Chapter 3

"You actually met up with him?" natatawa kong tanong.

Nakaupo kami ni Kael sa lounge ng clubhouse. Medyo crowded ngayon, may mga golfers rin na kakabalik lang galing sa course na dumeretso sa bar area.

"I mean..." Kibit balikat niya. "I'm not a saint, he was exactly my type so."

Nginisihan ko siya. It's impressive that he still managed to find time to sleep around.

"Alright, spill." Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. "Why did you really call me over? I know you didn't ask me to come all the way here just so we could talk about my sex life."

Umiwas ako ng tingin at humalukipkip. Shit. "Dude I have no idea what you're talking about." tanggi ko habang tumutungga ng beer.

Hindi nagsalita si Kael, I saw him looking at me from my peripheral vision. Huminga ako ng malalim at bumaling sa kanya, nakataas ang kilay niya sa akin, halatang nag-iintay sa sasabihin ko.

Napasandal ako at tumitig kay Kael. Fuck. Minsan talaga gusto ko siyang suntukin dahil nakakairita na sobrang bilis niyang makahalata kapag may tinatago ako. I don't know kung dahil matagal na kaming magkaibigan o sadyang pakialamero lang siya, but when it comes to me there's really no hiding anything from him.

I mean, hindi na kami laging magkasama ngayon. Busy siya sa residency niya, busy rin ako sa trabaho. We don't even see each other that often these days unlike noon na nasa iisang school lang kami. Pero still, one look at me, its as if he already knows my secret.

Even back in high school, kahit anong kayabangan ang ikwento ko sa kaklase namin, they always believed my bullshit, unlike Kael na naaaliw lang na pinapanood ang pinaggagagawa ko habang pinipigilan ang ngisi niya.

Pero kahit gaano kami ka-busy at gaano katagal kaming hindi magkita. Si Kael pa rin ang una kong tatawagan kapag may problema akong hindi ko kayang ayusin mag-isa, and I knew it was the same for him. Hindi naman kami yung tipong nag-uusap tungkol sa feelings namin o nagiging sentimental for no reason, pero after everything we've been through, we both knew we had each other's back. Kaya siguro, sa lahat ng taong puwede kong pagsabihan, si Kael ang naiisip kong lapitan tungkol sa... problema ko?

Bumuntong hininga ako at umiwas sandali ng tingin. When I looked back, nakatingin pa rin siya sa akin, watching me curiously. Kinagat ko ang dila ko.

"Jesus," Kael said after a moment. "Kung ano man yan, it can't be that bad."

Mapakla akong tumawa. "Easy for you to say."

"Jace."

"Right, yeah." Hinilamos ko ang palad ko sa mukha ko. "So, Fiona and I have been meeting up after the reunion right?" biglang sumilay ang ngisi ko. "Alam mo na... sleeping together and all that."

Umangat ang isang sulok ng labi ni Kael. "Uh–huh."

"What does that mean?"

"You just look like a teenager bragging about getting laid."

"Fuck you." Tinuro ko ang sarili ko. "Can you blame me, though? Look at this face and this body." Binuka ko pa ang mga braso ko. "Hindi ko kasalanan they can't resist this."

Napailing si Kael, nangingiti. "You're unbelievably full of yourself."

"It's called confidence."

"Nah, it's narcissism."

Napangisi ako. "Whatever."

Umiling si Kael and rolled his eyes halatang naaaliw. "One of these days, some woman's going to humble your ass."

To be honest, minsan napapaisip ako kung bakit si Kael lang ang kilala kong parang completely unaffected sa appeal ko. I mean, I know I am, I'm not delusional. Kahit noong high school pa lang, I've had girls confess to me, and even now, may mga lumalapit pa rin. Ni katiting na validation, hindi ko nakuha sa kanya. Medyo insulting, honestly.

Actually...

I remember this one time, a few months after he came out to me. We were at his condo, playing video games when the thought suddenly crossed my mind.

"You know..." sabi ko habang nakatutok pa rin sa TV. "Random question lang. Since you're gay and all..." Napasulyap ako sa kanya. "Have you ever looked at me and thought, 'Yeah, I'd hit that?' Kahit isang beses lang?"

Lumingon si Kael sa akin, amusement already written all over his face.

"That's so random... why though?"

"Just answer."

A grin tugged at his lips.

"Curious?" Pinilig niya ang ulo niya. "Or are you worried?"

Umikot ang mata ko.

"It just randomly crossed my mind, okay? Anyway, forget it, I changed my mind. Don't answer."

Mahina siyang natawa bago umiling.

"No, dumbass. I've never looked at you that way."

Oh.

"I mean, seriously," dagdag niya. "You're not my type. Like... at all." Napailing siya at bahagyang natawa. "So you have nothing to worry about."

Nanatili akong nakatingin sa kanya.

"I mean..." I cleared my throat, suddenly sitting up straighter. "Not even... a little?"

Kael gave me a confused look. "No." Saglit siyang natigilan bago tumawa. "Dude, are you actually offended?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Ofcourse not. Just checking." tumawa ako bago binalik sa TV ang tingin, pretending I was invested in the game, I could still feel Kael looking at me.

After another second, Kael picked his controller back.

"Alright then." binalik niya ang atensyon sa TV. "Weirdo."

"Shut up."

Looking back, I must be out of my damn mind asking him that, Kael and I were practically glued to each other back then that if he would ever looked at me that way, malalaman ko naman agad. He never gave me that impression, not once.

Nakatingin pa rin ako kay Kael, ngumisi ako sa kanya. "Sure, whatever. Doesn't make it any less true."

Pinanood ko lang siyang buksan yung bote ng tubig bago niya yon tunggain. For some reason, I found myself staring at his fingers. I mean, I never thought much about my own fingers until I looked at his, I never notice before but they were ridiculously long. Kumunot ang noo ko, weird.

"Okay, so what's really going on with you and Fiona?" tanong ni Kael bago ibaling ang tingin sa akin. "Don't tell me you're inlove with her?"

"What no–I mean she's a nice girl, pero hindi yon." tanggi ko.

I hesitated, pinadaanan ko ng kamay ko ang buhok ko. Kael's face turned expectant, hinihintay ang sasabihin ko.

"Fiona asked me something weird the other day," I paused, tumitig ako sa kisame. "That day she—" Bumuntong hininga ako bago tumngin sa paligid, everyone's busy minding their business. Lumapit ako ng bahagya kay Kael bago bumulong. "Damn it–she fingered me. My ass. And I liked it like a lot."

Naghintay ako sa reaction ni Kael.

"Ah."

Nakaawang ang labi kong bumaling sa kanya. Nakatingin ito sa labas ng clubhouse bago bumaling sa akin.

"What the–anong klaseng reaction yon? Did you even hear what I said?" eksaherado kong tanong sa kanya.

Sumandal si Kael sa sofa at pinagsiklop ang mga braso while also crossing his legs.

"I heard you, okay? And I know why you're freaking out, it's a new experience for you. But it's normal alright? Guys have prostates too, you know. Some guys can literally cum from getting their prostate hit. It's not that deep."

"But it's still messing with me," mahina kong sabi. Napailing ako habang nakatitig sa sahig. "Hindi ko alam, dude. It just feels so... wrong. You know."

Kael studied me for a second before shaking his head.

"Jace, I think you're overthinking this too much." Kael sighed, leaning forward. "Some guys enjoy that, some don't. It doesn't take away your masculinity, you're literally the straightest guy I know."

Natahimik kami sandali. Huminga ako ng malalim. Kael's right, I'm overthinking this way too much.

"I–you're right, dude, thanks."

"For what?"

"For not making me feel like I was some kind of freak for liking it."

Kael's expression softened. "You're not a freak, Jace. Sometimes your body just responds to something new. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Trust me, this isn't nearly as unusual as you think it is."

"I knew you'd be the right person to ask." sabi ko habang sumasandal sa sofa. "You never judge me for all the stupid shit I do."

"I try."

"I knew you would understand." Tumango-tango ako. "I mean... you're gay. I figured you would know more about this stuff."

Biglang natahimik si Kael.

Tumaas ang isang kilay niya habang nakatingin lang sa akin. It was the same look he gave me whenever I would said something he didn't agree with.

"...What?" tanong ko.

Umiling siya habang natatawa.

"You realize not all gay men like the feeling of having fingers up their ass, right?"

Natahimik ako. What?

"What do you mean?" naguguluhan kong tanong.

I asked him for advice thinking he'd understand, since... you know, I assumed that's how gay men have sex.

Halatang tinatantya ni Kael ang reaksyon ko. "I mean, gaya ng sabi ko kanina, not all gay men are into that. Personally, I'm not. I don't really get much stimulation from it."

Umawang ang labi ko. Oh.

Tumawa si Kael sa reaksyon ko. "You know what? Ask Fiona to do it again, I think you'll get over it eventually. There's no point stressing over it, maybe it was just the heat of the moment." Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. "Or do it yourself if you're too embarrassed to ask her to do it again."

Ngumiwi ako. The other day was the last time Fiona and I would ever see each other. Fiona was leaving for the States after getting cast in a huge international campaign. Apparently, some agency there signed her after spotting her portfolio online. Good for her, I guess. And thank fucking God for that, dahil sa totoo lang, hindi ko na yata kayang humarap pa sa kanya pagkatapos ng kahihiyang yon.

Umasim ang mukha ko.

"You're fucking out of your mind if you think I'm doing that again. Let alone doing it myself." tawa ko.

Kael chuckled. "Sure, whatever."

•••

Okay, Kael's probably right. Maybe it was just the heat of the moment.

So here I am... like the absolute idiot that I am, I decided the most logical thing to do was to test it out myself. Jesus, if anyone ever found out about this, I would probably have to move to another country. This was, without question, the most weirdest thing na gagawin ko, but I couldn't let it go, okay?

A few minutes later, I lay flat on my bed, nakatitig sa kisame habang pilit binabawi ang normal na paghinga ko. My entire body felt strangely light, every muscle trying to recover as the realization settled in.

"Fuck..."

Mariin kong pinikit ang mata ko, feeling mortified and confused.

So... that definitely answered my question.

I closed my eyes and let out a long, defeated groan. I couldn't even convince myself that was some one-time thing anymore. Apparently not, considering I still had my fingers buried in my ass and practically convulsing because shit–it was that good.

Fuck me.

I closed my eyes and let out a long, defeated groan.

"I'm never telling him about this..."