all of my feelings.

I found it difficult to breathe, as it felt like I was being stabbed a million times in my chest.

I don’t think I could do this any longer.

"My God, Lindsay, why the hell would you keep shut about something like this? Look at you, you are obviously tired."

"I am Alessia; I don’t even know what else to say, God." I covered my eyes as they welled with tears. I was wallowing in pain and still kept it away from family; I never wanted any of them to worry; now I regret not telling them sooner.

"I am not even going to ask if you have tried speaking to Engel himself because I am sure he sees these things and ignores them. That man clearly does not love you."

"He does..." I found myself defending. Alessia stared at me incredulously; she couldn’t believe her ears. "I am not going to even ask what that is about."

What was I to do? Unlike the way I look at Engel, Engel still has the very same admiration for me since we met each other. The way he looks at me has never faltered.

Although I accept he has made me raise questions about his affection for me, I don’t see everything he does, and I… not defend him to myself.

I wouldn’t even offer myself advice at all.