Gravity

Depression. It’s a word that everybody knows, yet people rarely discuss it. The word depression is like leprosy. If you don’t have it, you have no idea what it feels like to be in that deep, dark hole.

The best part of that deep, dark hole is the loneliness. You might find it odd that I say ‘the best part’ but it happens to be true. The loneliness is an escape in itself and that’s what makes it so dangerous.

Getting yourself out of that hole is one of the hardest things you’ll probably ever have to do in your lifetime. It’s worse than losing a loved one. Yes, it is. You might wake up and feel fine, nothing happens and suddenly you’re there.

That sinking feeling you can’t describe; nobody understands the extreme highs you feel and the extreme lows you sink to. It’s like a light switch. Nothing specific targets you, it’s just something that happens.

Wanting to die is not a new feeling when you’re in that hole. Wanting to end your suffering and be done with everybody and everything; it’s like coming up for air. It’s not something you can see and more of us suffer from it than we’d like to admit.

How do you keep on going when all the odds are against you? You feel suffocated and it’s not just tricking your mind into thinking you’re fine. You can do that and survive, for a while at least. The hardest choice when you’re there, is to choose yourself.

Somehow, I had gotten myself out of that hole. I did want to die, even though I loved my family very much. Climbing out of that hole, step by step, was an active choice. It had come down to me or them and I chose me. That choice is what saved me in the end. That was the real reason I had left. I had to save myself in order for them to survive me. It had been a choice that I would have to make again, sooner than I thought.

These choices that we make and sometimes don’t make, eventually lead you on a path of either complete destruction or infinite release. Whichever release you choose, well, that’s your choice, even if you don’t choose it.

Not making a choice is in itself also a choice. I had chosen to be the son Karani had raised me to be, the son Malachi had molded me into, the son that I should be. Little did I know that my life as I knew it would be filled with dread, disaster, a glint of happiness and that everything I had known up to that point, had been a lie.

I listened to “Fade To Black” by Metallica as I drove away from home. The song spoke to me. As I listened to the words I realized that I was lost within myself and I didn’t know what mattered anymore. Perhaps I had lost the will to live because I had nothing more to give. The road I had walked was not an easy one. I was nineteen and dead bodies littered the path of my life.

“Life seems to fade away, drifting further every day, getting lost within myself, nothing matters, no one else, I have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give, there is nothing more for me, I need the end to set me free.”

Have you ever just really listened to the words of that song? It shook me, deep down, where I had tried and failed to bury it all. Sometimes listening to someone else’s words can have such a profound effect on your soul that you’ll never forget how you felt in that moment.

I had so much pain inside my soul, so many regrets, that I struggled to cope with all these new emotions. The emotions swirling inside me weren’t mine and my own pain and regrets were mingled somewhere in there too.

It all came down to choices, the choice I hadn’t made was haunting me and slowly turning me into the villain. All I can say is that I’m sorry for the pain I caused. There are things that would haunt me until my dying day, but those are things I try to push down.

I had lost so much in such a short time, that I knew chaos was on the horizon. I had to do something to save the people I loved, even if it was to save them from me. Life didn’t always work out the way we planned, and I, for one, learned that the hard way.

My life had taken a turn for the worst and I hadn’t felt this kind of pain even when Sarah had died. Karani’s death and Malachi’s pain had completely drained me of my will to even breathe. The death of my brother, my twin and Malachi’s deeply hidden secret just proved too powerful. I needed to come up for air, but at the same time I didn’t know how.

So I did the only thing I could do to save everybody, including me. I left.

It was the best thing I could do. That choice also had consequences, ones I would later think about and regret, but my regret wasn’t leaving. I regretted not seeing it sooner, not being in time to save them.

I’d always carried my heart on my sleeve and this time my heart was ripped from my soul. I had to learn to live with my heart being shattered, but I had people depending on me, depending on my strength, that somehow, I just pushed through.

We all have immense strength inside us, we just need to use it. My strength came in the form of love, my emotions and my ability to focus on that love. It’s what saved me in the end. My strength was also my family and no matter what, keeping them safe, keeping them alive, that was my only goal.