1

Celia

It was my last night in the trailer that I’d called home for far too long. I didn’t celebrate, not the way most kids my age would. There were no parties, no tearful goodbyes planned. Just me, on my own, the same as always. Nothing new, really.

I spent it the same way I spent most nights at home like this. I fantasized about all the boys I’d meet when I finally made it to New York. During the day, I studied my ass off, and worked my ass off, but at night, alone in my room, I let my fantasies run wild.

I’d think about sitting on a bench, the air cool and damp, the threat of snow just enough to make you want to curl up with your crush and cuddle as leaves fell down around you. All the magic of autumn would combine as I made out with the all-star football hunk or even the all-star geek, if there was such a thing. He’d snuggle up to me and whisper to me about how very much he wanted me.

He wouldn’t want the hot cheerleader who managed to fuck the whole football team just to get a piece of the star player. He wouldn’t the hot sorority leader either; the popular one that every guy there wanted, oh no. He wanted only me.

Plain, simple Celia O’Donnell, the one that no one noticed back in high school. But now, at the university I’d dreamed that I’d get into, this magical, mythical guy would notice me, and he would want me, desperately.  

I would look at him and think that I was the luckiest girl alive and that I’d give him what I’d saved for so long. We would date for six months before I gave him my most special gift and college life would be pretty cool.

Reality infiltrated as a sharp gust blew against a loose edge of the paneling on the trailer. I was so damn anxious. I’d worked like a crazy person to not only get into NYU, but to get scholarships and financial aid to pay for it. I’d known that my mom couldn’t afford it, so I’d done everything that I could to make it all possible.

I wanted a boyfriend more than anything as I set out on this new phase of my life. I was 18 years old and I’d never had a boyfriend It was ridiculous, really, but I’d been far too busy with work and keeping my grades up, while I begged for scholarships to have anything to do with boys. Now, I’d get the education I wanted and a boyfriend. I couldn’t wait for the sun to rise so I could get on my way.

I pretended now, as I’d done so often when I’d come home to an empty trailer. Mom worked all of the hours that she could to provide for me and to try to help me save up for the years of education that I now faced.  

A wave of guilt flushed over my skin as I thought about the fantasy man I longed for. Mom was at work to feed me and send me to school and all I could do was think about a stupid boy. Maybe I should be focused on what classes I had to take and how I’d get around in a place that was so completely unfamiliar, instead of on sex with a fantasy guy, I told myself.

Tomorrow, I’d leave Mom, my hometown, and I’d go out into the world on my own. An adult to most of the world, but still little more than a teenager. I’d be left to make my own decisions, my own mistakes, and the only person I could blame would be myself. Mom would be back here, counting on me to succeed. I couldn’t let her down.

Still, it was nice to think about the possibilities. Maybe I would have a nice, young, hot professor, I thought. The thrill of the naughty idea made me bite my lip with glee. More than likely all of my professors would be old men and women, with less sex appeal than a potato that had sprouted. That made me laugh, and I rolled over in bed to stare up at the faded glow in the dark circles on my bedroom ceiling.

Mom and I had put those up there when I was five, and after all these years, there was still a little bit of glow left. I sighed because I knew, the day I’d worked so hard for was just a few hours away. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t concentrate on my fantasy boyfriend, and a million other thoughts flitted through my mind.

I pushed the sheet down from my body, the night was still too hot for even that light cover in late August. I’d get up, watch some TV or read a book, but I was desperate to sleep. I wanted the hours to disappear as I dreamed of what was to come. I wanted tomorrow to be now.

Throughout my high school career, I’d been the studious one, the one that spent more time asleep so she could be fresh for the next day of class, instead of up hours early to work on her hair and makeup. I wasn’t advertising for a teenaged boyfriend to marry and have kids with before we’d even hit the 20 year mark. I had bigger plans than that.

I wanted a career that meant I didn’t have to rely on anyone else, ever. I wanted a home made of bricks and mortar, not cheap lumber and thin aluminum. I wanted a bathroom where the floor didn’t sag, and a kitchen that had appliances that worked. I wanted a life that wasn’t complicated with struggles. I wanted the life Mom couldn’t give me but had tried to provide.

And while I worked at it, I’d finally let myself look at boys. I’d finally find a real boyfriend, not the fantasy kind I’d dreamed about for so long. I’d be wanted, loved, adored and it would be perfect.