Chapter five

Every man I am looking at in any match, I involuntarily look for Erede first in that man.

It is sick, I know, but my preference is Erede as a starting point to search for Erede first in every love interest I encounter.

Every match I have let through to me had something like him, whether physically or in how he addressed anything.

It hurts to see me destroyed like that, even with just a thought passing through my head. I feel broken.

My mother’s words ring a bell through me. ‘Why can't you stop liking him?’

That is a million-dollar question. If I had an answer or way through. I think I would never see the world with the same eyes.

Large wounds I am carrying because of him are heavy.

I can’t run away from him forever, I can't run to him, nor can I hide from him for long enough.

Because now he is my brother-in-law. He is an immediate family member. Erede’s wound is the largest wound I will carry around all my life.

I think this is the biggest reason my love life went sideways from that incident five years ago.

I honestly believe there is no punishment I have received more than loving deeply a married man who has been hurting me for so many years knowingly that he can never love me back the way I deserve.

Of all the men I have used to bury him, some did trigger emotions in me and got too close to me to the point when we broke up.

It hurt so much, but not as much as what I went through with Erede.

He is still the man I am searching for, in all the men that come to my head.

My forever obsession. I hate myself for that.

Before I am done accepting the first request, five more men are already on the request line, and I am smiling heavily at my first accomplishment.

At least I have a good startup.

I had planned to start with five men in the first round, but at this speed. I would have to double them to ten men to make the pool bigger for easy selection.

Then the hard part is waiting for their certificates and seeing who would be serious enough to go all the way and provide their medical record just to be with me.

I have given my plan a timeframe of at least a month, but if we continue with this speed. I wouldn't need all that time.

The problem will be my availability and my fertility window.

From tracking my fertile days, and results from Doctor Fabian, tomorrow would be my first window.

It is a profoundly serious bargain, but I pray and hope it works all well in my favor.

It is time to shut down the mouths of the mamas from my small town.

Most still doubt whether I have gotten over my first love, which in all senses is true. I still love that man so much, but I am going to love this baby more.

I am another person outside my house. I live a lie to make my community happy.

In front of everyone, I fake and act to fit in.

I act as if I have a boyfriend who is in the military and never comes home and now, I will give them a reason to leave me alone.

By getting pregnant and lying to everyone that it is my imaginary boyfriend who will be the father of my incoming baby.

If I don't tell the lie, the rumors about who my baby's father is will destroy me.

I plan to do everything a thousand miles from my hometown.

I want to be so untraceable that every step I plan to take; I have run through my mind a thousand times.

After accepting all five requests, my first notification comes from the guy who has just matched with me the last.

Expecting the sixty-year-old named Don Mauro to come through first, but I was half disappointed when it was another guy coming through. His name is Luciano.

My calculations went well with Don Mauro. He was old enough for the age group I wanted and he looked like a grown-up Erede.

And I pray he is real and not someone from the internet playing jokes on my plan. We begin anyway.

‘Hello'

‘Hi'

‘How are you, Keirah?'

‘I am good and how are you, Luciano?'

'I am good.'

'Are you in Casablanca?'

'Yes.'

I have gotten so good at lying even now when I am not chatting with my small-town people.

I am telling a ridiculously huge lie without feeling guilty.

I am currently a thousand miles away from Casablanca and I am lying to this guy.

'I can get you the certificates in two hours. How long until I can meet you in person?'

I hate that he is in a rush.

I am the only one supposed to be in a rush because I am the only one who may tell lies in this situation.

This is a red flag; he might tell lies too. But I am still fishing.

It’s not a big deal.

'Not long. Let's get the certificates first.'

I am intrigued that I got one fool first. Going all the way to get a certificate.

I click back to his profile picture, and he has set up a picture of him in his teen-ages.

And I know why I accepted his request. He is a copycat with almost all the features like Erede.

His profile says he was the same age as me. He is thirty-two years old.

And I don't like this one bit.

These kinds of men in my community are already in serious relationships and most of them come to dating sites to cheat on their spouses.

I am so picky in my choices, and it scares me.

At the beginning of the whole planning, my biggest worry was not having someone who would measure up to everything I wanted for this plan.

In a few minutes, another match comes through.

'Hello, there'

'Hi'

'How are you doing, Keirah?'

‘Great.'

'Good, can I at least see you naked before all this?'

If it was in my early days, I would feel bothered, but it no longer bothers me.

It has been so hard for me to not feel anything anymore for the last few years.

I expected someone like this in my matches, and he had unfortunately eliminated himself from the competition.

I clicked on the safety button on the app and chose to unmatch with the guy; I was almost tempted to report his page.

But that would not be fair, so I just closed the conversation and opened a new conversation from another match.