chapter five

Chapter Five :Cole pov

I didn't sleep.

Not one hour. Not twenty minutes. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, replaying the feel of Jay's hand on my chest. The way his fingers pressed against my ribs. The way he whispered my name.

Tell me to stop.

I didn't.

Then why are you still touching me?

Because I couldn't breathe without him.

I got up at 5am. Paced my apartment. Drank coffee I didn't taste. By 7am, I was in the gym, sitting on the same bench, waiting.

He showed up at 7:15.

Same gray hoodie. Same worn sneakers. Dark circles under his eyes.

He hadn't slept either.

"You look terrible," I said.

"You look worse."

I almost smiled.

Jay walked past me to the treadmill. Didn't start it. Just stood there with his back to me.

"We shouldn't have done that last night," he said.

"Done what?"

"Almost —" He stopped. Shook his head. "You know what."

"We didn't do anything."

"Exactly." He turned around. "That's the problem. We didn't do anything, and I still feel like I cheated on her."

Maya.

The guilt hit me like a punch. My sister. The one person who trusted me.

"You're right," I said. "This has to stop."

Jay laughed. A bitter, broken sound. "You think I don't know that? You think I want to want you?"

The word want landed in my chest like a hook.

"Then why do you keep coming here?" I stood up. "Why did you come to the gym yesterday? Why did you touch me?"

"Because you looked at me like —" He pressed his palm to his forehead. "Forget it."

"Like what?"

Jay dropped his hand. His eyes were wet. "Like I was something worth looking at. No one's ever looked at me like that, Cole. Not once."

My heart cracked.

I walked toward him. Slow. One step at a time.

Jay didn't move backward.

"You should go," he said.

"You said that last night."

"Because you should."

"I don't want to."

We were three feet apart. Then two.

"Cole." His voice was shaking. "If you come any closer —"

"What?"

"I won't be able to stop."

I took the last step.

Our chests touched. I could feel his heartbeat through both our shirts. Fast. Wild.

"Then don't stop," I said.

Jay looked up at me. His brown eyes were dark. Scared. Hungry.

"You're going to ruin my life," he whispered.

"You're going to ruin mine first."

His hand came up. Touched my jaw. Calloused fingers against my skin.

I leaned into his palm.

"Tell me you don't feel this," I said. "Tell me, and I'll walk away. I'll never come near you again."

Jay's thumb traced my bottom lip.

"I can't," he said.

"Can't what?"

"Can't tell you that."

I kissed him.

It wasn't soft. It wasn't gentle. It was desperation and hunger and weeks of wanting and hating and lying to myself.

His mouth opened under mine. He tasted like coffee and something sweet. His hands grabbed my hoodie, pulled me closer, fisted the fabric like he was afraid I'd disappear.

I pushed him against the wall.

Jay made a sound

a small, broken gasp and I swallowed it.

My hands were everywhere. His waist. His back. The back of his neck. I couldn't touch enough of him. I wanted to crawl inside his skin.

He bit my bottom lip. Not hard. Just enough to make me groan.

"We should stop," he said against my mouth.

"Probably."

Neither of us stopped.

I kissed him harder. Slower. Deeper. I kissed him like I was trying to memorize the shape of his lips.

Jay's hands slid under my shirt. His fingers pressed against my lower back. Cold. Calloused. Perfect.

I broke the kiss. Rested my forehead against his.

We were both breathing like we'd just played three periods.

"That wasn't nothing," he said.

"No."

"That wasn't hate."

"I know."

Jay opened his eyes. "What happens now?"

I didn't have an answer.

I wanted to say we do it again. I wanted to say I've never felt like this before. I wanted to say I think I'm falling in love with you and it's destroying me.

Instead, I said, "I don't know."

Jay pushed me back. Not hard. Just enough to see my face.

"Cole." His voice was steady now. "I'm not going to be your secret. If we do this if we do anything else I need you to be sure. Because I can't lose Maya and then lose you too."

"You won't lose me."

"You don't know that."

"I know."

He stared at me. Searching my face for the lie.

There wasn't one.

"One more," he said.

"What?"

"One more kiss. Then I'm leaving. And we don't — we don't figure out the rest today. Okay?"

I nodded.

He pulled me back in.

This kiss was different. Slower. Sweeter. His hand cupped my cheek. My arm wrapped around his waist. We fit together like we'd been made for it.

When we finally pulled apart, both of us were shaking.

Jay stepped around me. Walked to the door.

"Tomorrow," he said. "Same time."

"Jay —"

He stopped. Didn't turn around.

"I meant what I said," I told him. "I'm not going to hurt you."

He looked over his shoulder. His lips were red. His eyes were wet.

"You already have," he said quietly. "But I don't care anymore."

Then he left.

I stood alone in the gym. The door clicked shut.

I touched my lips.

They were still warm.