Chapter 4

PRESENT

The sharp smell of chlorine hit me and my stomach rolled. Even the soft lily scent of my own shampoo made me queasy now. I took a slow breath, trying to settle it, and kept walking toward room twelve—the gynecology department.

Finding out I was pregnant had knocked the air out of me, but I was still clinging to the tiny hope that the tests were wrong. I wasn’t going to believe it until a doctor said the words out loud.

I moved down the hallway, turned left, and spotted the sign from a distance. ROOM 12.

Two women were already waiting. I was relieved it wasn’t packed—sometimes the line stretched way longer. One had dark curly hair and stood right in front of the door, arms folded, clutching a file to her chest. The other sat on the metal bench with a nice round baby bump.

I dropped into the seat beside her and gave a small smile when she smiled at me. She kept glancing my way, curious, and it made me shift a little.

“Hi!” she said brightly, her cheeks a soft pink. She looked like she was glowing from the inside.

“Hello.”

“Which month are you?” she asked, resting her hands on her belly.

I wasn’t even sure I was pregnant yet. “I’m just here for a confirmation,” I told her with an awkward little grin. Her eyebrows lifted and she nodded like she got it.

“And you?” I asked, nodding toward her bump.

“Seven months,” she answered, pride lighting up her whole face. Seeing her like that tugged at something in my chest. She was genuinely happy about it, and why wouldn’t she be? She probably had a solid family, a husband who loved her—the simple silver ring on her left hand said enough.

“Your boyfriend didn’t come with you?” she asked out of nowhere. I tensed up instantly. Just hearing the word boyfriend made my shoulders tighten. I didn’t really want to answer, but I shook my head anyway.

“Why? Is he busy?” she pressed, like it was her business.

I turned it back on her. “Where’s your husband? He didn’t come?”

“He ran to the store for vanilla ice cream,” she said, calm and easy.

The woman with the dark curls was called in when the couple inside finished. They walked out looking thrilled, smiling at everyone as they passed.

“You know, I got pregnant with Anya when I was only eighteen,” the woman beside me said suddenly. It caught me off guard. “My boyfriend dumped me the second he heard. My parents kicked me out—they were so ashamed. Life got really hard. I even booked an abortion because I wanted to get rid of the whole mess.” She paused, eyes softening as she looked down at her belly. “But something stopped me. It felt like Anya was talking to me herself.” She gave a quiet laugh. “I thought I was making a huge mistake, but it turned out to be the best decision I ever made.”

She turned back to me. I reached over and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. I hadn’t known any of that, but parts of her story felt way too close to mine.

Her words left me unsure. Before I walked into the hospital I’d already decided that if I was pregnant, I’d get an abortion. Now I wasn’t so sure anymore.

“So if you’re feeling lost or can’t decide,” she added softly, “just listen to your heart. It always knows the answer, even when you don’t.”

She was basically telling me to think twice.

“You talk a lot,” I teased, and she laughed.

A few minutes later the curly-haired woman came out and it was the pregnant woman’s turn. She glanced down the hall one last time, like she was hoping someone would show up, then headed in alone. Her crocs squeaked on the tile floor.

“You’ll get a call tomorrow morning for your results,” Dr. Gregory Sutton told me. “Make sure you take these supplements. The nausea will probably stick around, so have them right after you eat.” He scribbled the names on a notepad, tore the sheet off, and handed it over.

I was still in the hospital gown. He’d run two tests—one urine, one blood.

The urine test came back positive, just like the two I’d done at home. Three positives weren’t a coincidence. I was pregnant. The doctor said he was eighty-nine percent sure. Once the blood work came in tomorrow, the last bit of doubt would be gone.

“What about… the abortion procedure?” I asked, the words sticking a little.

Dr. Sutton looked up over his big octagonal glasses and stopped writing. “Once we’re certain, we can talk about that. It’s safe within the first twelve weeks. After that it gets riskier.”

“Can it happen this week?” I blurted out, fingers twisting together in my lap. “There’s a good chance I’m pregnant.”

“Sure. Just make the appointment and we’ll handle everything here.”

I nodded, staring down at my knotted hands. It was probably the safest choice. The smartest one. There was no way I could look after a baby right now. I could barely look after myself.

I changed back into my clothes and left the hospital. The whole trip had drained me. I didn’t have the energy for the rest of my classes. Back in my dorm I flopped onto my single bed and groaned as my body ached. My stomach growled, but the thought of getting up and walking to the café felt impossible.

That’s when my phone rang. I checked the screen before answering. “Hey,” I said, voice flat.

“Hey! You don’t have plans tonight, right?” Clara asked, her cheerful tone usually enough to lift anyone up. Not today. I felt like I was underwater.

“Not really. Why?”

“I scored free tickets to the Aphrodite Show!” she squealed so loud I had to pull the phone away. “We’ve been dying to see it forever, Elara! We’re finally going!”

If I weren’t drowning in this pregnancy mess, I would’ve been just as excited. But I wasn’t. “Sorry, Clara. I can’t tonight. I don’t feel great.”

“Whoa, what’s wrong? Are you sick?”

“Something like that…” I mumbled. I couldn’t bring myself to spill it. Clara still had no idea I was pregnant. I hadn’t told a soul.

“Elara, don’t mess with me. I can hear it in your voice—there’s more you’re not saying.”

She knew me too well. “I just don’t feel like going, okay? Sorry I’m ruining your plans.”

“Nope. You’re coming. If you don’t, I’m showing up at your dorm and dragging you out myself.”

I let out a small laugh and rolled onto my side. “Clara…” I hesitated. I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t tell her yet, but it didn’t feel right. “You’re such a pain in the ass,” I teased instead.

“Exactly! So be ready at seven. I’ll pick you up.”

I rolled my eyes even though she couldn’t see. “Fine.”

“That’s my girl,” she said, sounding happy. “Gotta run. See you!”

“Yeah, see you.”

I tossed the phone aside and draped my arm over my eyes. Maybe being around her would help. As I closed my eyes, the pregnant woman’s words floated back through my head.

“If you’re unable to make a choice or a decision, listen to your heart. It always has the answer to your unrequited question.”

Did my heart already know what I wanted? Did it?