Chapter 4

#MTDC04: SWEET CONSEQUENCE

I look around my room for the last time, then a sad smile came out from my lips. Maybe this would be the last time that I will be seeing this place. My heart started to ache. Ni minsan ay hindi sumagi sa isip ko na itataboy ako palayo ng sarili kong ama.

I sighed for the nth time before I dragged my luggage out of my room. Nang makalabas ako ay agad akong sinalubong ni Mama.

"Ma,"

"You're leaving..." She started crying, again.

"Stop crying, Ma. Magkaka-wrinkles ka na niyan," I humored her just to make her laugh. Ayokong ang umiiyak niyang mukha ang huling makikita ko bago ako umalis. "I'm going to miss you so bad, my baby girl." She sobbed.

"We can still talk through social media. Don't worry." Lumapit ako sa kaniya at niyakap siya. "But I will miss you too, Ma. If only I can do things to make Papa change his mind… but I know he won't."

"Take care of yourself always. Though I know kabisado na ni Manang Anding ang mga ayaw at gusto mo, gusto ko pa rin na mag-doble ingat ka. Lalo na para kay baby." Hinaplos niya ang tiyan ko kaya agad na nagtubig ang mga mata ko. "Always eat healthy foods. Exercise more often para hindi ka mahirapan kapag magli-labor ka na– oh, god! I should stay with you during your pregnancy. But here I am, sending you away from home." She continued crying which made me tear up as well.

Shit this pregnancy hormones! Ang bilis kong mahawa sa emosyon ng mga tao sa paligid ko!

"Male-late na kami sa flight, Ma. We have to go na." I hugged her for the last time before I went downstairs.

With my heavy heart, I stared at the surroundings, then I finally walked out the main door.

'Maybe, this is better than killing my child.' I thought while the car was on the road to the airport.

***

Living in a foreign land with only Manang Anding beside me, was way more difficult than what I thought it was. My almost everyday morning sickness made me just want to lay in bed the whole day doing nothing, but watching Upright's performances on Youtube, while shedding tears caused by guilt and regrets.

Months passed by swiftly until I finally gave birth to my daughter.

Autumn Melody was the name I gave her. A part of me wants to associate her with my name and with music, which Red loves the most. And Autumn, which symbolizes my courage and sadness that I'd been through while carrying her.

"Nay Anding, tumawag na po ba si Papa?" tanong ko kay Manang Anding habang pinapatulog ko si Melody sa mga bisig ko.

"Naku, 'nak, simula noong huling beses siyang tumawag, hindi na talaga siya nagparamdam pa ulit." I heaved a sigh. The last time he called was when after I gave birth.

"Eh, si Mama po?"

"Gano'n din."

Huminga ulit ako ng malalim. My daughter's turning two months next week, but my parents haven't seen her, yet. Ganoon ba nila ka ayaw ang anak ko?

"Kapapanalo lang ng Papa mo sa eleksyon, 'nak. Baka masyado lang silang abala. Palagi namang gano'n pagkatapos ng eleksyon, hindi ba?"

I just gave her a small smile and nodded. Baka tama nga si Manang. Siguro abala lang sila sa pagkapanalo ni Papa. Maybe I just have to wait.

But my days of waiting turned into weeks and months. Walang ni isang nagparamdam sa kanila. Kahit si Mama na dati ay sobrang excited na makita ang apo niya, hindi na ako nagawang tawagan ulit. Ever since my father sent me here, I haven’t got another chance to talk to him. Ayaw niya akong makausap. Pero si Mama, she always call almost everyday to check on me. Pero ngayon, bakit hindi na sila nagpaparamdam? I also tried reaching her through social media, but all her private accounts were deactivated. What happened to them? I can’t stop worrying.

Habang pinapanood ko si Melody na naglalaro sa sahig, hindi ko maitanggi na malaki ang pagkakahawig niya sa tatay niya. I sighed. Every time I remember her shit-ass father, I always feel the rage inside me. Full financial support my ass! Ni piso nga ay wala akong natanggap mula sa kaniya!

“’Nak, paubos na ang gatas ni Melody. May naitira ka pa bang pera diyan?”

Ito ang pinoproblema ko. Kasabay ng hindi na pagpaparamdam ng mga magulang ko ay ang paghinto rin ng pagpapadala nila ng pera sa ‘kin.

“Meron po. Pero paubos na,” bagsak ang mga balikat na sagot ko.

I tried applying for a job here, but until now, wala pa ring tumatanggap sa ‘kin. Hindi ko alam kung hindi ba ako qualified sa mga in-apply-an ko, o sadyang pinaglalaruan lang ako ng tadhana kaya minamalas ako ng sobra. It’s frustrating!

Naisip ko na ring humingi ng suporta kay Wesley, pero pinipigilan ako ng pride ko. Baka pagtawanan lang ako ng gagong ‘yun kapag ginawa ko ‘yun. Another thing is, I already oath to myself that I won’t let my daughter know her father. He’s no good for her, so as long as I can, I’ll make sure to hide her away from her good-for-nothing father.

“Bakit hindi mo na lang ibenta ‘yung mga paintings mo, ‘nak? Dumadami na kasi. Baka sakaling makatulong.”

Manang Anding’s suggestion made me think. Isa-isa kong tiningnan ang mga ginawa kong paintings simula noong pagdating namin dito. ‘Yun ang lagi kong pinagkakaabalahan para hindi ako mabagot. Kung bibilangin, lagpas sampu na ang mga paintings na naka-display dito sa bahay. If I’m going to sell those paintings, I’ll surely earn huge amount of money. Big enough to support my daughter’s needs.

“Paano ko naman po ‘yan ibebenta?”

“Ay naku! Anong silbi ng cellphone at camera mo kung hindi mo gagamitin?” Ngumisi si Manang kaya kumunot ang noo ko. Pero ilang sandali pa, nakuha ko na kung anong ibig sabihin ng sinabi niya.

“You mean, online po? Ibebenta ko online?” Agad siyang tumango bilang sagot. Pero sabay kaming napalingon kay Melody nang magsimula siyang umiyak.

“Pag-isipan mong maigi ang suhestiyon ko, Symphony. Baka ito na rin ang sign para matupad mo na ang matagal mo nang gustong gawin.” She smiled before she shifted her attention to my crying daughter.

The night after our small talk, I stared at my paintings. Most of them were the beautiful sceneries here in New Zealand. Ilang oras ko nang pinag-iisipan ang sinabi ni Manang Anding. Yes, it was a good idea. Pero may bibili kaya kung sakali? Kung nasa Pinas lang sana ako, siguradong hindi ako mahihirapan na magbenta. But New Zealand is different. Wala akong kakilala rito.

“Geez! Just try, Symp! Wala namang mawawala sa ‘yo kung susubukan mo,” I mumbled, then I finally made up my mind.

***

“”Nak, kumain ka muna. Pasado alas siete na.”

Lumingon ako sa pinto nang marinig si Manang Anding.

“Saglit lang po. Patapos na po ako rito,” sagot ko, bago ibinalik ang atensyon sa ginagawa kong portrait painting. It’s 99% done and I’m just adding more details . It’s a commission from someone who contacted me through I*******m.

Simula noong sinubukan kung mag-post ng mga paintings ko, marami agad ang nag-message sa ‘kin para bilhin iyon. That was almost a year ago. It was really overwhelming that people kept on praising my artworks-- that finally, someone appreciates my craft. Hindi ko kasi naranasan noon na mapuri ang mga gawa ko. My father doesn’t want me to paint. He kept on telling me that it was just a waste of time. My mother on the other hand, can’t say a word to it. Maybe she’s afraid of supporting me and make Papa mad. Or maybe, she’s also against my passion.

Kaliwa’t kanan ang mga natatanggap kong commission kaya hindi na ako magkandaugaga sa pagpipinta. Halos hindi ko na nga mahawakan ang anak ko dahil sa sobra kong abala. Good thing, Manang Anding never left us. Akala ko talaga iiwan niya na kami noong wala na siyang natatanggap na sahod mula sa mga magulang ko. But she never left us, and I’m very grateful for that.

“Mommy! Eat!”

Muli akong napalingon sa nakabukas na pinto nang marinig ko naman si Melody. I smiled. Pakiramdam ko ay biglang nawala ang pagod ko sa buong araw na pagpipinta. She’s turning two years old three months from now. Kaya hindi ko tinatanggihan lahat ng mga commission. I want to throw a simple party for her. Hindi ko kasi nagawa ‘yun noong first birthday niya.

“Alright! Mommy will eat na.”

Tumayo na ako at nilapitan siya. I playfully pinched her chubby cheek making her pout her lips.

“Mommy’s hand is ew!” reklamo niya habang pinupunasan ang pisngi niya. I laughed. My daughter’s so adorable! She’s my daily dosage of happiness. And remembering how I tried to kill her before, makes me feel so ashamed. Ang tanga ko pala talaga noon.

We ate our dinner together. Melody’s busy with her slice of apple when Manang Anding talked.

“Tumawag ang Mama mo kanina, ‘nak.” Agad akong napatingin sa kaniya. “Kinakamusta ka niya,” dagdag pa niya.

“Ni hindi niya man lang ako kinausap?” I scowled and focused back on my food.

They never contacted me again since the day I gave birth. Tapos ngayon, matapos ang halos dalawang taon, bigla-bigla silang tatawag at kakamustahin lang ako? I needed more than that. I need to know their reasons for abandoning me.

“Sinabi niya na i-check mo raw ang bank account mo.”

I scoffed. Do they really think that everything can be bought with money? 

“Sana sinabi niyo po sa kaniya na hindi ko na kailangan ng pera nila,” I bitterly uttered. 

“May… iba pa siyang sinabi, ‘nak.” Lumingon ulit ako sa kaniya.”Sinabi niya na… na pinagbabawalan daw siya ng Papa mo na kausapin ka. Ang sabi niya, matagal niya na raw sinusubukan na kausapin ka, pero hindi niya magawa kasi laging nandoon ang Papa mo.”

My heart breaks. Akala ko, sapat na kay Papa ang pagpapatapon sa ‘kin dito. Pero mukhang plano niya nga yatang burahin ako sa buhay nila.

Hindi na ako nagsalita at ipinagpatuloy na ang pag-kain. Nang masiguro kong tulog na si Melody ay bumalik ako sa kwarto kung saan ako nagpipinta. Ibinuhos ko lahat ng emosyon ko sa pagpipinta. The longing, frustrations, hatred… everything. 

It was just a single mistake, but it literally changed my whole life. It was over two years ago, but I’m still dealing with all the consequences of that damn mistake. I wanted to move on, pero hindi ko magawa lalo pa’t pilit ipinapaalala ng mga taong umabandona sa ‘kin ang pagkakamali ko noon. Nakakapagod…

***

After that day, my mother kept on transferring money to my bank account. I wanted her to stop, but I didn't want to converse with her, so I let her do whatever pleased her. It took me a year to finally forgive her and give an ear to listen to her reasons. Since then, everything between us went back to normal. 

I successfully established my online art gallery a few months after. Then surprisingly, my name suddenly became renowned on the internet when a well-known celebrity bought one of my paintings and then she promoted my online gallery on her account. It felt surreal that I had a hard time believing that it’s actually happening to me. Simula noon ay mas dumami na ang oportunidad na lumalapit sa ‘kin.

Few months after the promotion, I received an invitation to participate in a group art exhibition organized by the most successful painter here in New Zealand. I was in awe when I read it. I cried out of ecstatic joy. I couldn’t believe that after all the years of struggles, it is now starting to pay off.

“No words can explain how happy I am for you, anak. I am so proud!” masayang sabi ni Mama habang nagvi-video call kami. I even noticed her teary eyes.

“It felt like a dream, Ma. A dream that I never imagined would come true.” I let out a sigh of relief.

“You deserve it, anak. After all the things you’ve been through, you deserve this great achievement. Look! Sikat ka na! Even my friends kept on asking me about you.” She smiled.

“Mommy, is that Lala?” Napalingon ako nang marinig ang boses ni Melody.

“Yes, honey. Come here.” Lumapit siya at kumandong sa ‘kin.

“Lala, how are you?” she asked, her voice was effortlessly adorable.

“Hello, my sunshine! Lala’s fine. How about you? Is Mommy taking good care of you?”

Nagpatuloy sila sa pag-uusap kaya hindi na ako makasingit. My daughter’s very enthusiastic while she’s telling her Lala everything that happened to her the whole day. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit ang dami niya pa ring nasasabi kahit na araw-araw namang tumatawag ang lola niya para kausapin siya.

When she’s finally done talking, nagpaalam na siya na maglalaro na.

“Melody’s growing too fast. Can’t believe that she’s turning four this year.”

Napangiti ako. Tama si Mama, ang bilis niyang lumaki na halos hindi na ako makasabay. I am too busy with my work that I sometimes fail to keep an eye to her. “Sana nga tumigil muna ang oras…”

“That’s also what I wished for when you were at her age.” She sighed, before her expression turned into a sad face. “It’s been four years, anak. Wala ka pa bang balak na umuwi dito?”

Agad akong natigilan sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot.

“Masaya na ako dito, Ma.”

“Alam ko… pero paano si Melody? Hindi mo ba naiisip na habang lumalaki siya ay posibleng hanapin niya na ang tatay niya?”

My breathing hitch. Her statement suddenly caught me.

“Pag-isipan mong maigi anak. Alam mong hindi mo mapipigilan ang kuryosidad ng bata. Dadating ang panahon na hahanapin at hahanapin niya ang tatay niya. Alam ko ang pakiramdam ng hindi kilala ang ama. I’d been through it. And to tell you honestly, it feels like there’s an empty space in me that can’t be filled with anything else aside from knowing my father. Hahayaan mo bang maramdaman din ‘yun ng anak mo?”