001

Lindsay

I love my husband; I mean, there was a time when I did.

At times I would get excited over the bare minimum he would do, get excited over him preparing breakfast in bed, and bring home my favorite flowers he would pick up from the florist shop on his way home from work.

He was my everything.

I have grown to understand that not all good things last, as the sweeter they get, the faster they turn sour. Our relationship was like that, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth that wouldn't go away.

My stomach twisted into knots every time I laid my eyes on him. It was exhausting. I had to let go and move on, even though it hurt like hell.

So many times I had thought of calling it quits, but I just couldn't; he is a Gunther.

I reminded myself I needed the awakening.

"Till the wheels fall off." I laugh at such fake promises.

Certainly, it had fallen off at the very moment I said ‘I do.’ I just never paid attention and deceived myself about how things would get better, convincing myself Engel, my husband, still loved me.

Engel can be very vocal when it comes to showing affection, but lately, he just never minded at all. I am starting to feel maybe somebody else has his attention, which is fine; all I want is to be freed.

"Mrs. Gunther, Sir Engel has returned home. Would you like me to set the table for dinner?" Zainab, the house help, asked while I was stepping out of the room in my nightwear.

"Let it be; he probably ate at the Gunther family house. I am not sure he will bother having his meal tonight, I told her, and Zainab nodded. My chest tightened as I held back the feeling burning inside of me; the fact I knew this and pretended not to mind hurt me, but not anymore.

I went downstairs to see him; after all, I should welcome him home. Engel wasn't there in the living room. "I thought you said my husband is back," I asked Zainab as she was heading to her room.

"He is. Sir Engel has gone to the study," Zainab informed.

My eyes went to the study; someone had turned on the light. I heaved a heavy sigh. How important work must be for him to ignore his wife, couldn’t even tell me he was home. I mean, am I not important enough?

I knocked on the door twice before opening it; he didn’t quite say that I should, but I did anyway.

"I heard you were home," I managed to smile at him; it was all performative to show that I was still very much in love with him even though it was simply just a lie.

Engel raised his head from what he was doing as he placed the file to the side and took off his glasses. "I came home not too long ago. I thought you would be asleep, which is why I didn't bother to disturb you."

"It is 9:45," I told the time through the grandfather clock; it was his blatant excuse that made me think he must think I had nothing to do, which is why I slept through the whole day and even this early.

I needed the disturbance; I needed to know if he still wanted me.

"Indeed," Engel responded, not picking up my subtle jab at him. "You should be asleep, especially since tomorrow you will be paying a visit to the doctor,"

Oh, this is what it was… my monthly visit to check if I ever would get pregnant for the first son of the Gunther family. I have been pressured for the past two years since we tied the knot, not by Engel himself but by his family, especially his mother.

Engel never spoke up for me about the constant abuse I received from them, and they never stopped to remind me that I was from nothing and the least I could do was provide the Gunthers their first grandson.

I told Engel of this, and although he made an effort, it just wasn’t enough, as it always continues, whether it was through occasional dinners or random visits.

For the doctor’s visit, it was done at the end of each month. This time around I had gone earlier since I hadn’t seen my monthly flow; it was better to get my heart broken as soon as possible.

I wasn’t pregnant. It breaks me to know I will be called a barren woman by these obnoxious privileged Gunthers who feel they have the right to belittle everybody they come across, all because they are rich and own half of Bavaria; as crazy as that sounds, they do.

Don’t even get me started on the extended families too; those are even worse.

"If you want me to come with you to see the doctor—"

"That won’t be necessary," I cut him off, my tone firm; it startled him, as he probably had never had me talk back to him before.

"Why?"

Engel has never followed me to any of the doctor’s visits. Why all of a sudden was he bothered about it?

I should have stayed in the room and not bothered about seeing him this evening; now I just… I just maybe will cry myself to sleep.

"How long are you planning on staying up?" I changed the topic; I didn’t want this to linger for much longer than it should.

"Throughout the night," Engel responded.

"Throughout the night?" I was deeply concerned; he had already worked the day off, and now he was pulling up an all-nighter. "I think you should slow down and get some rest," I suggested, even though my input won’t matter much to him in his life unless his family speaks to him.

I was his family, but I guess Engel was stuck in the family he knew of for several years, and I was still a stranger to him.

"The vineyard caught fire last week, so I am trying to see if our accounts are right; we might have incurred lots of losses this season," Engel replied, "I will not be able to rest tonight."

I didn’t even know the vineyard caught on fire in the first place; he never bothered letting me know.

"Is there anything I can bring for you? Maybe coffee?"

"No, I already had enough."

I nodded, "I will head to bed now." I turned to leave.

I was almost reaching out for the door when he called, "Lindsay." Engel's voice was soft and calm, a perfect tone for the night.

I turned to answer him, "Do you need anything?"

Engel was hesitant; he shook his head. "Nothing, just that I love you," he smiled.

Four years ago, my heart would have beat so fast at this; now, it didn’t even flutter, "I love you too." I spat out those empty words that were.