I didn't realise how creepy this place was until about five minutes after the Tree Bear vanished.It went from mystical to ominous real quick,the 'plop plop' starting to sound eerie and menacing.By then I had walked no more than fifty feet in the powdery,all encompassing fog and despite my rising apprehension the towering Freia ( funny how I remembered that but not Tree Bear's name) were really starting to look appetizing.They were growing fairly close together and there was one about two feet in front of me that I couldn't stop staring at.The chocolate-and I'm a hundred per cent sure it is now-was oozing and flowing, undulating in this mesmerizing,almost seductive way and I couldn't tear my gaze from it.I know Tree Bear man warned me against touching the stuff but I can't imagine why.
I was alone.
Who would know? Plus I really needed a sugar rush.I looked up at the towering,beautiful mass of brown goodness and reached out to touch.I had one second to process the thick,creamy texture before I was yanked forcefully back by the scruff of my gown.
Tree Bear.
"You blockheaded dunderwhelp! Disobedient fool! Did you not hear what I said? A chit like you wouldn't last a second in the goal chamber.Curse Glob for this assignment!" His eyes were wide and glinting,his plump cheeks puffing in an out,his snout quivering.His body looked ready to burst with trapped tension.Dude sure had a temper,he was absolutely livid.
And ofcourse all my brain could send to my mouth was "Isn't it dunderhead and not dunderwhelp?"
His little beady eyes went frog like and bulging.
"That's what you heard?!" His yelling brought my hands up to protect my eardrums.I glared at him."This is alot to process and I haven't understood a word you've said since you opened your hairy mouth! Quit hollering at me and start speaking English!"
"Am I speaking a dialect unknown to you? The switch to your tongue is usually instantaneous but if you cannot decipher what I say then-" My eardrums were safe-for the moment-so I threw my hands up in frustration and cut him off.
"I get the words,you moron,but not what they mean! You haul me into this weird creepy place with no explanation and expect me to follow you! Who follows a mind reading Tree Bear! For all I know you're taking me to your den of Tree Bears to spear me like a kebab and slow roast me over a bonfire while singing 'kum-bah-yah'!" I'm pacing back and forth infront of him,my arms gesticulating while he stands with his Moses rod and stares at me.
"I am Ulrik the Finder,not Tree Bear" I stop pacing,look at his slightly confused face and slap my forehead with my palm.I sigh and massage my temples,pacing once again."Let's try this again-what exactly do you 'find'?"
His eyes follow me but he is absolutely still as he speaks."Not what,but whom.I am tasked with seeking and recruiting any being from your realm who possesses a gift of Glob.Upon the awakening of your abilities this morn I became aware of your location and was able to extract you before Gargol was able to detect you.Come to think of it," He tilted his shaggy head,his eyes widening imperceptibly with this new realisation, "you are indebted to me for that act alone human!" My glare was out again in full force."Well excuse me for not falling down and prostrating myself before you while I sing you praises and kiss your big hairy feet,but I've been almost suffocated to death by my room, levitated like Jean Grey and thrown into some freaky weird alternate dimension all in less than half an hour! I haven't even had my coke yet!"
"I will never understand why you homosapiens," who the sourkraut says that??? "insist on stuffing your rather fragile bodies with harmful addictive substances.What are they called? Drugs?" He shook his head at this,"incredibly asinine if you ask me".
Smack.Ouch,darn it facepalms hurt."Not cocaine! Coke!" His brows knit and as he's raising a sanctimonious finger to interject I clarify.
"Coca-Cola! You know,the heavenly fizzy happiness in a bottle?" Even I can feel the lovesick glaze begining to cover my eyes as I continue."The sweet, beautiful life giving energy booster that makes the world a better place" Okay maybe that was a bit much but bloody hell I haven't gone ten minutes after waking up without a cold crisp coca-cola in like.....man in like forever really. Maybe I am sort of a junkie.....
"Most certainly you are.If I am remembering the information correctly,that beverage contains an abhorrent amount of sugar and caffeine,both of which are highly addictive.How typically human of you.You are all so weak."
His mouth turns down in a disapproving frown and judgement is all but rolling off him.I put a couple daggers in my glare and aim it at him.
"Stay out of my head! And we're off topic,Ulrik of,wait where am I again?"
"The land of Opa" He says it reverently with open arms.Solemn look in his eyes.I look him up and down.
Theatrical much? "And where do you want to take me?"
"We must travel to Aorta to meet with the others before nightfall.It is a full day's journey and your lollygagging is costing us valuable time".
I put my hand up and pat the air,scrunch up my face,squint through my eye lids."Wait,hold up,aorta as in heart,artery aorta?"
His turn to squint now."If you know of Aorta why are you so befuddled?"
I roll my eyes and throw up my arms again.This conversation is becoming a real pain in the caboose."It's in the dictionary! They babble about it in my biology lecture,I know the English definition but not what it means here in never weirder land!"
"It is where all Globites meet,in the town of Cardoza.Our headquarters,if you may.Now come,we must leave."
Before I can object,he grabs me by my arm and we fall into a deep dark abyss that opened up under his feet.Yup,back into shock I go.
Ulrik released my arm as soon as we fell through so I was once again flailing,except this time it felt like I was falling in space.It was inky black,with a depth that was perceived more than seen.Eerily,I could see my arms,legs and clothes clear as day,though all around me was completely black.It felt infinite and....final,as if I had just died and was sentenced to float around in this darkness forever.Until I turned my head to the right and saw Mr.Big Hairy Pompous Bear Man smiling at me."Afraid of the dark Judah?"A little."Where the raspberry are we?" I'm falling timelessly and so is he.My hair is straight up above me,his incongruous bark-skin is glowing softly.Im freaking out and he's smiling at me with his long,obnoxiously white incisors glinting in the unseen light."This is The Deep.I am able to channel us through this realm to a place closer to Aorta.I cannot do this for more than four minutes or my life force will begin to ebb.If you had not wasted so much t
My destiny was really looking up.Or rather down.In my belly.My eyes were still somewhere at the back of my head when they rolled there in sheer unadulterated pleasure from the swipe of Freia chocolate I stole.I gaped at my surroundings as Ulrik spoke."Not so long ago, Gargol reigned supreme in Opa,"Is that a bushel of...cinnamon rolls? And hot cross buns on-gasp-candy cane stems? Is that a whipped cream dandelion??"He was cruel,selfish and crazed with his own power.The people of Opa were quite literally taxed for walking on the street,for using the restroom.They could barely afford the meager supply of food that trickled out from behind the walls of his castle." I stopped ogling a croissant tree for a split second,"sounds like a right bastard," back to ogling while he continues,voice grim as we walk along the path."Indeed,that he was.Glob waited for ten bitter years,honing his skills, incessantly practicing his
My eyes widened, almost taking over my entire face as I paddled and kicked the air.My hand brushed against a Freia and my vocal cords sprang into action."Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" I turned and flailed.Screamed and clawed at nothingness.Im not sure why I bothered since my body refused to obey me and kept right on rising."ULRIK!!" At this point I'm pinwheeling,still screaming,and getting more frantic by the second.I do a breast stroke in the air.A butterfly.Jumping jacks. Uncoordinated flapping around(thank God I'd put some tights on the night before).Nothing worked. "Judah,get down this istant." I barely heard him over my wildly beating heart and my rapid,short burst screaming."Don't you think I'm trying?!" I started to swim through the air,looked down and realised that my momentum was taking me off the path and steering me towards some-thankfully-normal looking pine trees.I also noticed a certain Tree Bear looking extremely annoyed and very inconvenienced walking beneath me."You need to quiet
Thwack,woosh,swat.That was the rhythm we walked to.Ukrik's big rod (really need to start phrasing this better so I don't sound like a perv) slapped a low hanging branch out of the way,-thwack-swept lower to part the long grass,-woosh-and I was constantly swatting at some very blood thirsty insects that kept nipping at my exposed skin.I'm beginning to regret ever wishing for the normal and familiar.Give me Godis any day.Throughout my scratching and grumbled curses,Ulrik told his tale."Glob knew that his victory would never be permanent unless he put other measures in place.To maintain dominion,he had to venture out of this realm and into yours.""I don't get it,why couldn't he just work his voodoo magic on his own people?"He grunted with his next thwack,forcing me to hop over the branch that fell.Which caused me to bump into his granite back and pretty much break my face."Holy pineapple on a stic
I hate snakes.In my brain they represent the epitome of evil.Satan himself was once a snake.They creep me all the way out,so it's safe to say I did a full on Usain Bolt transformation.At least in my head I did.In reality I'm not exactly athletic since my favorite past time is sitting in bed eating nutella and binge watching netflix.Constantly glancing back at them slithering relentlessly towards me didn't help either but I felt like little mouse prey and these things were enormous, looking like they vacationed in Hell.Ulrik, meanwhile has his staff in the air,swirling it around as if he's mixing lemonade and doing a weird jig."Is this really the time to cut loose?!" I asked incredulously.What on earth is he doing? These things can probably swallow me whole and consider me an appetizer.Ulrik might break a few teeth though so I can picture that before I'm completely digested.Wait,do snakes even have teeth?Ulrik ignores me and conti
Deep breath Judah.You've kicked Keanu's ass a bunch of times.Of course,to be fair,those were mainly pillow fights and paint ball battles but still.I do a mental shrug.Roll my shoulders.I try to crack the bones in my neck too but I think they're too lubricated from the grease of all the fried crap I eat so that's a fail.Back to my internal pep talk.You can do this.You've got this Judah.I've got about ten minutes to repent of my sins is what I've got.My heart accelerates,it's frantic beat echoing in my head and my breathing gets heavy.Ah man,I don't want to die.I can feel myself start to sweat.Wait,nope,aiming for a badass transformation here.If I can become Usain Bolt then Jean Grey shouldn't be too much of a stretch right? I close my eyes and focus on my breathing.I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face,the gentle sway of the flowers brushing against my nightgown.Beneath me the ground trembles and in the distance my ears pick
My dark hair streamed out behind me and my feet threaten to tangle together as I run and examine my luminous limbs at the same time,giggling and sputtering like someone high on marijuana."Ulrik I'm glowing! I feel like a night light or something!"I finally catch up and fall into step beside him.That is,I try to,since one of his strides is about three of mine.I might as well still be running."You humans aren't very smart are you? I'm very aware of that fact,which is why I pointed it out to you," he remarked derisively and shakes his head slowly from side to side.I lift my hands and examine them scant inches from my face.They shimmer gold and I fight the urge to 'ooh and aah' like some brainless kid seeing his first magic trick."No need to be snarky.""You make it terribly easy.""I think you're just mean"At this he snorts.
Ulrik's arm was a band of iron keeping me anchored to his shoulder.I felt like a corpse- hollow and lifeless.I watched the fathomless dark cyclone inhale what was once a picturesque meadow and I felt empty inside.Till all that emptiness was crammed with unadulterated terror when I remembered it was about to inhale me too.Ulrik ignored my tiny,fretful whimpers and ran like his life depended on it.Which it did.He powered on as if the hounds from hell were snapping at his heels.Looked more like the toothless green mouth of hell,but close enough.His feet ate up the distance and I'm sure even Bolt would have a hard time keeping up with him.One second I was imagining being torn limb from limb inside the mouth of death coming for us and the next I was thrown into a steel wall.The back of my head bounced painfully off of it and my back felt like someone had hit me with a baseball bat."What the vagina U