Divorced, Desired, Dangerous

Nilah’s pov

The penthouse was quiet, I stood in the kitchen with my hands gripping the sink as I stared at the divorce papers, I tried remembering how to breathe.

In… out…

The same way my therapist had taught me before I had stopped going because Marcus said I didn’t need one.

"You're being dramatic Nilah, everyone has bad days.” He said.

But this wasn’t a bad day… This was three years of bad days compressed into a single moment of realization so it hurts.

The front door clicked open, I didn't turn around, I didn’t need to, I knew the sound of his footsteps, it was quick… already mentally a few steps ahead into whatever deals he was closing. The faint scent of jasmine perfume followed him inside.

It wasn’t mine, I wore a chocolate body spray from the drugstore because expensive perfume made my skin sore.

Jasmine… Vanessa’s signature perfume.

“You’re home early.” My voice sounded inaudible even to my ears.

Marcus dropped his suitcase by the door with a heavy thud. “The board meeting went short, where’s dinner?

Where’s dinner? Now how was your day? Or I missed you or any of the things he used to say when we had first gotten married, back when I was still prettier and new, before he realized I didn’t fit into his world the way Vanessa did.

“I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t make any.” I finally turned to look at him, the sight of him made my chest ache. This six-foot-five man with a sharp jawline and perfectly styled brown hair, wearing a suit that cost more than what my bookstore made in a month. He loosened his tie.. the. The brown one I had gifted him on our last anniversary that he never wore because Vanessa had called it ‘old-fashioned’ at the office party.

I had heard her since I was standing not too far from them, sipping some fruit juice while watching my husband smile at her like she had said something so cute rather than cruel.

Marcus stared at me with his icy blue eyes that used to soften at the sight of me  but now he barely spared me a glance before returning to his phone. “Nilah, I don't have time for your moods tonight, I have the Castellano contract to review.”

“One of my moods?” I repeated the words slowly with a bitter tone. “Is this what we’re calling it now?

“Calling what?” He was already walking towards his office, dismissing me with a wave of his hand, the same way he had been doing for months. Maybe years, when did it start? When had I become invincible to him?

“The fact that you came home smelling like her again!” This wasn’t the first nor second time, it had somehow become a routine for him, even after I had told him about my ugly past with her, she had been my high school bully and I could never forgive her for what she had done to me.

He stroked his hair, his shoulders tense beneath his custom Tom Ford jacket, the one Vanessa had helped him pick out because she had ‘better taste’ than me.

“Gosh, Nilah, not again.” He exclaimed, spinning around, and there it was, the irritation. He barely hid it like he used to do. “Vanessa is my assistant and is always around me, we work together closely, that’s what happens in the corporate world, maybe if you spent less time hiding in that forsaken bookstore and spent more time trying it in your life.”

“I tried “ the words exploded from my lips. “I did, Marcus I tried so hard, I went to corporate dinners even when those women looked down on me for not fitting in, I took business courses, I changed my clothes, even my hair just to fit in for you.” My voice cracked. “I changed myself and it still wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough.”

He ran his hand through his hair, messing the perfect style, it was a gesture he did when he was frustrated but trying to keep his cool. “Nilah, it’s not fair.”

“Is it?” I moved closer and my eyes caught sight of the faint lipstick smudge on his collar, a blush pink, Vanessa shade. She had worn it to our wedding three years ago and made a joke about how it was wedding-appropriate but too sexy for the office.

I smiled, pretending not to notice that his eyes had followed her across the reception. “When was the last time you touched me? Really touched me?”

“We fucked last week.”

“In the dark Marcus, for three minutes, and then you went to the shower to have a call with her.” The memory burned in my head like acid, I had pressed my face against the pillow crying my eyes out. “That’s not touching, that’s just going on with it like I’m…”

“What do you want from me Nilah?” His voice rose defensively. “I work sixty hours a week trying to build something that would make me give you everything…. This penthouse, the credit card with no limit, the car, or even the bookstore that barely…”

“I never asked for any of that.” My hands were shaking so badly that I clasped them together. “I’m asking just for you… I’m asking for the man I once loved, I hate this empty feeling you portray towards me like you’ve lost interest in me.”

Something flickered across his face, guilt perhaps or annoyance that I was taking up his time.

“Nilah.”  He sighed in exhaustion. “I think we both know this isn’t working.”

The words hung in the air.

“What isn’t working?” I asked, seeming clueless. God knows I had known for months, maybe longer, but I just couldn't face it.

“Us, this marriage, we want different things.. you want… I don’t know, some dreamy life like there aren’t no worries in this world, but I’m building something that needs a partner with me, someone who understands business, dinners not someone who prefers to read and write off our own life”

“Someone like Vanessa?” The name left a bitter taste in my mouth.  His silence was more than enough for me to understand.

Every time I had blamed myself for not being enough, all those nights I had stressed out when he had called to say he was coming home late, only to hear that witch lurking around him, making him come back with bites he claimed an insect bit him.

“She suits my life better.” He continued coldly. “Vanessa understands the world I’m in, the urge to climb the social ladder while claiming what I've always wanted.” He added.“She comes from a wealthy family as well.”

The tears I had been holding back were finally sliding down my cheeks. “I’ve finally become boring to you, haven’t I?” I asked.

“I never said you were boring.” He claimed, yet his tone said otherwise.

“You don’t need to blurt it out, I can see your disappointed looks every day when you glance at me like she’s everything you ever needed.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand.

“Vanessa and I are…”

“You’re having an affair with her.” I blurted out. “And I have evidence.” I carried an envelope that rested on the couch and flung it at him, he couldn’t get it quickly so it spilled. Pictures of them in intimate positions were spread across the floor.

He stared at it for a while before a smug smile appeared on his lips. “You finally got what you wanted, huh?” He scoffed. “Since you can’t just be a quiet bitch and instead decided to snoop around my… affair I would rather divorce you.”

That explains why I found the divorce papers in his office. How pathetic of me to think this was a mistake. I was shattered from within, all I ever wanted was a quiet and peaceful marriage with kids running about but that never happened, all he cared about was work and the little time he got he would rather spend it with Vanessa.

He pulled out a divorce file from his briefcase and passed it to me, my hands were still shaken in disbelief but I took it from him.

I had tried to make so many excuses for him but it had piled up so much that I couldn’t take it anymore. I signed my name on the highlighted lines and my signature, taking my own copy. I was going to be Nilah Mariel again, erasing three years of being Mrs. Lawinston like it never happened.

Marcus stared at the paper in disappointment like he had wanted me to beg, cry to stay, prove to him that I wasn’t with him, and cling to him as my life depended on it

“I’ll make sure your bookstore remains and you’re financially taken care of…”

“Keep your darn money.” I gritted my teeth before he could complete his words. “Go be with her so I won’t be a hindrance in your life.”

I grabbed my purse that I had kept not too far from me like I had seen this coming. I made my way towards the door, and he didn’t move an inch but watched me make my way out.

Goodbye Marcus, I hope she’s worth destroying what we had.