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Funeral for My Living Wife
Funeral for My Living Wife
Author: Toad Puncher

Chapter 1

Author: Toad Puncher
"I'm filing Nancy's death certificate."

"You're done looking?" my friend asked, voice low through the phone.

I stared at Nancy, curled up in Finley's arms. My throat tightened. "She can't be found."

What's the point of finding someone who wants to disappear?

I hung up and headed back to the booth.

Hugh—my ride-or-die since forever—clocked the look on my face and handed me a drink.

"Nancy's been gone three months. There's no way she made it. You gotta let her go."

I stared at the glass, then knocked it back. The burn stung my eyes.

I cleared my throat. "You think someone would ever fake their disappearance just to mess with their husband?"

He shot me a glare. "That's messed up. Anyone who'd pull that crap? Dead to me."

I wiped my eyes, grabbed my coat.

"You're right. Time to let her go." Then I walked out and headed home.

The house was dead quiet. It always was—but for the last three months, that silence hit different. Every night, I'd flip on all the lights, make Nancy's favorite coffee, set out her favorite fruit. Like she'd just walk through the door.

But if she didn't want me, why not just get a divorce? Why stage a fake ski accident and vanish?

I sank onto the couch and picked up the little figurines of us from the coffee table.

Back then, she'd leaned against me, laughing. "If I'm ever not around, let these two keep you company."

Her voice from the bar crashed into the memory.

"Jensen wasn't so bad before. But after we got married, he got annoying. Wouldn't let me drink, wouldn't let me eat junk food, always hovering. He drove me nuts. Faking my death? Consider it a lesson."

Finley topped off her drink. "Aren't I the best? All these years, and I've never treated you like that."

"Yeah, yeah, best guy friend."

They kept tossing the word 'friend' around, but their legs were tangled under the table.

The memory made me want to puke.

I chucked the figurines in the trash, grabbed my phone, and blasted out a group text.

[Nancy Valente passed away in an accident three months ago. Funeral's next week.]

Yeah—no body, just the funeral.

The replies came in fast:

[You didn't even find her body. How can you hold a funeral?]

[Jensen Johnston, are you seriously losing it? What if she's not dead?]

[If Nancy shows up and sees her own funeral, she's gonna flip. You sure you wanna piss her off like that?]

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  • Funeral for My Living Wife   Chapter 11

    Nancy shot up, screaming, "What do you mean, your boyfriend?! Jensen's my husband! Aunt Vienna—seriously? You're my aunt!"Vienna looked at her with a smirk. "You were a foster kid. My family kicked you out. Or did you forget?"Nancy scrambled up and lunged, fingers curled like claws, aiming for Vienna's face.I stepped in fast to block her. Vienna gasped, going pale.Nancy's nails stopped inches from me."Jensen! Who said you could get in my way? You really like her that much?"Vienna was ready to explode, but I shot her a look. "I got this."She held herself back.I glanced toward the corner. "You can come out now."Finley stepped out, tears streaking his face, staring at Nancy like she was a bad memory."Nancy," I said, voice like ice, "do you enjoy wrecking the people who actually gave a damn about you?"You like watching us fall apart?"If Finley hadn't begged me, I wouldn't have come—dead or not."Her face twisted. Lips trembling. "He begged you? So you didn't even c

  • Funeral for My Living Wife   Chapter 10

    I nodded and took her hand. "Three-month trial. Whether it goes permanent depends on your performance."Vienna lit up. "Since we're off the clock, let's hit seafood again. This time—grilled lobster."After four years of going without, I was hooked. If I didn't get my fix every few days, something felt off.Vienna had been tagging along the whole time, never once complaining.Every time, she'd find a new place to try.Today was no different."I found another killer spot. Let's go."But just as we stepped out of the office, someone dropped in front of me."Jensen, please! You have to help me find Nancy! She's been missing for three days—I can't find her!"It was Finley. Bloodshot eyes, begging nonstop.I frowned, stepping back. "Enough. Just tell me what happened."He looked wrecked—completely unglued."She wanted to go skiing. I couldn't talk her out of it, so I went too. But she vanished again—same spot she faked it last time. I've been searching for three days. Nothing. I'

  • Funeral for My Living Wife   Chapter 9

    But before I could, Nancy threw herself into my arms."Jensen, I know I messed up! There's nothing going on with Finley! I swear I'll stay away from him—just give me one more chance!"She locked onto my waist, gripping tight no matter how hard I tried to peel her off.Then a voice cut through the mess."Nancy, I told you—keep harassing Jensen, and my family's done backing you."Vienna.Nancy let go instantly."Aunt Vienna, this is between me and my husband."I laughed. Couldn't help it. Total disbelief. "Between us? Nancy, whose bright idea was it to fake your own disappearance? Don't tell me that was all you—do you even have the brains for that?"All you do is get played by Finley."He takes you out—he's your 'CLOSE FRIEND', your 'GUY BESTIE.' You drink with him—still 'bestie.' You two lie to me—'bestie.' Even sleep with him, and somehow, still your 'bestie.'"Tell me, is that what all your besties do?"A flicker of guilt crossed Nancy's face.She knew she was in the wron

  • Funeral for My Living Wife   Chapter 8

    We were going to be working together, so dinner didn't seem like a big deal.She took us to a place called Amo Seafood.I froze for a second at the sign.Vienna stepped up beside me. "What's with the stare? Aren't you into seafood?""Haven't had any in four years..."Four years with Nancy. She hated seafood—used to gag or get all dramatic if someone ate it near her—so I just quit it altogether."I haven't had any in four years..."Vienna laughed, tugging my arm. "Then let's celebrate your divorce with something you've been missing."I laughed too and went all in—ordered the biggest Italian seafood stew on the menu.Over dinner, we ironed out the details of our deal.Surprisingly chill night. No drama, just good food and solid plans.By the time we wrapped up, it was already dark.Vienna insisted on driving me home.But as we pulled up, I froze.Nancy was crouched outside the door, shivering. Eyes wide, hopeful."Jensen, you're back!"***I raised an eyebrow. No clue wh

  • Funeral for My Living Wife   Chapter 7

    Finley wouldn't leave. Clung to Nancy.Didn't matter. I got in Vienna's car and headed straight to Vital Records.The clerk looked up, all smiles. "What brings you in today?""Found Nancy Valente. Need her death certificate reversed.""Knew you'd find her. Congrats!"I just nodded.***As we stepped out, Nancy called after me."Jensen, I really do love you. That night at Finley's, I was drunk. I thought he was you..."I didn't even flinch. "Save it."***After finalizing the divorce at the courthouse, I stepped out alone, headed for a cab.Vienna pulled up. "Need a ride?"I glanced over. "I'm divorced now."She raised a brow. "And?""We barely knew each other. Let's keep it that way."She slid her shades down, eyes sharp and unreadable.She had that dangerous kind of beauty—like she already knew how the game ended and you were just catching up."Jensen, I helped you get divorced. Try not to be a jerk about it."I watched her, still not sure.She shrugged. "Chill. It

  • Funeral for My Living Wife   Chapter 6

    "If you want that death record reversed, you'll need me to file it," I said, handing her the divorce papers. "You've got two options. Sign it, and you're legally back. Don't—and you stay dead."Nancy's breathing went sharp. She snatched the papers, flipped straight to the asset split—then chucked them on the floor."Why should I walk away with nothing?"***Her face turned beet red, eyes wild, expression twisted.Back then, her rage would've shut me down. Now? All I could think was: all bark, no bite.She was out of moves and still thought she could scare me.I smirked. "Because you're legally dead. And because you cheated."She shot me a glare, then laughed—cold and smug. "I didn't cheat. I just spent the night with my friend. Nothing happened."Our eyes locked. She looked way too proud of herself."Jensen, if I were you, I'd admit I messed up and promise it won't happen again. Apologize, and we can fix this. I'll even cut off Finley."I pressed my lips together, stunned.

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