Pulling Off The Impossible

Excerpt of What’s in Store

She turned and I had to watch her talking to him. I had no clue why but when I saw Autumn laughing with Tyler, touching his arm, as they both stood there looking like the world’s best couple, something inside me snapped. I couldn’t keep my gaze off of them. It was almost as if they were glued to them, to their every move. Especially to her face, her smile, the glint in her dark brown eyes.

Coming here was clearly a mistake. It was better to stay away. At least I could dance around the idea that she was missing me every now and then. But it had been too damn long.

Five years, ten months, and twenty-two days since the last time we were in the same room although I could hardly call it a room, more like a small confined space in the back of the ambulance. She’d been frantic, tears strolling down her beautiful face, and I had been so afraid of dying yet at the same time glad that she was there for me in the last moment of my life. Images were plastered beneath my eyes and I tried hard to shake them all off.

My shoulders were too tense, my muscles taut and my neck hurt. I took a deep breath and looked back down at Natalie Preston. She had this odd expression on her face that I couldn’t interpret. “What?”

“Great. You didn’t listen to a word I said.” Nat took a deep breath, seemingly trying to calm herself. “It’s her, isn’t it?” she finally asked after a moment or two.

“Pardon?”

“That girl. The brunette. She’s the reason why we’ve never had sex.”

“Is this your way of telling me that you wish copulation to be added to our menu?” I joked.

She seemed to ignore me altogether as she continued to talk as if I hadn't said a word. “She’s the reason I only got a fucking forehead kiss even after four months of dating. Gosh, I’m such an idiot.” Nat let out a deep sigh, lifting her hand to touch the side of her temple as if it would cure her sudden headache. “I thought it’s because you’re of royal blood that you’re trying to court me or something. I should’ve known that you’ve never moved on from your ex.”

“She’s not my ex,” I answered curtly, dropping my eyes to the surface of champagne I was holding in my right hand.

“Yet she’s the reason you’re always hurting. Tell me, why are you still pinning on her?”

How could I not? She was the reason I continued fighting the deadly disease, she was the reason I wanted to live.

AUTUMN 

“STOP WORRYING.” I gave out a small laugh as I kept the fridge door open with my elbow and put a cart of milk on the shelf then closed the door while my other hand was holding the phone close to my ear. “I’m sure Colton won't notice that you haven’t shaved your legs.”

Instead of giving my best friend some sort of reassurance, it caused her to groan. “Oh, he will notice, Autumn! He notices everything! The other day he even noticed a pimple on my forehead that I tried to hide with my side bang.” Jess always struck me as one of those cool girls with a relaxed upbringing yet right now, in the middle of her honeymoon, she started to panic about every small detail. Like her current predicament that involved her forgetting to bring her shaving cream and razor. “Damn. I’m so stupid! How can I forget the damn thing?!”

“Um, maybe because you're human?” I provided as I walked towards the living room and lowered myself to one-seater. The soft leather dipped as I sat down and crossed my legs. “Seriously, Jess, take a deep breath. You’re gonna be fine. Trust me. I’m your best friend for over a decade and I’m telling you that things are gonna be fine.”

She did as I asked and exhaled. “I just want it to be perfect.”

“I know.” I smiled, wondering if she realized how great everything was for her. Jess and Colton had been dating since way back when we were still in Carlton High and they survived college life. Many years had passed and their love was stronger than ever. It wasn’t that they’d never fought, they did just like any other couple. They bickered and argued. But they always made up in the end, they compromised.

I hated to think of this about my best friend but I craved what she had. Someone who loved her, someone who supported her. I even missed having someone to bicker with, someone who would argue with me because lately, I had been making decisions on my own. The only perspective I had was my own and no matter how many times Jess or Mey or Norma — any of my best friends, said that it was the best thing to decide on my own, I disagreed. It sucked.

Since Tyler had left for Oxford, my life was even quieter. My parents and brother came to visit from time to time yet it was different. Whenever I asked my parents about something that had to do with Severus, they would either give me a lecture or answer me based on their experience — which was sometimes outdated. Steven didn’t have any kids so he wasn’t able to give me any usable advice either. I wanted someone that would help me figure things out instead of making decisions for me or shoving their opinion on my face and giving me a patronizing lecture when I disagreed.

“Babe, are you still there?”

I blinked away those thoughts and forced my focus back on Jess. “Yes. Yes. What’s up?”

“How’s Sev?”

Just like always, I smiled whenever someone mentioned my baby boy. It was a reflex, maternal instinct perhaps. “He’s great. He’s sleeping now.”

“Did you find his — err, what did he call it? That toy he lost last Sunday.”

I groaned, leaning back against the couch and closing my eyes. “Mjölnir. No, I still haven’t found it yet and I’m running out of reasons to give him.”

“Hmm. Have you told him that an alien abducted it?”

“Yes. I did. And I have to spend three hours explaining to him what an alien is.”

Sev was very inquisitive. Most of the time, he exhausted all queries his brain could come up with before he finally let the topic go. His preschool teacher said that it was a good trait, that he was curious, but most of the time, I wished Tyler was here because he was literally a walking encyclopedia. I was not even half as good as he was.

Even in the midst of his busy schedule, Tyler still Skyped Sev twice or thrice every week and they would spend at least two hours talking. I was glad that he still kept in touch despite the geographical distance between us as he lived in Oxford while Sev and I lived in New York. But sometimes, it was hard for me to always maintain a happy visage as if everything was great at my end just so he wouldn’t worry. The last time I made a slip-up and ended up ranting about how difficult being a single mom for three years while struggling with college, he said he would drop his degree and come back to New York. It was a typical Tyler. He’d always been a reliable guy and it was something I admired from him. Still, I wouldn’t want him to jeopardize his education so I pulled up a front and swallowed any issues I had whenever he called.

“So, babe, are you going to come?”

I frowned, unsure what she was referring to. “Where? To Bali with you?”

“No!” Jess chuckled. “No way I’m letting anyone come to my honeymoon, even you, babe, I’m sorry. I mean the reunion. You told me you got the invitation two days ago, right?”

My gaze automatically fell upon the small envelope on the desk two feet away from me. I was debating whether to come or not. It seemed ages ago since I met everyone from Columbia yet at the same time, I didn’t know if I could leave Sev to childcare again after the last incident that had happened.

“I’m not sure,” I said at the end of a sigh. “It’s silly, don’t you think? We just graduated about a year or so ago, why would we need a reunion?! Usually a reunion happens when people haven’t met in at least a decade.”

“Well, silly it may be, but it’s a chance to gather around and have a great time with your college friends, right? And maybe he’ll come, you know—”

“Jess,” I drawled, subtly warning her.

“Hey, I’m just saying.” We stayed silent for a moment before Jess sighed. “Look, Autumn.” It sounded as if she switched ears before she continued, “I still don’t know how on earth you’re not a little bit curious about him. You’ve spent, what, two or three years thinking he’s dead when he’s pretty much alive and kicking all the way in the U.K. Don’t you want to talk to him? Maybe drop him an email or something?”

I took a deep breath, preparing myself because I knew what Jess would say. She’d said it multiple times and I knew she was going to say it again at this very moment.

“He deserves to know, babe. It’s his son. You can’t keep this up. You need to tell him.”

* * *

After the phone call with Jess had ended, I placed the phone on the empty space next to me and bent forward to grab the invitation card. It was this Sunday night. Not sure who was foolish enough to plan this, well aware that everyone would have a hangover on Monday. As I stared at the envelope, I remembered my conversation with Tyler when he finally had settled in Oxford.

I’d been crying for days after I’d seen the photo of Frazier in one of Oxford university’s catalogs. I was so grateful that he was still alive because the guilt had been killing me for what seemed like forever. He’d died trying to save me from the Italian mafia. Knowing that he’d survived made me happy yet I couldn’t think of any reason why he chose to move back to England without saying goodbye.

Had he thought our friendship was nothing? Was that the reason why his mother had lied saying that he died? Had I broken his heart?

“I’ve seen him, Autumn. I know which faculty he’s in. Do you want me to punch him?”

“No!” I quickly replied, my tone sounded harsh that Tyler wasn’t the only one surprised by it. I closed my eyes briefly, calming myself down, before I opened them and continued, “I don’t want him hurt.”

“But he hurt you, Autumn,” said Tyler with a hint of frustration. “He lied to you!”

“Technically his mom lied. Not him.”

“You do realize that’s bullshit right? He was a freaking twenty-one years old — now twenty-six. He could face you and tell you the truth instead of pretending that he died. He should know better than you’ll be hurt by that!”

“Maybe he has his own reasons,” I mumbled quietly, unsure why I defended him. I told myself that I merely did so because he wasn’t here to defend himself.

Tyler was quiet for a full three minutes but I knew he was there. The call was still connected and I could hear his breathing. When he finally spoke, his voice was so small that it seemed like he was talking from a distance. “You really like him, huh?”

“No.” I cursed myself inwardly. Who was I trying to kid? “I mean, yes, I guess. I don’t know, Ty. I don’t have much time to figure it out.”

Silence fell between us for one more time. I took in the view in between the cracked door of Sev sleeping in his bed, holding his stuffed toy. Every time I looked at him and had him stare at me with his big grey eyes, I was reminded of his father, of Frazier. And each time, my heart broke a little and I had to hold him against my chest to draw strength to heal and live on.

I breathed in deeply and let go, preparing myself for an out due conversation that Tyler and I should’ve had ages ago. He’d never asked any questions but that didn’t mean he didn’t deserve some sort of explanation. A closure.

“Ty, I don’t know how I feel for him. Even then, I didn’t know either. How could I? I was still in a relationship with you and even after you left, after you broke up with me,” I heard him taking a sharp intake of breath but didn’t stop, “I was confused with the whole thing. I thought we were the end game. I thought exes should stay in the past as you said back when we were in Carlton High. But the second you saw Faith, you forgot everything about us.”

“Autumn, you know that’s not true. There’s nothing going on between Faith and me.”

“I know that now but I didn’t know it back then. All I knew was you left me for your ex. I was stubborn, believing that I couldn’t throw away what we had so easily, so I didn’t give up. I tried to find out the real reason you left me. Frazier was there. He has always been there for me. But I was so fixated on you that I didn’t pay much attention to him. And when you hurt me, those words you’d said to me in your parents’ wedding, I went back to the old ways — do things I always did whenever someone hurt me.”

Tears prickled my eyes and I blinked them all away. It was still hurt talking about it even though the year had gone by.

“I used him, Ty, I shouldn’t have done that. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten him involved when I knew he had feelings for me. Then it was all gone downhill from there until out of the blue he forgave me. I should’ve known something was up but I didn’t.” This time the tears came down rolling and I let them. I let them create a small river flow down my cheeks that dropped down to my lap. “Now even though I knew he’s alive and for some unknown reason he didn’t tell me and let me believe otherwise, I couldn’t blame him because I’ve hurt him, Ty. And as much as it hurts me that he left, I could never hurt him again. I couldn’t let you hurt him.”

Tyler’s reply was brief. “Got it.”

We talked about something else, mostly about Sev, before we ended the call that day. It had been two years since and we had never mentioned Frazier.

I picked up my phone and dialed Ashwini, one of my friends from work who had two kids and sometimes helped me look after Sev. She picked up my call after the third time. “Hi, Ash, are you free this Sunday?”