The way I feel

The brightness of the weather was cool and foggy; the sky had a greyish turquoise tint, like the silt in the buckwheat straw of a wagon. Snow had fallen during the night, and its warm damp was now sticking to the seams of the sea. Not a breath of wind stirred the quiet air. It was very still, but a draft would blow across the street and make a little flurry of feet on the sidewalk.

Completely forgetting about the people who brought me to the beach, I slowly walked around the dense pine trees on the western side of the street, taking stock of the quiet street, my gaze still fixed on him, until I saw him sitting alone, across the narrow gap of a building, with a newspaper spread on his laps. Walking closer to him, I made sure my gaze was planted on his face, hoping not to miss a single moment of him. 

As I walked closer, he pulled up his shirttail to get some of the air out of his shirt. I had a hunch. His head did not look at me, not even for a few seconds. But suddenly, he got up and went inside the building, at the entrance to the alleyway, with his face set and his arms folded over his chest. And in a flash, without looking, he left the alleyway, strolling through, in-between like a king going for battle. And in a blink, he came back, a blanket in his hands, and swiftly, he sat out, wrapping himself with it. 

"What could be going on with him?" I paused, as I observed him silently. My mind still running on the thought that he was actually not looking stable at all. But not a single sign of a crazy thought crossed my mind. My gaze was still firmly fixed on him, but I don't think I ever expected a clear answer to my question.

His piercing eyes met mine with a silent exchange of emotions. And for the next few minutes, he watched me from inside the blankets as I walked to him.

"Hey, Joey! Is this you..? I never knew I was going to meet you in person. I thought all that was just a dream!" I said, excitedly, grabbing the blanket as I unwrapped him gently.

"W- what's, w-who's that ?" He asked, hastily, as he tried to slide out of his blanket with a confused look on his face as he was looking at my face.

I was incredulous, trying to push the thoughts aside, taking a deep breath as I looked at him, taking a small breath in, and he took a few deep breaths too. Shocking as it was, It was an adorable little boy to behold.

"Oh my God! Please, I'm so so sorry... I didn't  know it was you! Please, I'm so sorry...!" I squealed in fright, holding my chest feeling so embarrassed. I looked down, still feeling weak from my heart attack, not knowing what to say. "How come I didn't see it wasn't Joey? What was I even thinking?" I looked down at him in disappointment, bringing my chin down to my chest as I wiggled my fingers in an attempt to help him cover up again. And suddenly, he was gone, and so was my guilt and shame. 

And in a twinkle, I found myself feeling a soft hand on my shoulder that wasn't a hand. I became so shocked when I looked up to find Melinda's warm, reassuring eyes as she touched me on the shoulder with a soft cup, catching my breath as the flash of that simple touch brought back my memories of how I felt just seconds ago. I stood up straight and turned to her. She handed me a cup of warm popcorn and her eyes looked so concerned.

"What's wrong, hon? What's wrong with you? I asked myself, pinching my cheek.

"You look like you just saw a ghost or something. Is everything alright with you, Cilia?" She asked, her voice filled with concern in her looks. "Come on girl... I and Sanny have been worried about you. You left with the hope of returning in a short while, but ended up taking too much time." She paused as she looked down and then slowly back up to me, pleading with me to talk. I reached out and put my hand on her shoulder and pulled her close. 

"Melinda.. I don't know what's happening... Everything has been a mess for me these past few days, and I just haven't been able to find my footing to return back to normal." Tears trickled down my cheeks, but I continued. "Everything is just starting to get so blurry to me right now. Don't let anything bother you, okay?"

"Come on Cilia... Your pain is my pain girl! Please calm down and relax your nerves; there's nothing wrong with you girl.. You're doing just fine!" Her words reassured me, yet, I didn't want to believe it. "You know what dear friend, you have to take a break; go out some more and be happy with your life for once! Jayson left you, doesn't mean your entire world is destroyed completely. You surely will find love again. Move on dear best friend..!" 

Melinda didn't seem to understand my plight from her statement. Well...

"I know... But it's not about Jason"

"Then who, Cilia?"

"I-I-I I thought-" I couldn't complete my statement for I felt no urge to say how I was feeling.

"I understand Cilia, please, calm down for me, okay..?"

Ultimately, I hoped that better days would come for me according to her words. A day that I would find true love and a happy life filled with other better things. A life with no worries. Melinda's soothing words gave warmth to my soul, and I couldn't help but smile at her warmly.

"You know you look more better when you smile, right?" Sanny said from behind me. When I heard the words of his soft voice, I lost control of my body, and broke down in tears. He walked over to me and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. Shivers ran down my spine instantly, just the same way I usually felt when Joey was doing the same to me in my dreams.