Forget Me Not

"You're late, she is gone."

Lang ang nasabi ni Kris nung dinatnan ko sila sa rest house. He was in tears, wala ni isang salita pa ang lumabas sa bibig nya after he told me so. The air shouts melancholic. I couldn't help myself either, hindi ko maipaliwanag ang sakit na nararamdaman ko, when I saw the lifeless woman…

"Shazahna?"

Para bang sandaling tumigil ang mundo ko.

The girl Kris referred to was the same girl na kasama ko sa altar kahapon. Suddenly, I do not know what to do. Para bang biglang nagka ugat ang aking mga paa, pati ang buo kong katawan, tila namanhid na. I mentally passed out, the reality is just too much to bear.

I want to get a hold of her, embrace her with all the warmth in me. But I feel so weak at this moment, hindi ko man lang kayang lumapit sa kanya.

Hindi ko na mapigilan pa ang sarili ko sa sakit, kirot, at pighati.

I felt a strong urge to release the madness forming inside me. No! I'm not mad at anyone. Hindi ako galit but then, my hand formed a fist already.

Walang pakialam kong pinag susuntok at sinipa ang pader na pinaka malapit sa akin. I feel like a shit! I'm just so... I just wanted to bent all the anger within my body. I did it hanggang sa mawala na lahat, pero wala eh... ganun pa rin. I painstakingly continued punching the stone wall as if my hand cannot feel the pain.

No, it never happened.

My own blood dripped down the wall endlessly, I didn't care. I grasped for air as I look at her again.

Is she dead??? Please not!!!

"Bakit ka nandito? I thought you left" sabi ulit ni Kris.

As if I heard Satan speaking, my blood felt boiling hot again! But the best thing I should do is to be calm because partly

He was right.

"And why you'd think I left? Tingin mo ba talaga iniwan ko sya?!? Huh!?" I replied. Hindi ko alam pero parang gusto kong suntukin ang lalakeng toh, but I wont give in.

"At bakit hindi!? Sabihin mo bakit hindi ko iisiping iniwan mo sya after everything she went through because of you!!! You of all people!?! Jeff, anong ginawa mo?! Minahal ka nya! Mahal ka nya!! At ikaw ang pinili nya!!!... Pero tama bang gawin mo yun sa kanya ha??" galit na galit na banat ni Kris sa akin.

There was this unbearable moment of silence between us until he spoke with his tears flowing once again.

"I let her go because you told me you love her Jeff... and Shazahna? She said she loves you too. How can I still keep her when I know you two belonged to each other? Hahadlang ba 'ko? But shit!!! Sinaktan mo sya Jeff!! Nagpaubaya ako para sayo! Para maging masaya sya... Na kahit na alam kong masaktan ako, okay lang kase alam kong may magmamahal sa kanya ng higit pa sa kaya ko lang ibigay! You get that Jeff?... Now tell me. You, a shitty shit. With a shitty life, full of senseless shits! Deserved her?! No!! you never did and never will. Hows that??"

Parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig sa mga narinig ko. Wala na akong masabi, napayuko na lamang akong napapikit ang mata habang sa isip ko, nakikita ko ang masayang mga ngiti ng babaeng pinaka mamahal ko, Si Shazahna, na naglalakad papalapit sa akin... Dammit! Anong ginawa ko!! Oh shit!

Nangako akong hindi ko sya iiwan, but things went wrong, I never expected such things to happen, and I couldn't control everything anymore.

God knows how much I loved her.

I swear but anong ginawa ko? I never knew I left her alone. Mag-isa at malungkot. Maybe its too late for me to explain pero hindi ko namalayan at wala akong alam. I was caught in between.

At siguro nga tama si Kris. An undeserving shitty shit, with a messy shitty life, and freaking full of shit.