Living And Dying

      

Yes Mom! And don't worry, I am not killing myself.” I screamed as I kneeled down the floor to collect the scratch papers that were scattered everywhere. And when I say everywhere, what I mean is under the bed, inside my bathroom, on the floor, and even under the bed sheets.

After cleaning everything, I jumped to my bed and stared at the ceiling. This is life. Work. Rest. Stare. But I know, this is not a life for everyone. This is a life for a 21- year old who's life means nothing to her. My life only revolves inside in a very small place. And believe me, the last time I went to the mall is when I was seven and I can't barely remember the whole detail about it. I also don't know how the school looked like. Trust me when I say my life is the most boring life someone could ever lived.

It was almost 4 in the afternoon when I decided to go outside to have a bicycle ride. Mom is baking an apple pie and Dad is reading an old newspaper that was delivered last last month. He is really strange. As I stepped out of the garage, I immediately felt how the sun kissed my face. The clouds are forming shapes and I also spotted a dinasaour cloud which I almost see during Thursdays.

I decided to go to the East side of the village which is the most beautiful site to witness a beautiful sunset. I bought my sketchbook and some crackers to fight loneliness. But, I am just alone but not lonely. Except for my nights where insomnia won't let go of me.

I arrived there after a 10- minute ride. I parked my bicycle beside the tree and took my sketchbook and crackers from the basket. I run to my sweet spot and immediately lie on the the green grass. This feeling is a must for every dying heart. The first three second where you can breathe from everything.

I remembered the first time I discovered this place. I was 7 that time. That day, Mom told me I cannot go outside the village anymore. My body, especifically my dumb lungs, are too sensitive. We once tried to go shopping, the day and the only day I went to the mall. We got stuck in the traffic that time, and while sitting in the backseat, I am already chasing for air. But I didn't told Mom or Dad about it, cause I know I won't be able to see the Mall if I'll tell them. But I couldn't really hide it. We are already inside the mall for an hour or two when I got a shitty panik attack. It was my first time being in a crowded place and it was so loud. My body overreacted that I got a nosebleed and almost fainted. It was an awful memory. A week after that incident, Mom tolf me I can't go outside the village anymore. I got mad that time and walk out of the house. Then my rebellion, discovered this place I wished I knew sooner. That moment really-

“Here for the sunset?”

I suddenly heard a voice coming from my right side and it was deep. I turned my head to his direction and give him a disgusted look. Who is this jerk who cutted me off from my life narration? I've never seen this face before and it's a nightmare to see him now, lying beside me. The hell.

I immediately punched him in the face and stood up. I kicked him in his legs causing him to get up from lying in the grass field. His jeans are now dirty because of my shoes. He smirked a little and then he smiled showing his white teeth.

“ I thought you are weak. ” He uttered causing my mind telling me to punch him again. And I did.

He didn't even flinched and hugged his knees.

“My Mom left us." His voice was deep and he was staring blankly. Who the hell is he?

My eyebrows furrowed and I crossed my arms, standing in front of him.

“Do I look like I care? If I told you awe, don't be sad, it's okay, would I change the fate and stop your Mom from leaving? Idiot.”

He let out a sigh and stared at me. He didn't even utter a single word but he is making me tremble and it feels awkward. I stared at him at I noticed how brown his eyes are and his stare is a killer as if he's trying to read what's on my mind.

“ You ruined my day, you know-”

“But you made mine.” This time, he finally stood up and flashed a wide smile. This guy is such a piece of a little dumbass kid who's Mom is not around to teach him what personal space means.

I watched him leave and thank God I can be alone again. No.No.No. My eyes widened as he kicked my bicycle and tried to ride on it.

“Hey! Idiot! Leave my bike alone or else I will kill you- Get off!”

He didn't listen to me and now he's trying to ride my precious bike. Crap, this guy is testing my patience.

“Is this yours? Can I borrow-”

“No!”

I punched him for the third time. Causing him to fall on grass. Deserved. I took my bike away from him and ride on it. I put back my sketchbook and my crackers back to the basket and started pedalling. The sun is setting and ready to sleep. I glanced at it and mesmerized it's beauty for five seconds that I wish I could stare at it until it's gone, but thanks to this idiot, it could not happen.

I need to leave because I have a gut that this guy is dangerous to be with.

I am already three blocks away from him and I felt my adrenaline rush. I stopped over a shed and chased for air. The clouds are starting to get dark and the ambiance feels calm. I ate my crackers and warched some people past by in front of me.

And I have this weird habit that everytime I stare at someone, I usually end up thinking what is going inside their head. And staring at them made me feel I am really different. Different in a good way. Some people flash their smiles but still feel giving up. Some are always in their blank faces but still feel alive.

When you look at me, you can already tell I am weird. My brows are thick and my face is close to a nerd in every book I've read encountering a nerd protagonist. But I only wear glasses when I read, mostly 10 hours a day. Dad tole me that everyone's weird. He once met someone who ate hotdogs and dipped it in a hot coffee. Disgusting to imagine.

I grew up in this village and my body was immuned to the surroundings. It was really hard for me since I am a hardheaded girl. I want to do a lot of things my parents wouldn't allow me. This world is so cruel to me that I decided to build my own. I create my own home. But, honestly, it's still on process. I am still trying to live and accept the facts about the things I cannot change. I am still lost and I hope I will find a home soon.

Dad left earlier today for his business presentations. He usually leave at 8 in the morning, and Mom was left with me and for today since it's her day-off. She's working in a company I don't even understand how they come up with the company name. It says “ Notes and Rest.Co” where it looks like they are selling musical instruments or sometimes, I thought they are a funeral service. But they are really selling furnitures. I just couldn't find any logic.

I sat on the sofa and replayed my favourite animated movie, " My Neighbor Totoro". Mei is just too cute to handle especially everytime she shout. I am a couch potato for today as Mom would describe me everytime she see me lie here in the sofa with a bowl of popcorn.

“Are you hanging out with a guy?”

I get up and gave her a what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about-Mom- face. She chuckled lightly and continued spreading cheese in her spaghetti.

“Or a guy friend, at least?”

“Mom, that is impossible.” I said emphasizing the last word.

She shrugged it off but ther is something suspicious in her expressions.

“Mom,what? You never ask me stuffs like this.”

I paused the movie to focus with my conversation with Mom. This is really getting into my nerves. She first finished cleaning the counter area and look at me in the eye.

“So who's that boy after you yesterday?”

“ Mom, I was alone yesterday. All alone. Don't tell me your seeing ghosts.”

“Oh,maybe. But I didn't know ghost can follow you then watched you enter the garage while smiling and he is a handsome ghost by the way.”

That idiot.