4.

"You know I can't let you go, baby."

I stared at Zach. He's looking at me intently, 'yung mga mata niya parang nagmamakaawa sa'kin. Agad kong iniwas ang paningin ko mula sakan'ya.

"It's not safe for you to live alone, if you want to go back to your condominium. Then I'll live with you."

I bit my lip because of what he said. Yesterday, I found out the truth behind my parents' de@th. That's why now, I am planning to go back to my condominium.

I want to distance myself to him. It's hard to do it especially now that I have feelings for him, again. But I know, it's for the best.

"Zach, I can live on my own. Nakayanan ko ngang mabuhay the moment you and my parents left me. Ngayon pa kayang may kasama akong bata sa sinapupunan ko?"

Naramdaman ko naman na bumigat ang paghinga niya. I didn't bother looking at him dahil pakiramdam ko, any moment from now, I'll cry.

"Are you afraid of me?"

I didn't respond at him. Bagkus ay itinuon ko ang atensyon ko sa mga gamit ko na nasa kama.

"You heard my conversation yesterday and now, you want to live alone. Baby, I'm afraid to admit this, but yeah, I am now a mafia boss. Now tell me, are you afraid of me?"

I bit my lip for the second time.

Sh*t, he literally confessed in front of me na mafia boss siya.

"Yeah."

It's true, I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of what he's capable of. I'm afraid that he's also planning to kìll me once the baby is born. I am afraid of him. But honestly, there's a part of me that's saying that I shouldn't be afraid of him. But the fact that he did that to my parents, it is not impossible for him to hurt and kìll me.

I heard his soft chuckle tapos ay niyakap ako. He placed his chin on my shoulder.

"And you want to live to your condo? I'll let you but I'll live with you too."

Agad akong kumalas sa pagkakayakap niya. Naramdaman ko naman na bahagya siyang natigilan. I stood up at saka humarap sakan'ya.

"No."

Matigas ang pagkakasabi ko noon saka ko siya tinalikuran. Kagabi, I made my final decision. I'm going to distance myself.

Just because I love him doesn't mean I will let my guard down. Isa pa, I promised that I'll revenge for my parents. Hindi ako pwedeng pumalya doon.

How can I kìll him kung patuloy akong didikit sakan'ya? How can I do my mission kung magpapatuloy at lalong lalalim ang nararamdaman ko sakan'ya?

But thinking that I am pregnant and he's the father of it. It makes me crazy.

"Why are you afraid of me?"

In just a snap, nakatayo na siya sa harapan ko. He's looking intently at my eyes. Tila ba binabasa ang mga mata ko. Agad kong iniwas ang paningin ko.

"It's been two years. May mga bagay na hindi ako nalalaman tungkol sa'yo. I'm afraid  of what you're capable of right now."

He pinched the bridge of his nose tapos ay bahagyang ngumiti sa'kin. He leaned closer to me at lalong lumawak ang kan'yang pagngiti. Hinawakan niya ang tiyan ko saka siya nagsalita.

"Isn't it the other way around? You're a great assassin of a well-known mafia organization. You've been a part of that ever since you are 16. You are more trained than me."

"But if you're wondering about me, I'm still the old me. I'm still the old Zachary who's capable of loving you. You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm here to protect you and our little Zach whatever it takes."

He leaned closer again. Sobrang lapit niya na to the point that I could feel his breathing.

"I'll do everything even if it will cost me my life. Mark my words, baby."

Tapos noon ay agad niya akong ginawaran ng halik sa aking noo. Then he hugged me but it's not that tight, maybe natatakot siyang mahigit ang baby na nasa sinapupunan ko.

Kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap sa'kin saka lumuhod sa harap ko. He leaned closer to my stomach at muling hinawakan 'yon.

"I won't let anyone hurt my little Zach. I'm willing to sacrifice everything for the safety of the both of you."

I bit my lower lip. Pakiramdam ko anytime ay babagsak ang mga luha ko.

"Zach, just please, let me go. Let me live alone. Hindi ko ipagkakait sa'yo ang anak natin. Just please. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari."

He stood up saka tumitig sa'kin. Again, he's looking at me intently. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang lungkot sa kan'yang mga mata habang nakatitig sa'kin. D*mn, bakit parang ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko?

"Two years ago, we broke up because you cheated. Two years ago, you left me all alone. Then we suddenly met, as if nothing happened between us. As if you never hurt me. As if you never left me. As if you never replaced me."

"Zach, I don't know. I don't really know if you really love me. I don't really know kung totoo ba 'yang pinapakita at pinaparamdam mo sa'kin because the last time I checked, pinagpalit mo ako sa ibang babae."

Pinasadahan ko siya ng tingin matapos kong sabihin 'yon. I could feel pain in his eyes.  The moment na naramdaman niyang nakatingin ako sakan'ya ay agad siyang nag-iwas ng tingin. 

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Just give me a time, Zach. Just, just let me live alone."

He sighed, maybe it was a sign of defeat. This time, he looked into my eyes. His eyes is full of pain, fear and sadness.

"Is it really what you wanted?"

I looked at him too. "Yes," mariing sagot ko.

"Fine. But please, don't stop me from doing my father duties."

I looked down and there, I bit my lip. "Yeah."

The moment na makarating ako sa condominium ko ay agad akong dumiretso sa kwarto ko. Zach insisted na ihatid ako of course I didn't decline his offer. Mahirap na rin kasing magcommute lalo na sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. I close my eyes. Is this what I really wanted?

D*mn, Zaleah. The main reason why you are here is because you're going to make the culprit pay the price. D*mn, I thought this would be easy. Pero bakit parang ang hirap?

I woke up dahil mayroong nagdodoorbell. I immediately went to the door at pinagbuksan 'yon. Bumungad naman sa'kin ang isang lalaki. He's holding two large boxes.

"Miss Zaleah, padala ni boss 'to para sainyo. Noah Villamore nga pala at your service."

Malapad ang ngiti niya sa'kin. I looked at him intently. I'm checking if he's saying the truth. Mahirap na baka kung sino lang ang nagpadala nito.

I was about to dial Zach nang magring ang cellphone ko. It was him.

"I commanded one of my men to bring you some food."

"What's his name?"

"Noah Villamore."

"Matangkad, kayumanggi ang kulay, may katangusan ang ilong at may tattoo sa may balikat."

"Yeah, it's him."

I ended the call saka dali-daling pinapasok si Noah sa loob ng condominium ko. He smiled at me awkwardly.

"Alis na po ako, Miss Zaleah."

"Okay. Pakisabi kay Zach salamat. Pakilock nalang ang pinto."

Pagkasabi ko noon ay dumiretso na akong muli sa kwarto ko. I lay down at saka nagsimulang ipikit muli ang mga mata ko.

Sa mga oras na 'to dapat nagpaplano na ako kung paano ko isasagawa ang pagp@tay ko sa mafia boss na 'yon. Pero tila ba wala akong lakas na gawin 'yon.

I woke up dahil sa sunod sunod na pagdodoorbell. Tila ba gigil na gigil 'yon. Inis akong lumabas at saka sinilip sa hole kung sino 'yon. I saw Zach outside. Tila ba hindi mapakali. Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago siya pagbuksan ng pinto.

"D*mn, what took you so long? Are you okay?"

"Ang OA mo."

Naramdaman ko naman na muli siyang huminga nang malalim. "Have you eaten?"

"Hindi pa," tipid na sagot ko.

"Do you know what time is it? Why are you starving yourself? It's not good for you and for our little Zach, baby."

"I know what I'm doing, Zach. I just need some rest."

"What's bothering you?"

I didn't respond.  Sa halip ay kinuha ko ang hawak hawak niyang mga paperbag. I'm pretty sure na mga pagkain 'yon and I'm right. Dali-dali akong pumunta sa dining area at nagsimulang kumain.

Malapad naman ang ngiti ni Zach habang naglalakad palapit sa'kin. He sat beside me. Pinapanood niya lang ako habang kumakain kaya naman napairap ako.

"I just finished all the papers in the office, so I could leave it for I guess a month."

"What for?"

"For the both of you." He answered tapos ay tumingin sa tiyan ko. Agad kong ipinilig ang ulo ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

"Wanna go to the park later?"

Hindi ako sumagot sa halip ay nagpatuloy lang ako sa pagkain. Gaya nga ng sabi ko, I need to distance myself to him. Habang nagiging malapit kami sa isa't isa ay lalong nagiging impossible para sa'kin na tapusin ang misyon ko.

"Silence means yes. So, I'll take that as a yes."

He said tapos ay ngumisi. I didn't bother answering him, bagkus ay nagpatuloy ako sa kinakain ko.

We're now heading at the park. I closed my eyes habang dinadama ang byahe. D*mn, bakit ba ako napunta sa gan'tong sitwasyon? Bakit kailangang maipit ako sa gan'to?

"Here we are."

Napadilat ako ng mata nang sabihin niya 'yon. Bumungad sa akin ang isang park kung saan maraming mga batang naglalaro kasama ang kanilang mga magulang. I suddenly felt happy sa mga sandaling iyon.

I found Zach infront of me, mabilis siyang kumilos at pinagbuksan ako ng pinto. He's gently holding and guiding me while walking. D*mn, why is he so sweet? 

Napili naming umupo sa isang bench dito kung saan tanaw na tanaw mo ang mga tao na nandito sa park. They all looked so happy.

"I can't wait for that time to come. Me as the father and you as the mother. D*mn, I will certainly be the happiest man alive."

I bit my lip dahil sa sinabi niya.

Kanina habang nasa condominium ako, I realized few things.

Una, I am thinking that he's planning to kìll me, when in fact, ako ang nag-insist sakan'ya na maging secretary niya. In the first place, ako ang may kagustuhang pumasok sa buhay niya and not me. And d*mn, the moment we met at the auction party, he clearly don't want to hire me. Pero nung sabihin ko na I'll look for someone else – he hired me. D*mn, the shows how much he cares for me.

Pangalawa, I am pregnant. I don't think I'll be able to kìll the father of my baby.

Pangatlo, something feels so wrong about everything. I don't know if I'm just stupìd pero parang may mali sa lahat. Parang hindi tama.

How can he be so cool and at the same time sweet to me kung siya nga ang gumawa no'n sa parents ko?

I don't think he could do that.

Although there's evidence na magpopoint sakan'ya as the kìller, d*mn, I still believe na hindi niya 'yun magagawa. Not on my parents because he treated my parents as if it's his own family. I saw how much he respected my parents when they are still alive.

"You're spacing out again, baby."

Muli akong nabalik sa realidad nang magsalita si Zach. He's looking at the kids habang sinasabi iyon. Ibinaling ko rin ang tingin ko sa mga bata na 'yon.

"Someday, we'll be like that. Someday, this will also be one of our favorite places."

For the second time, I bit my lower lip trying to hold my tears.

D*mn, he's really looking forward to it. He's really looking forward on being a father to our child.

How could I ruin his dream when his only dream is to take care and to love our child? Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko saka marahang pinahid ang mga luhang tumakas sa mata ko.

"I'm also looking forward to it," mahinang sagot ko sakan'ya

I won't lie.

I can lie to everyone else but not on myself. I can't lie to myself. I hate to admit it but I am also looking forward to that too. I want to know how it feels like to be a mother with a loving husband and a kid.

Gusto kong maramdaman 'yung magkaroon ng pamilya – a family with him.

D*mn.

"Sh*t! Why are you crying, baby?"

Those words felt like a trigger to me. Dahil doon, lalong bumuhos ang mga luha na kanina pa gustong kumawala. D*mn, I feel so frustrated right now!

Things are much complicated right now. It feels like I was born to suffer with pain. D*mn it.

All I want is to be happy – all I want is to be happy with him. But f*ck! I didn't know that it would cost a lot.

It's impossible for me to choice between him and between my baby. I can't choose between them because d*mn I want and I love them both.

Naramdaman ko nalang na nakayakap na sa'kin si Zach. Hinahagod niya ang likod ko while kissing my hair.

Bakit ba ang hirap maging masaya? Bakit pakiramdam ko ipinagkakait sa'kin ng mundo maging masaya? D*mn!

Bakit kailangan kong mamili sa pagitan ng mga mahal ko sa buhay? Why life is so f*cking cruel to me?

"I know something's bothering you, but always remember, I am here for you. I will protect you at all cost – even if it costs me my life, baby."

And with that, I felt pain in my chest.