Alex~
Sunday slips by like fog. Thick, heavy, slow. I barely move from bed, pretending the ache in my chest is fatigue and not the hangover of something much messier. I scroll through my phone without really seeing anything, just letting the light burn into my eyes, hoping it’ll numb everything else. Seth doesn’t bother me. I hear him in the kitchen once then silence. When Monday rolls around, I drag myself out of bed looking like I’ve just clawed through cement. I don’t even bother shaving after I take a bath. My shirt’s wrinkled and I smell like I only showered for the performance of it. Tracey sends a “see you today?” text with a heart at the end, and I just reply, Yeah. In the media lab, Jordan’s already waiting. He’s hunched over his laptop, earbuds in, mouthing lyrics to whatever pop anthem is feeding his soul this morning. He looks up as I approach and offers a lazy smile. “Hey stranger,” he says, removing one bud. “You alive?” “Barely.” “I figured. You ran out of that bar like it was on fire.” I flinch before I can stop myself Jordan raises a brow at my actions. Jordan doesn’t push, but curiously he watches me. We get to work almost immediately. We’re building a presentation about the performative nature of masculinity in modern media the irony so thick I could choke on it. I mostly let Jordan talk and nod along, giving generic input. He doesn’t seem to mind. Occasionally, he bumps my shoulder or tosses a joke my way, and I try to respond like a normal person. Like someone who didn’t just spend the weekend unraveling. Then Seth walks in. He has no business being here, but he wanders in like he owns the place, hands in his hoodie pockets, hair still damp from probably a shower and my throat goes tight. “Yo,” he says to me, and then, as if he just noticed, “Jordan, right?” Jordan beams. “The one and only.” Seth leans against the wall beside our desk, just a little too close, all casual swagger and unreadable eyes. He doesn’t say much, but every time Jordan laughs at something I say or brushes my arm while pointing at the screen, I feel Seth stiffen. Jordan either doesn’t notice or pretends not to. He’s in one of his flirty, open and vibrant moods. Every time he leans closer to explain a point, Seth’s expression darkens just a fraction. His jaw tightens, but he doesn’t say anything. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, feeling like I’m sitting between two currents. “I’m starving,” Jordan says eventually. “We should get lunch after this.” He’s looking at me when he says it, but before I can respond, Seth cuts in. “We were gonna hit the cafeteria, actually.” My head snaps to him. We? Jordan blinks, surprised. “Oh. Didn’t mean to interrupt.” “You didn’t,” Seth says smoothly, still looking at me. “Right, Alex?” I stare at him. The way he says it like I’m his and he is only trying to reminder me has the corner of my lips struggling to lift. I force myself to remember Tracey and all she stands for to me. “Yeah,” I say, slowly. “We were gonna… eat.” Jordan catches on being so good at reading rooms. “Rain check then.” He smiles, but I can’t tell there’s more to it than happiness. “Just don’t choke on your toast, boys.” My breathing chooses that moment to destabilize and I find myself actually choking. He gathers his things and leaves Seth and I watch him go. “And what in the bloody hell was that?” I ask once Jordan’s out of earshot. “What?” “You basically told him to back off.” Seth shrugs. “He’s all over you.” “So?” I snap. “That’s not your business.” Seth leans in, lowering his voice. “Isn’t it?” I flinch. “What the fuck does that mean?” “I was just trying to save you from yourself. You said you had a girlfriend and you’re with one of the most charming gays I’ve ever seen.” The tone of his voice was undeniably filled with jealousy and for some reason, I preened internally. “Don’t worry about Jordan, he knows where I stand.” ** I don’t just see Tracey until later that evening. She shows up at the apartment unannounced, knocking once before letting herself in. She’s holding a plastic bag from the Thai place I like or used to like, before food started tasting like paper. “Thought I’d surprise you,” she says with a tentative smile. “You’ve been… kinda hard to pin down.” I kiss her on the cheek, awkwardly. “Sorry. Just been busy.” She glances around the kitchen, then into the hallway. “Seth not home?” “Practice,” I lie. I have no idea where he is. We settle to eat at the dinning table. We settle into an easy conversation where I ask her about her weekend and steer the conversation to her internship drama, but she circles back to me like she always does. “You’ve been different,” she says, not accusing just observing. I force a laugh. “You mean sexy and mysterious?” She doesn’t smile. “Alex.” “I’m fine.” “You’re not.” “Look, I know things have been weird since the party. And I probably overreacted a little, but—” “You didn’t,” I say quickly. She actually reacted right and it made me feel like I had something wrong with me. My agreement surprises her. She blinks, caught off guard. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind,” I add, quieter. “Is it… us?” I hesitate. There’s nothing wrong with us, I like to think. Tracey leans forward. “You can tell me if something’s wrong. I don’t want to be one of those girls who can’t take a hint, but I also don’t want to just disappear if there’s something to fix.” I reach for her hand. “It’s not you. I promise.” She searches my face like she’s trying to find whatever it is I’m not saying. “I saw your friend Jordan earlier,” she says after a beat. “At the bookstore. He said you’ve been hanging out a lot.” I stiffen. “Not like that,” she adds quickly. “He just mentioned the project.” I relax slightly, but she notices even that. “You get weird whenever I bring up anyone who’s not me,” she says softly. “Especially if they’re…” She trails off. I don’t finish the sentence for her. After she leaves, I collapse on the couch and stare at the ceiling. My chest feels tight, like something’s clawing at the inside of my ribs. Seth comes home eventually smelling like cold air and sweat. Doesn’t look at me when he walks past to drop his bag. “You good?” I ask before I can stop myself. He pauses. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” I don’t respond. He sighs and heads to the bathroom. I hear the water run. I sit on the couch, unmoving. When he returns, he leans on the back of the couch, towel slung around his shoulders. His hair’s wet again, curling slightly at the edges. “I’m not trying to ruin your relationship,” he says, out of nowhere. “I didn’t say you were.” “You don’t have to. You look at me like I’m a fucking problem.” I turn to him. “Maybe you are.” Seth laughs. Bitter and low. “At least I know what I am.” That lands like a slap. He backs off before I can respond. Heads to the room. Shuts the door softly behind him. ** At night, I lie awake staring at the ceiling. I can’t stop thinking about the way Seth stepped in between me and Jordan. The way Tracey looked at me like I was slipping through her fingers. The way I feel like I’m walking on a wire strung between two versions of myself one I built, one I’m terrified of. Seth’s breathing evens out across the room. Mine doesn’t. I don’t know what I want. But I know I can’t keep at this for any much longer.AlexSeth and I are silently preparing toast the next morning when my phone pings.It’s from Tracey.‘You’re coming with me to Jess’s party tonight. No excuses. I already told her you’d show.’ It reads.There’s a smiley face at the end, softening the order. I stare at the screen for a second, thumb hovering over the keypad. My first instinct is to say no because body still feels like it’s recovering from the tension of yesterday, it feels like my skin hasn’t quite settled over my bones yet.But I think of the way Tracey looked at me before she left and decide that I can’t keep avoiding her forever.‘Sure. What time?’ I text back.She responds in seconds. ‘I’ll pick you up at 7. Wear something decent. No stained hoodies.’ We can hear the music from the house before we even pull into the street. There’s music vibrating through the windows and a glow of fairy lights wrapped around the porch like it’s an artsy gathering and not a full-blown college rager.Tracey looks amazing in her fitt
Alex~Sunday slips by like fog. Thick, heavy, slow.I barely move from bed, pretending the ache in my chest is fatigue and not the hangover of something much messier. I scroll through my phone without really seeing anything, just letting the light burn into my eyes, hoping it’ll numb everything else.Seth doesn’t bother me. I hear him in the kitchen once then silence.When Monday rolls around, I drag myself out of bed looking like I’ve just clawed through cement. I don’t even bother shaving after I take a bath. My shirt’s wrinkled and I smell like I only showered for the performance of it. Tracey sends a “see you today?” text with a heart at the end, and I just reply, Yeah.In the media lab, Jordan’s already waiting. He’s hunched over his laptop, earbuds in, mouthing lyrics to whatever pop anthem is feeding his soul this morning. He looks up as I approach and offers a lazy smile.“Hey stranger,” he says, removing one bud. “You alive?”“Barely.”“I figured. You ran out of that bar like
Alex~ After I lay in bed eavesdropping, I kind of have a fade to black experience where I fall asleep and I woke up at 11am on Saturday morning. From where I lay, I can see Seth’s empty bed that looks untouched, like he hadn’t lay in it last night. I brush the thought of him aside because somehow, these days he seems to be occupying so much space in my head.I go to the bathroom and brush the morning breath out of my mouth before I lean against the sink and take a good look at my face.I look like I’ve been dragged through the gates of hell for a week nonstop. I guess that’s what having a bi roommate that makes you question your sexuality while you’re actively dating would do to a person.Before I leave the bathroom, I listen to know if he is in the room and do the same when I’m about to leave the room.Just as I tiptoe into the kitchen hoping he is gone for the day, I hear his voice, deepened my his sleep.“You doing alright?”Seth’s voice pulls me out of my own head. He’s leaning
Alex I’m not avoiding Seth.Okay, I totally am, but it’s not because of what he said. Or what he did. Or how his thigh brushed mine and turned my whole body into static.I’m just… busy. With actual important things like passing my classes, keeping my girlfriend happy and not losing my mind.Except, of course, I’m doing a terrible job of all three.Tracey’s been quiet since the party. Not the cold-shoulder kind of quiet, it’s the dangerous, thoughtful kind. The kind where she’s watching me too closely, smiling too politely. It’s unnerving. Every time I touch her now, she flinches like she’s bracing for disappointment.Which makes sense, I guess. I haven’t exactly been the world’s most attentive boyfriend lately. And it’s not because of Seth. It really is not.I’m not thinking about how he looked when he leaned in too close neither am I remembering the heat of his breath or the smug little grin that curled on his lips when he whispered into my ear.I’m not.What I am thinking about or
Alex~ My mouth tastes like bad decisions and vodka-laced regret. I wake up groggy, my head pounding like a broken drum set after a rock concert. The room is dim, sun barely sneaking through the window blinds. My throat feels like sandpaper, and the only movement I can muster is a groan as I roll over—and instantly regret it. Every part of my body aches. I blink hard, trying to place myself in the room. I’m in bed—my bed, thankfully—but still wearing only my boxers. My jeans are tossed carelessly across the floor, belt twisted. My shirt is nowhere in sight. Great. I sit up, head still spinning, and that’s when I hear it. A voice. Seth’s voice. It’s low and unusually soft. Not the usual cocky or loud-mouthed tone he uses when mocking me or trying to make everyone in the room aware of his existence. This voice is careful. Vulnerable. I know I shouldn’t be listening, but I stay frozen. “I don’t care what the doctors say, Ma. You should’ve called me earlier,” S
Alex~ I’m half listening as the professor rambles on about digital user marketing and scrolls through his slides. The other half of my mind is on my roommate, the guy who seemed larger than life. To proud to not get himself noticed whenever he is around. He seemed so deflated and weak this morning. Like he had a million things on his mind and one of them was to cure world hunger. If I hadn’t witnessed him flirt with my girlfriend, maybe I’d have been able to summon some sort of pity for him but knowing that he knew Tracey in a way I didn’t, rubbed me off in the wrong way. “You, on the striped shirt.” Yikes, that is my ass the lecturer is referring to. “I need you to recap on everything I’ve said so far and we can dismiss the class for today.” With shaky hands, I point at myself but the lecturer shakes his head. “It’s the guy behind you,” my seat mate mutters and I inhale an air of relief. The other guy in the class with a striped shirt gets to his feet and de