Chapter 7

I felt a tingle of both happiness and melancholy. I knew that she was well-loved and cared for here, and that she was the source of sunshine in this family. There was a part of me that felt jealous—that Lucas and the kids had her, and that she had them. However, above all these feelings, guilt was the strongest. In the past four months that I’ve been watching this family I have never seen them as happy as I have seen them today. I shouldn’t be the one putting a smile on their faces. It should be her.

Thoughts flew in my head imagining her gracefully walking down the corridors in a white dress that always looked so good on her, complimenting her blue eyes and fair complexion; the epitome of immaculate beauty. I imagine the way she would smile at her husband so tenderly and how he would hold her gently in his arms like the fragile little dove that she was. I imagine the way her children would come running to her at every chance they got. They were a perfect family.

It’s cruel how fate decides to tear apart something so pure, so innocent. Her final days came like a sudden hurricane, destroying everything in its path.

Tears fell down my eyes as I was drifting off to sleep. I wished that when I woke up tomorrow morning I would be back in my London apartment, while she remained here happy and alive.

Why did you have to go?

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I woke up the next morning at six. My head hurt from crying myself to sleep the night before. I think that was the first time I cried again after her funeral. I got up from bed, got dressed, and went directly to the kitchen. I saw Lucas on the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea while reading today’s newspaper. His face was serious with a hint of uneasiness, like he wanted to focus on the paper in front of him, yet his mind was drifting somewhere else.

“You’re up early.” I greeted.

Lucas caught my eyes and smiled. “I could say the same to you.” Lucas responded. I stared at him for a few moments. He was wearing a white shirt crumpled from sleeping or the lack thereof and his black hair was dishevelled. “The children don’t usually wake up before nine.” He added. Lucas then gestured for me to sit on the table with him and offered me a cup of tea. I gladly accepted it and took a sip before sitting on the chair across of him.

Chamomile. This was her favourite. “Could you pass the honey?” I requested. Lucas then handed me the honey and I added two spoonful’s into my tea. I heard Lucas smirk slightly and tried to suppress a laugh. Gosh his smile is so beautiful.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“It’s nothing, sorry.” His face softened.

“Come on, tell me. Is there something on my face?” I want to know how to make you smile more.

“Don’t mind me. It’s just me and my silly thoughts…” He trailed off a bit before responding to my question. “My wife used to add the same amount of honey in her tea. Seeing you do the same made me feel happy for a moment.”

I saw Lucas’ eyes tear up, but he quickly wiped the droplets away in the guise of running his hand through his hair. “Every time I see, hear, or smell things that remind me of her, the empty feelings in my heart fades for a while, but then I feel miserable afterwards when I realize she’s never coming back.”

I continued sipping my cup of tea. I did not know what to say. How would I make him smile, when the one think that makes him happy is the same exact thing that brings him sadness?

After Lucas’ confession, the kitchen was filled with an agonizing silence that neither of us wanted to break. I allowed Lucas to get a hold of himself and waited until he spoke.

“By the way, you’ll be having Saturday’s off to do whatever you want as long as you stay in the mansion grounds. Since today is a Saturday I think it would be good for you to familiarize yourself with the place and get to know some of the servants here.” He started. “Despite being quite a big place, there are only a few people living here, so they must already know who you are. I’ll look after the children today.”

“Thanks.” I replied, still feeling a bit awkward from the previous silence.

After drinking tea, I quietly excused myself and started making breakfast for the Dawson family. Gavin arrived on the table just as I was setting up and Lucas fetched Ana from her room. We all had breakfast together: fried eggs, sausages, bacon, tomatoes, mushrooms, and some mashed potatoes. After finishing up, Lucas took the children with him. I, on the other hand, decided to familiarize myself with the mansion just as Lucas suggested.