FIVE

FRAY

“IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME.” The bartender at McSorley greeted us as soon as we settled down at my place at the bar.

“Heya, Eoghan,” I greeted him back.

“How are you, mate? Where’s that pretty girlfriend of yours?”

If this was any other place, perhaps somewhere fancier, I would've replied with “which one?” but I knew there was only one girl I’d taken here and it was Autumn. “You know she’s not my girlfriend.” I pointed at Corbin, wanting to end this conversation about Autumn and my unrequited love. “This is my brother Corbin.”

Eoghan slid his gaze to Corbin and a smile formed on his face. “Oh, I know him. He has been here for the last five years. Always come here with a toy. Do you know that superhero one with a hammer? The one that could summon lightning? Your brother put it on the table next to a pint of dark ale. What an odd company, I thought. But no judgment here.”

“You brought Thor here?” I asked Corbin incredulously and his cheeks turned bright red, confirming what Eoghan had said. I shook my head in disbelief.

“So what are you boys having?”

“Two pints of dark ales, please. And one shepherd’s pie.”

“Aye,” said Eoghan before turning around and preparing our order.

“How’s Dad and Clìodhna?” I’d never been able to call Corbin’s mum Mom since I knew she wasn’t my mother and she had never tried to be one. When Isobel had sent me to live with Dad, she accepted me into her house with open arms but she had never acted like she was my mother. Perhaps it was my fault for never giving her a chance in the first place. When I’d first moved here from England, I was big enough to know what had happened with my parents and who my mother was and like an idiot, I had always hoped that Isobel would take me back to live with her. Obviously, it was just wishful thinking as it had never happened.

“Dad has it rough. He still remembers you. Sometimes when I went home late, I saw him through the crack of his office door sitting on the floor with the family album on his lap.” Corbin exhaled and ran his hand through his blonde hair. “Sometimes he just looked forlorn but other times he cried. Mom grieved in her own way, I know she did. We both were the only people cleaning the guest house since Dad could barely look at it without having a breakdown.”

I looked at my surroundings. It was surprisingly crowded. The bar usually closed at one AM but when they had a full house they tended to close one or two hours later. Back in Ireland, we had a thing called ‘lock-in’ where the owners of the bar would lock the door and drink with the customers inside. At last, Eoghan came back with our drinks and I thought he’d simply leave it at the table and move on to the next customers but he didn’t. He pointed at the cupboard behind him and took off a photograph in black and white that he pinned on the wooden surface.

Seemingly didn’t get the memo that we had moved on from that topic, Eoghan placed the photograph in front of me next to the half-pint. “Here it is. You and your girlfriend. Well, the girlfriend you never admitted.”

It was a photograph of Autumn and I laughing at something that I couldn’t remember now. We both looked so young and so carefree. So much had changed in the span of four years. She hadn’t had a baby back then and I hadn’t had cancer.

“You both look happy,” Corbin commented. “Is this from five years ago?”

There were many emotions inside of me that I had no doubt would show in my voice should I answer him so I settled with a nod.

“Bring her here sometime, Frazier.” Eoghan smiled fondly. “She seems like a lovely girl.”

After Eoghan had left, I asked Corbin about Autumn but I didn’t get enough information to satisfy my curiosity nor answer my burning questions. All Corbin knew was that Autumn took a semester off, her baby was born within a year after I was supposedly dead, and she came back later with a bang.

“She was so determined to graduate with the rest of us despite taking a semester off. She took so many classes and worked harder than anyone I know.” Corbin shook his head, admiration shone in her blue irises.

“Then who took care of her baby?” I thanked the waiter who brought the shepherd pie and placed it in front of me. “Did her parents come here or did she put her baby in daycare?” I took the cutlery and began eating.

Corbin’s brows lowered as he took a long drink, gulping down the dark liquid. “I think Tyler took care of her baby when she had her classes. They always arranged their schedule so one of them could stay at home and keep an eye on the baby.”

I nearly choked and had to take a drink. “Wait, Tyler? He told me that the baby wasn’t his.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t his baby.” Corbin shrugged. “But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t help her.”

Corbin was right. I should be glad that Tyler had been there for her. 

Out of curiosity, I blurted out the burning question that had been eating me inside. “Do you know who’s the father?”

Corbin looked a little bit uncomfortable but he answered anyway. “Nobody knows. Some people said she had a one-night stand and got herself knocked up. Others said she was switching partners trying to get over her ex and wasn’t being careful.”

My mouth fell open. I couldn’t believe that was the case yet at the same time, I knew hearing that I was dead could drive her spiraling. Or worse, she could’ve blamed herself for what happened thinking that it was her fault. Where the hell was that idiot Tyler? He should’ve stopped her from doing reckless things.

How the hell did she end up pregnant under his watch? I was beyond furious.

“What did Autumn say?”

“Nothing.” Corbin shrugged one shoulder. Before I asked further, he continued, “And I didn’t ask her. I didn’t ask Tyler either if you’re going to ask me that.”

I clamped my mouth shut. My brother knew me too well.

“I’m more of Tyler’s friend than Autumn’s. I respect both of them so I never ask anything, I didn’t want to pry. I’m sure if they want to tell me, they will, and if they don’t, that’s fine too.”

“So Tyler took care of her baby. Do they still live together?”

“Back then? Yeah, they lived together until Ty went to Oxford.” Corbin shrugged as if it was no big deal. But it was.

“Tyler’s in Oxford?”

“He’s pursuing a master’s degree. He graduated one year earlier than the rest of us and got himself a scholarship. You went to Oxford too, right? You told me on the way here. Haven’t you ever met Ty there?”

I shook my head. “Never.” I would’ve remembered if I had and I would’ve drilled him with questions about Autumn and their relationship. I would desperately try to find out whether I might still have a chance with her.

“Well, maybe because you’re pursuing business major and he’s into science. Anyway, I think Autumn moved to a smaller apartment after that. I’m not sure. As I said, I’m more of Tyler’s friends than Autumn’s. She seems busy lately though with her business.”

“What kind of business?” At this point, I was well aware that I was interrogating my brother about Autumn but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to know everything about her. 

“She has this event organizer company. It’s called Summers Event Management. I was invited when they first opened their office about five and a half years ago. She worked there full time while she took one semester off but then she worked part-time afterwards, all the while being a single mum. Honestly, she’s an amazing woman. A super woman, for sure.”

I nodded. I remembered her telling me back when we were in Columbia about how she loved management and hated macroeconomics. I was happy that she finally followed her passion. I made a mental note to look it up and recommend it to my friends and colleagues who lived here in New York.

* * *

“Can you please tell Dad and Clìodhna that Isobel is a lying bitch?”

Corbin laughed. “It won’t be hard and I’ll risk them thinking I was crazy but I’ll do it.”

“And could you—” I cleared my throat and stared at the pavement between my shoes. We were standing in front of the now-closed McSorley’s. “—could you ask them if it’s okay for me to meet them?”

My brother threw his arms around me. His hug was tight as if he was still in disbelief and he wanted to prove to himself that I was real and alive. “Of course! They would definitely want to meet you. They both miss you, man.”

I sucked in my breath and felt my eyes stinging. “And I miss them. I miss you. I miss everyone.”

* * *

I stayed in the lobby of the Marriot hotel doing nothing but trying and failing to mollify the boiling feelings inside of me. When I’d decided to come back to New York, I knew it was going to be different. That the city itself and my surroundings would not be the same as when I had left. Still, I didn’t expect to be overwhelmed by information like this.

The clock showed that it was seven in the morning. Natalie and I had a flight back to London at eleven. With a groan that did not sound coming from my throat, I rose to my feet and walked my way all the way to the tenth floor through the emergency stairs knowing that I needed the walk to clear my head.

Natalie had her suitcase and mine ready by the time I entered our bedroom.

“Ready to go?” she asked me cheerily as if nothing had happened last night. As if I hadn’t turned down her proposition. “I haven’t had breakfast. I thought we could have it in the lounge at the airport. What do you say?”

“I’m not going.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry, Natalie, but I have unfinished business here that I need to take care of.” Her eyes widened in shock, her mouth was opened and ready to shout at me but I raised my hand to stop her. “Before you waste your breath, I just want to tell you that there’s absolutely nothing you could say that will change my mind. Enjoy your flight.”

I turned around and left. I didn’t even bother to collect my suitcase. I had everything I needed.