Ulrik released my arm as soon as we fell through so I was once again flailing,except this time it felt like I was falling in space.It was inky black,with a depth that was perceived more than seen.Eerily,I could see my arms,legs and clothes clear as day,though all around me was completely black.It felt infinite and....final,as if I had just died and was sentenced to float around in this darkness forever.Until I turned my head to the right and saw Mr.Big Hairy Pompous Bear Man smiling at me."Afraid of the dark Judah?"
A little."Where the raspberry are we?" I'm falling timelessly and so is he.My hair is straight up above me,his incongruous bark-skin is glowing softly.Im freaking out and he's smiling at me with his long,obnoxiously white incisors glinting in the unseen light."This is The Deep.I am able to channel us through this realm to a place closer to Aorta.I cannot do this for more than four minutes or my life force will begin to ebb.If you had not wasted so much time I would not have needed to take this unnecessary risk." There's a slight growl in his voice.I pretend to be oblivious and start to rotate my feet slowly and extended my arms,like I'm on a unicycle.Might as well get with the program."What's the big hurry anyway?" I blink and he's right in my face."You touched the Freia! And now Gargol knows you're here! Before we just needed to cross the border undetected but now he knows you've arrived and will send the Noir after you." I look into his angry dark eyes and I know my face has gone completely blank.My brain is detecting nothing but gibberish again.He huffs away to my right and folds his hands, staring into the nothingness.I notice that his legs have disappeared and I can only see his feet.I blink a couple times.Close my eyes and open them.Blink some more.
Close.Open.
Finally,I detect a different shade of black where his legs ought to be,barely perceptible but there.His pants must automatically blend into his surroundings.I want to ask about them but we've got more pressing matters to address."So I'm guessing Gargol is the evil villain in this fairy tale?" He looks at me."Gargol is the last remaining member of the Foncé,the sovereign rulers of Nazir."I was getting dizzy from all these archaic names."Nazir? That's where we were just now?" "Yes,that is Noir and Gargol's domain.It is the only portion of land he governs after the Great War.Glob could only weaken his stronghold as his dominance was too great.He assassinated his entire family to inherit their power and now he strives to conquer all of Opa." This Gargol sounds like a real psychopath.A real 'Mad Hatter'/'Joker' kinda guy.I'm struck by just how unbelievable this all is.Here I am,caught inexplicably in this real life Disney movie.I pinch myself again just to make sure I'm definitely not dreaming."Hsssst!" He narrows his eyes and looks at me like I've grown horns.Ha,like I'm the weird one in this whole mess.I start to giggle and his face tells me he thinks I'm losing it.Dont worry bub, we're on the same page."You find the fate of Opa humorous?"
I choose not to answer that.
"What does your 'war between good and evil' have to do with me?" Before he could answer,all around us exploded with white light and I crumple into....crushed oreos? What was it with this place and chocolate? I fisted my hands into the Oreo soil,brought them to my nose,closed my eyes and inhaled.I felt the smile that split my face all the way to my bones.
"Aherm"
I also felt it fall and shatter.Leave it to him to pop my bubble."If you're done sniffing the dirt,shall we go?" I opened my eyes and mouth to deliver a scathing retort but was struck dumb.I fell back on my haunches and just stared. Directly in front of me the path meandered into groups of.....green cotton candy? These were dotted with what looked to be red and green round mint balls.We seemed to be in a valley of some sort filled with multi-colored bushes of fluff and candy.Flowers that were tootsie rolls and licorice,Skittles and M&Ms were everywhere.A few Freia were sprinkled throughout the clearing and weird popcorn looking insects flitted among the 'blooms'.The sky was deep orange,pink and purple,the light bright and brilliant.I was completely awe struck.My mouth hung on it's hinges when a real,live tiny gummy bear darted between the bushes and a sour worm climbed up a licorice stalk."What is this place?" The words came out in a reverent whisper while my head slowly spun like the lazy blades of a windmill.What I would do for my cell phone."We are in the outermost parts of Godis.Now you may partake of what pleases you for Glob is a magnanimous King and takes pleasure in the joy of his people."I stopped hearing after 'Now you may partake'.My mouth was full of heaven and I was pretty sure I was going to hell for eating something so sinfully delicious.My eyes rolled back in my head and some very scandalous moans errupted from my throat.Ulrik was yabbering on but no way could he diminish my foodgasm.Oh man,forget coke,just drown me in Godis Oreos."What a peculiar creature.Are you so starved that you must eat the bitter dirt? Have you no food in your domain?"
"Rawr rou khiddin mhe wright row?" I try to speak with a mouthful of ecstacy. I put up a finger,finish chewing and swallow."These are the best Oreos I've ever had and you call it dirt?" He shrugs his big shoulders."All of Godis is edible but for the dirt.It is bitter"
"Y'all must have really jacked up tastebuds" I grab another fistful as I stand.Fill my mouth with decadence again.
Oh yeah,that's it right there.
Sugar craving successfully abated.I turn in a slow circle,see a glossily dripping Freia at the edge of the path infront of me and walk towards it.Ulrik is behind me,still talking.I tune in at "....finally we can begin making preparations for war and.." I turned around so fast my hair flew into my face and wrapped itself around my tongue."You mean there really is a war?" The look he gives me is annoyingly deadpan."I grow weary of this constant reiteration.Have you not heard all I have said?" He folds his massive arms and gives me a look of exasperation.I roll my eyes.Grumpy old troll."Well excuse me if I have a hard time choking this stuff down," I wave an arm to encompass the land of instant diabetes."This is all pretty extraordinary,ok so just bear with me here." He loosens his hands and his unyielding face yields a bit."You seemed to 'choke down' Godis dirt well enough," he says to me as I lick my fingers.
"Stay out of my head!" I punch him in the arm and all but break every bone in my hand.I flash my fingers and try to flex them,meanwhile he passes me and continues ahead,but not before I see the satisfied smirk on his face.I stick out my tounge behind his back while I shake out my screaming appendage.Jouvenile,I know but damn that hurt.
"Wait up you big oaf," He doesn't slow his stride and I have to jog to catch up to him."You never answered me before,what do I have to do with all this?" We walk side by side in the gorgeous pink and orange tinged light,among delicious cavity makers,on yummy crushed Oreos as he explains to me my destiny.
My destiny was really looking up.Or rather down.In my belly.My eyes were still somewhere at the back of my head when they rolled there in sheer unadulterated pleasure from the swipe of Freia chocolate I stole.I gaped at my surroundings as Ulrik spoke."Not so long ago, Gargol reigned supreme in Opa,"Is that a bushel of...cinnamon rolls? And hot cross buns on-gasp-candy cane stems? Is that a whipped cream dandelion??"He was cruel,selfish and crazed with his own power.The people of Opa were quite literally taxed for walking on the street,for using the restroom.They could barely afford the meager supply of food that trickled out from behind the walls of his castle." I stopped ogling a croissant tree for a split second,"sounds like a right bastard," back to ogling while he continues,voice grim as we walk along the path."Indeed,that he was.Glob waited for ten bitter years,honing his skills, incessantly practicing his
My eyes widened, almost taking over my entire face as I paddled and kicked the air.My hand brushed against a Freia and my vocal cords sprang into action."Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" I turned and flailed.Screamed and clawed at nothingness.Im not sure why I bothered since my body refused to obey me and kept right on rising."ULRIK!!" At this point I'm pinwheeling,still screaming,and getting more frantic by the second.I do a breast stroke in the air.A butterfly.Jumping jacks. Uncoordinated flapping around(thank God I'd put some tights on the night before).Nothing worked. "Judah,get down this istant." I barely heard him over my wildly beating heart and my rapid,short burst screaming."Don't you think I'm trying?!" I started to swim through the air,looked down and realised that my momentum was taking me off the path and steering me towards some-thankfully-normal looking pine trees.I also noticed a certain Tree Bear looking extremely annoyed and very inconvenienced walking beneath me."You need to quiet
Thwack,woosh,swat.That was the rhythm we walked to.Ukrik's big rod (really need to start phrasing this better so I don't sound like a perv) slapped a low hanging branch out of the way,-thwack-swept lower to part the long grass,-woosh-and I was constantly swatting at some very blood thirsty insects that kept nipping at my exposed skin.I'm beginning to regret ever wishing for the normal and familiar.Give me Godis any day.Throughout my scratching and grumbled curses,Ulrik told his tale."Glob knew that his victory would never be permanent unless he put other measures in place.To maintain dominion,he had to venture out of this realm and into yours.""I don't get it,why couldn't he just work his voodoo magic on his own people?"He grunted with his next thwack,forcing me to hop over the branch that fell.Which caused me to bump into his granite back and pretty much break my face."Holy pineapple on a stic
I hate snakes.In my brain they represent the epitome of evil.Satan himself was once a snake.They creep me all the way out,so it's safe to say I did a full on Usain Bolt transformation.At least in my head I did.In reality I'm not exactly athletic since my favorite past time is sitting in bed eating nutella and binge watching netflix.Constantly glancing back at them slithering relentlessly towards me didn't help either but I felt like little mouse prey and these things were enormous, looking like they vacationed in Hell.Ulrik, meanwhile has his staff in the air,swirling it around as if he's mixing lemonade and doing a weird jig."Is this really the time to cut loose?!" I asked incredulously.What on earth is he doing? These things can probably swallow me whole and consider me an appetizer.Ulrik might break a few teeth though so I can picture that before I'm completely digested.Wait,do snakes even have teeth?Ulrik ignores me and conti
Deep breath Judah.You've kicked Keanu's ass a bunch of times.Of course,to be fair,those were mainly pillow fights and paint ball battles but still.I do a mental shrug.Roll my shoulders.I try to crack the bones in my neck too but I think they're too lubricated from the grease of all the fried crap I eat so that's a fail.Back to my internal pep talk.You can do this.You've got this Judah.I've got about ten minutes to repent of my sins is what I've got.My heart accelerates,it's frantic beat echoing in my head and my breathing gets heavy.Ah man,I don't want to die.I can feel myself start to sweat.Wait,nope,aiming for a badass transformation here.If I can become Usain Bolt then Jean Grey shouldn't be too much of a stretch right? I close my eyes and focus on my breathing.I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face,the gentle sway of the flowers brushing against my nightgown.Beneath me the ground trembles and in the distance my ears pick
My dark hair streamed out behind me and my feet threaten to tangle together as I run and examine my luminous limbs at the same time,giggling and sputtering like someone high on marijuana."Ulrik I'm glowing! I feel like a night light or something!"I finally catch up and fall into step beside him.That is,I try to,since one of his strides is about three of mine.I might as well still be running."You humans aren't very smart are you? I'm very aware of that fact,which is why I pointed it out to you," he remarked derisively and shakes his head slowly from side to side.I lift my hands and examine them scant inches from my face.They shimmer gold and I fight the urge to 'ooh and aah' like some brainless kid seeing his first magic trick."No need to be snarky.""You make it terribly easy.""I think you're just mean"At this he snorts.
Ulrik's arm was a band of iron keeping me anchored to his shoulder.I felt like a corpse- hollow and lifeless.I watched the fathomless dark cyclone inhale what was once a picturesque meadow and I felt empty inside.Till all that emptiness was crammed with unadulterated terror when I remembered it was about to inhale me too.Ulrik ignored my tiny,fretful whimpers and ran like his life depended on it.Which it did.He powered on as if the hounds from hell were snapping at his heels.Looked more like the toothless green mouth of hell,but close enough.His feet ate up the distance and I'm sure even Bolt would have a hard time keeping up with him.One second I was imagining being torn limb from limb inside the mouth of death coming for us and the next I was thrown into a steel wall.The back of my head bounced painfully off of it and my back felt like someone had hit me with a baseball bat."What the vagina U
After a minute,my hilarity subsided into chuckles and the occasional snort.I brushed my hands off ,rose and dusted my very bruised rump,then turned and took stock of the new terrain.We seemed to be on a slightly weed choked gravel pathway at the foot of a small hill.A small burgundy hill with green foliage.To my credit I snapped my mouth shut before I started to attract flies.A soft breeze brought with it the smell of the sea and I surmised that the ocean was on the other side.I lifted my face to the sky and was almost disappointed to see mundane blue and white with the blinding golden circle that was the sun. Ulrik was a couple steps ahead of me and I ran my hands over the plants and bushes that were all in various shades of green as I caught up.I couldn't wrap my mind around magenta looking dirt and green flowers."This is so freaky."Ulrik followed the meandering path and ignored me."Where are