“ Congratulations!”
Malakas kong hiyaw sa aking kaibigan habang inaabot ang isang champagne wine dito para sa kanilang after wedding party.
They rent a whole club para sa aming mga bisita to enjoy the rest of the evening at syempre ay sobrang pabor sa akin iyon lalo na dahil free drinks ngayong gabi. Hinila ko si Stefan sa aking tabi dahil sa isang picture taking kaya wala siyang nagawa ng ipagtabi ko sila ng bride at senyasan ang isang kaibigan para kuhanan kami ng litrato.
I will always laugh at this moment dahil kita ko kung paano magtiim ang bagang ni Stefan dahil sa ginawa ko. The bride is his first love but then sa sobrang kagaguhan niya ay hindi niya ito napangalagaan hanggang sa they agreed in being friends nalang.
He is really in love with her, the reason why after his heartbreak hindi na siya kailanman nagseryoso sa isang relasyon. The pain that he felt must been so much and he cursed himself for being a jerk.
“ I will kill you later!” nangigigil na bulong ni Stefan sa akin pero kinurot ko lang ang kanyang braso at sinenyasan siyang ngumiti sa camera.
“Let’s get fuckin’ wasted.”
Napailing nalang ako sa sinabi ni Stefan at walang alinlangang sumunod sa kanya sa gilid na bahagi ng bar. The lights are more dim in this place at mas lalo pang naging wild ang gabi when the the loud music envelopes the whole place. Napuno ng sigawan ang lugar tila ba lahat ay handa na para magpakasaya ngayong gabi.
Everyone is either dancing or drinking but I am sure that Stefan and I will going to have so much fun tonight. I need to unwind with all of the thoughts that's going in my head. Ganoon pala talaga iyon no? It's really hard to like someone without assurance. Love is really a gamble, it's either you lose or you win. I hope I will win this one.
“ Stop being bitter about it,” payo ko kay Stefan ng makita siyang sunod sunod na lumagok sa hawak niyang bote ng black label.
Hindi na talaga siya nag-abala pang kumuha ng baso at diniretso na agad sa bote ang pag-inom niya. Poor stefan, he must be so heartbroken kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas.
“ Me? Bitter? As if !?” he chuckled to himself before grabbing someone in front of us and torridly kissing it. Kailangan ko pang takpan ang mata ko dahil sa napakabulgar niyang h***k pero agad din iyong nawala ng makarinig ako ng malakas na tunog.
The woman he just kissed slapped him hard… as in hard dahil halos tumilapon pa siya pabalik sa kinauupuan niya. I watched in awe as the woman disgustingly wiped her lips and walk away with so much confidence.
“ The fuck?!” hindi makapaniwalang turan ni Stefan bago pinagpag ang kanyang damit at bumalik sa pag-inom.
I want to laugh and congratulate the woman dahil never in my million dreams that I did think someone will do that to Stefan. I mean he’s good looking that’s why woman worship him and his lips plus he never experienced being slapped that hard in his whole life.
“ Karma is a bitch.” I remarked before commanding the waiter to give us many cups and a pong ball. I know what Stefan needs and that is to clear his mind with alcohol and fun.
Matiyaga kong inayos ang mga baso at nilagyan iyon ng mataas na tagay ng black label habang seryoso lang na nanonood sa tabi si Stefan. I throw him the pong ball at hindi nga ako nagkamali dahil agad na sumilay ang ngisi sa kanyang mga labi.
“ Let’s get wasted love!” malakas kong sigaw sa bandang tenga niya bago ko inagaw ang bola at umpisahan ang laro. I laughed when it bounce three times before settling in the last row of cups which I gladly drink. Ramdam ko kung paano humagod ang init ng alak sa aking lalamunan but I didn't care at all.
Sobrang gulo na ng utak ko dahil sa dami ng alak na iniinom at hindi din nakadagdag na sobrang namumula na si Stefan. We are wasted! As in super wasted to the point that we really don’t know what we are doing anymore.
After my conversation with Matthew in our house, I don’t know what to feel and do anymore. He’s like pulling a push and pull the game and I feel like he is toying with me when in fact I am the one who plans to do that in him. I plan to make him fall in love with me pero ako ata ang nahuhulog dahil sa mga ginagawa niya. For a moment, I want to cry because of confusion.
Am I avoiding him? Did he think that I am avoiding him?
Maybe but it is for a good cause because when he’s around I know that I am willing to let everything go just to have him. Sobrang gusto ko na ata siya and I am hurting because he is confused.
Nang matipuhan ko ang ipinalit ng DJ na kanta ay walang sabi-sabi kong hinila ang lasing na si Stefan papunta sa pinakagitna ng bar. I laughed when he can’t barely control himself dahil sa sobrang kalasingan.
Nakayuko nalang siya at mahinang tumatawa habang tinitignan akong sumasayaw sa harapan niya. I moved my hips in a seductive way making him laughed at me before dragging me out of the place dahil marami ng lalaki ang nakatingin. Even in that state ay talagang sobrang concerned padin niya sa akin.
“ Let’s stay here!” He shouted before collapsing in the couch. Bigla nalang siyang nagcollapse doon at nakatulog. Inilabas ko ang aking cellphone to film him but vividly stopped when I saw fresh tears forming in his eyes.
Kahit nahihilo ay lumuhod ako sa harapan niya para magpantay ang mga mukha namin. Biglang kinurot ang puso ko dahil sa nakita kong mga munting luha na tumutulo sa mat ani Stefan. He didn't cry not even when he was abandoned by his parents here in the country. He didn't cry, ngayon palang.
“ I really like you…” he mumbles na siyang nagpatalikod sa akin. It hurts seeing him cry but it hurts more when I feel this emptiness inside of my heart.
Parang ako din nasasaktan sa isang bagay na hindi ko matanggap, habang tinitignan ko si Stefan ay may narealize ako… maybe loving is hurting and hurting is loving, how ironic.
“ Hey, smoke?”
Napalingon ako sa kay Rameses, isa sa mga kaibigan ko bago tapunan ang tingin ang natutulog na si Stefan. Inayos ko muna ang pagkakahiga niya sa couch bago wala sa sariling sumama kay Rameses sa smoking area sa labas.
I must be too occupied and drunk dahil agad kong tinanggap ang stick ng sigarilyo na iniaalok ni Rameses.
“ Do you want to clear your mind?” mahinang bulong ni Rameses sa paos na boses bago pumunta sa gilid ko habang bumubuga ng usok. Ang smoking area dito sa labas ay located sa bandang veranda kung saan tanaw ang mga city lights.
Bumuga pa muna ako ng usok mula sa sigarilyo bago dumantay sa railings ng veranda at tinanaw si Rameses na seryoso lang na nakatingin sa malayo.
His eyes resembles those who are always in deep thoughts pero ang kaibahan lang ay marunong siyang magtago sa likod ng mga nakangising mga labi. He is well known as the dangerous player who just wants to get laid and have fun around women. I know him because we always encounters in different parties and everytime I will saw him with girls in his arms.
“ Enticing isn’t it?” mapang-akit niyang tugon sa akin ng mapansin na nakatitig ako dito. I closed my eyes at tumawa lang dahil sa komento niya bago tumingin sa syudad. I tried to shake what I felt earlier, the sting in my heart who keeps asking me if why I am feeling this way.
Napairap ako dahil naramdaman kong binugahan ako ng usok ni Rameses and then he laughed because I did the same on him. I don't know why he is smoking when in fact he is a medical student at dapat alam niya ang epekto ng mga ganitong bagay.
And then after some minutes, I just found myself kissing Rameses like there's no tomorrow. I am not sure if I am kissing him because of the alcohol, the cigarettes or the stinging emotion that I am feeling pero ang alam ko lang ay he is really good in kissing.
I can feel him deepening our kiss and holding my back for support, nalaglag pa ang hawak kong sigarilyo dahil sa nakakaliyo niyang h***k. I feel dizzy that’s why I needed for support at sakto namang nahawakan ko ang railings sa likudan ko. I closed my eyes when he pulled me closer and kiss my neck just above my collarbone.
Napapikit ako dahil sa sensansyong dala ng mga h***k niya hanggang sa naramdaman ko nalang ang isang malakas na pwersa na siyang nagpahiwalay sa amin ni Rameses.
“ What the fuck dude?!” iritang sigaw ni Rameses habang inaayos ang collar ng kanyang suot na polo pero hindi manlang siya pinagtapunan ng kahit kaunting tingin ng sobrang galit na si Matthew bago ako nito hilahin paalis sa bar.
“ Ouch!” hindi ko maiwasang hindi mapangiwi dahil sa sobrang higpit ng pagkakahawak ni Matthew sa kamay ko pero tuloy tuloy padin ang kanyang mabilis na paghakbang hanggang sa namalayan ko nalang na dinala niya ako sa parking lot sa tabi ng kanyang sasakyan.
“ What the hell are you doing with that man, Radia?!”
I flinched when he shouts and step his advances before sliding his rough hands in my lips as if it will erase those kisses. I kept thinking if what is he doing in a place like this and was he even invited but those thoughts flew away when I feel his calloused hand on my lips.
My heart pounded just because of his actions but at the same time, I can feel my tears flowing and my heart aching because of his actions.
“ I don’t know okay?!”
“ I don’t fucking know any more!”
I watched Matthew’s eyes grow in shocked when he heard me shout for the first time. Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko na mapaiyak dahil sa sobrang frustration sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya.
I feel like Matthew is playing with me and I am falling so deep but I kept on embarrassing and disappointing him.
I want to have fun and erase my feelings for him for just a night dahil pakiramdam ko mababaliw ako dahil sa mga pinaparamdam niya.
“ Hey, listen. Sorry!”
It was Matthew who lowers his pride and tried to hold my hand for comfort pero agad ko iyong tinabig at naiiyak na bumalik sa loob ng bar kung saan naabutan ko si Stefan na medyo nahimasmasan na.
I can feel Matthew’s presence behind me pero hindi ko iyon pinansin at nagpatuloy lang sa pag-akay kay Stefan paalis sa lugar.
Matthew tried to help me but I keep nudging his hands until I saw our driver waiting for us outside the bar. Hindi ko manlang siya tinapunan ng tingin ng tawagin niya ako dahil sa sobrang frustration na nararamdaman.
I just throw Stefan in the backseat before commanding the driver to start the engine kahit nariring ko ang desperadong katok ni Matthew sa bintana ng sasakyan.
“ You just keep embarrassing yourself aren’t you?” Stefan once again laughed because of my miserable face that’s why I can’t help to throw him a daggered look dahil kasalanan niya ang lahat. If he didn’t passed out and make me drink too much to the point that I almost lost myself then I will not make out with Rameses and I will not shout to Matthew for having a frustrated feelings. “ Iiyak iyak ka kasi!” galit kong turan dito bago siya tuktukan sa ulo niya dahil sa sobrang inis. “ I didn’t cry! It was just your stupid hallucination!” he defended habang inaayos ang hawak sa manibela dahil nakasabunot ako sa buhok niya. Nagbiyabiyahe kami ngayon papunta sa pinakamalapit na coffee shop sa tabi ng school ni Matthew. I am contemplating whether I am going to apologize to him dahil sa nagawa ko. I feel like he didn’t really deserve to be shouted and ignored that way. “ Mababangga tayo Radia!” Stefan shoute
“ Magkakasakit ata ako sa atay dahil sayo!” Stefan laughed when I pulled him outside of his car. We are once again in his prestigious bar to mend my broken heart. Pagkatapos ng commotion at ang paguusap namin ni Matthew kanina, bigla ko nalang kinuha ang susi kay Stefan before driving to this station. I didn’t mind that I am just here last night and drinking dahil ang tanging naiisip ko lang ay ang sobrang sakit ng nararamdaman ko sa puso ko. Just by remembering what happened earlier makes me want to bawl and cried myself out of this world at isa lang ang alam kong solusyon dito. I want alcohol and I needed alcohol to clear my mind. “ Oh, ma’am?! Mag-paparty ka nanaman?!” I didn’t acknowledge the friendly smile and comment of the waiter, I just keep on dragging Stefan to the bar counter where there is no one to be found since it is still early in the afternoon. “ Just watch me drink.” I told Stefan when I on
It’s been almost a week ever since I wake up in my bed with a pounding head and still visible memories of my stupid behavior. Akala ko ay nabubura ng alak ang kahit anong katangahan na ginagawa ng tao habang lasing ito pero bakit malinaw padin sa utak ko kung paano ko sinumbatan si Matthew. Matthew. My mind keeps on coming back on him every time that I am occupied with something. Para siyang droga na kahit alam kong masama sa akin ay masaya akong nagpapakalango. I cannot even help myself from crying when I remembered that he didn’t show even after those conversations parang wala lang, parang wala na. One week of waiting for his calls or messages and one week of waiting for him infront of our door to just appear even if he chose to question everything. Pang kahit ano nalang basta makita ko lang siya at malaman na tulad ko naguguluhan din siya at may pakielam but I just keep on disappointing myself because he didn’t do anything, bigla nalang siya
“ So..” I reluctantly said while looking above the sky. Sobrang taas ng sikat ng araw ngayon at nakakasilaw ang liwanag na dala nito ngunit dahil sa mayabong na dahon ng punong aming kinalalagyan ay hindi ito naging malaking hadlang sa amin. Once again we are the back of the orphanage. Naalala ko kung paano kami huling nagpunta dito, it was chaotic and scandalous. Nag-init ang pisngi ko dahil kahit kapwa na kami nakahiga sa isang kumot sa ilalim ng puno ay hindi padin binibitawan ni Matthew ang kamay ko. He seems happy.. very happy because it is obvious that he is hiding a smile while looking at the sky. I glanced at him when he whistled once and a bird lands on his chest. Natatawa niya akong pinagmasdan ng mapasigaw ako dahil sa sobrang gulat sa ibon but in the end he shoo the bird away. The dead silence and the peacefulness of the place is deafening. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko uumpisahang kausapin si Matthew, it feels like all of my inhibiti
“ Aray!” malakas kong sigaw ng maputol nanaman ang isang string ng gitara at matalsikan ako nito. Inis kong tinignan ang tumatawang si Matthew na ngayon ay halos gumulong na sa sahig dahil sa kapalpakan ko. He is teaching me to learn guitar pero kahit anong turo niya ay hindi ko talaga makuha. “ Buti nalang madami akong stock na nakatago,” litanya niya bago umakyat sa taas at pumasok sa kanyang kwarto. We’ve been hanging out to their house dahil kanina ay ipinakilala niya ako sa parents niya but unfortunately his parents needs to go somewhere kaya kami nalang ang naiwan dito ngayon. Itinabi ko muna ang gitara sa katabing sofa at sinundan siya sa taas. He told me earlier to not enter his room because he is scared that we will not control our self once more tulad ng nangyari noong nakaraan kung saan halos may mangyari na sa amin sa likod ng puno. “ Knock knock,” I playfully said kahit nakaawang naman ang pintuan. Nakasimangot siyang lumingon sa akin bago ipinag
Love.. I’ve never imagined that I will be so in love with someone someday that I will want them only for myself. I feel so clingy and sad when I saw Matthew’s message saying that he will be gone for a week because he needs to do some gift-giving in some secluded area in a province. I pouted and took a selfie before clicking the sent button to our conversation. Stefan who is bothering me again in my room laughed at what I did and shook his head in disappointment. “ I’ve never pegged you to be this lovesick fool,” natatawa niyang turan bago kunin ang gitara sa tabi ng kama ko at nagsimulang tumugtog. I laughed because of his remarks and watch him struggle doing the guitar. “ Wala ka lang girlfriend!” I teased him back earning a death glare from him. “ Ikaw…” “ Huh?” nagulat kong tugon dahil sa biglaang sagot niya and it feels like he didn’t know that he said it allowed kaya pinagtakpan niya ito ng isang malakas na halakhak. I’ve crea
“ I know that you’ve missed me but I need you to do me a favor,” “ Radia?” “ H-Huh?” I instantly looked at Matthew when he calls my name waking me from staring to his brother. Inimbita ako ng mommy niya na mag-breakfast sa kanila but he’s smirking brother is sending shivers in my nerves kaya hindi ako makapagfocus sa sinasabi ni Matthew. “ I’m s-sorry, ano ulit iyon love?” nahihiya kong tanong habang tinitignan ang parents niyang nakangiti sa amin. “ I think she’s tired of you, son!” his father remarks making his eyes widen out of surprise. Malungkot siyang tumingin sa akin but then we heard his father laughed teasing him. “ N-No, o-of course not po tito,” I defended myself habang iniiwas ang tingin sa kaliwang kabisera ng kanilang dining table. Matthew held my hand and kissed it infront of his parents making me blushed. “ W-What was your favor again?” nahihiya kong tanong dahil hanggang ngayon ay nakangiti padin ang pare
“ Are you alright?” tanong ni Matthew ng makita niyang nakatulala ako sa loob ng tent. I wasn’t really thinking of anything aside from what his ex-girlfriend said earlier. Pinipilit kong patatagin ang loob ko at ngumiti kay Matthew but then I saw the woman walking towards our direction smirking at me pero ng lumingon si Matthew ay agad iyong napalitan ng mala-anghel na ngiti. “ I didn’t know you’re here Matt!” she sound like a conservative angel malayong malayo sa paraan ng pananalita niya kanina. Matthew held my hand and she looked at it, hindi maitago ang pait na nararamdaman but a minute later she smile again like nothing happened. “ Yeah,” maikling sagot ni Matthew still looking at me and not minding her presence pero ng tinawag sila na pinakahead ng community service ay walang choice si Matthew kung hindi sumabay sa kanya. She seems to be having a hard time scoring a real conversation with Matthew pero hindi siya nagtatagumpay dahil hindi man lang siya tapunan n