Chapter 6

Alicia’s Pov

I stared at myself in the mirror, for the hundredth time probably to make sure I didn’t look like a wimp before walking down the stairs and settling on the dining table. I’m nervous, feeling this way was inevitable and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to act. I said I wasn’t going to continue whatever was going on with Jason, then I said why not enjoy it but now I feel sick to my stomach. It’s wrong, it’s all wrong, everything about it is wrong but why don’t I hate it? Why am I not disgusted? Shouldn't I not be able to stand the sight of him? Shouldn’t I feel repulsed when our eyes meet? Shouldn’t I cuss him out for being okay with the constant flirting and the fucking sexy texts he shoots me in between breakfast?

I try not to respond but my fingers are constantly begging me to do something and I end up picking up my phone and my lips twitch upwards when I read his messages. He’s sitting right in front of me while my mum moves around in the kitchen. She’s back early. Her night shifts always left her exhausted but here she was rambling about her co-worker, again.

“Alicia, be a darling and look out for Jason. I know he’s been in your school for a while anyway but you know boys, they need motherly love all the time and if they don’t get it from their mothers since they’re a long miles away, they seek it in their girlfriends.”

I almost snorted.

“Jason honey, do you have a girlfriend?”

My face whipped towards him and our eyes met. Does he have a girlfriend? There was a sort of hesitation in his eyes, I could feel it. He didn’t have a girlfriend right? He shouldn’t? Why the fuck would he have one? And who am I to have a say in that when I have a boyfriend who isn’t even fucking me but I’m still exchanging naughty texts with my cousin.

“No, no I don’t. I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.” Jason said and I smiled inside. That’s good, he should only focus on me.

What the fuck? I sound so desperate and pathetic sometimes. I was lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear him ask me if he wanted us to take his car to school instead of going separately. I don’t think that’s a good idea but at the same time, I want it.

I want him.

Before I could answer, my mum was already chiming in as usual. “Yeah, go together so Alicia can save some gas, she’s always spending so much money on that second hand car of hers.”

This woman. “Mum, you don’t have to embarrass me sometimes. Some things are better left unsaid and I’m an adult.”

“An adult and a virgin at that.”

Jesus Christ. It’s like my whole body froze and I felt weak and limp like my body would break into tiny pieces if I fell on the floor now. Jason doesn’t know this! This was a huge piece of information that I kept away from him and now he knows. My mum doesn’t just know how to shut up. I can’t look at him, I know he’s looking at me, I can feel his stare, his intense gaze and why I’d love to be looked at like that, it should be over something else and not the fact that he just found out that I’m a virgin.

I need to get out of here and fast. “I’ll take my own car, bye.” I didn’t wait for a response from either of them but I knew my mum was chuckling. I seriously don’t like that woman sometimes but I do love her to bits but she can be so annoying. No wonder her husband probably loves her more, they suit each other. My dad is even worse.

I unlocked my car and got in immediately. The worst case scenario is Jason rushing out of that door to try and talk about it because I’m already so embarrassed I could eat a rock if it could save me from how embarrassed I am. And he’s so sexy-God, who looks that good in the morning?.

To think he’s just in a plain black shirt and simple jeans but damn—those thighs can crush me and I would’ve even mind. And his hands, do I have a hand fetish? Is that a thing? At least it’s not a foot fetish and this isn’t me going after people who do, y’all do you but be honest, it’s a little weird to get turned on over someone else’s feet. Christ.

And those green eyes, I don’t know—I just, he’s like a siren calling me towards him but not with a song, not with a beautiful voice because I’d laugh my ass off if he randomly starts singing and it sounds bad but he’s calling me with his body, his pretty eyes, his gorgeous gorgeous skin and face, and that jaw? Slice me open sir, those damn biceps, I wanna touch him so bad, and his personality—ignore that, I don’t really care about his personality but maybe I care about the part where you remove all the words attached to ‘P’ and add four more words.

I’m such an idiot and I’m giggling even though I’m embarrassed but that was a good one. I don’t even wanna go to school and then end up seeing the most boring person on earth, my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, oh well, you can get me wrong but Michael is so boring that I actually feel bad for both him and myself. And he’s popular? Or is he just bored with me? Do I make him act boring? How does a 6 foot guy not know how to turn his girlfriend on? He has a huge sex appeal but what does he even use it for? He’s gorgeous but Jason beats him. And why am I comparing them? What is wrong with me?

But it’s true, Jason is probably 6 '1 or so, I’m not sure, I can’t tell but he’s tall, the kind of tall that I have in my fantasies and he’s so much hotter than Michael. Micheal acts like a gentleman but I swear, I know he’s not. It’s like he’s pretending to be one until his true side shows which is in bed. But Jason? Heavens forbid that I don’t have those beautiful hands roaming all over my body. He’s oozing more than sex appeal, he has so much confidence and his smiles and laughs are to die for. He makes me grin over a ‘Hey, are you okay?’. Because he cares and he’s been at my house for two days, just two days and in those hours, I’ve constantly wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and go to his room but even though I act like a major whore over texts with him, I’m inexperienced, some might tag me innocent even if they see me but I know I’m far from that. I’m not innocent, just inexperienced and I know Jason can tiptoe around my inexperience.

He’s shown me so much over a couple of texts this summer, he’s told me so much, he’s turned me on every single day we exchanged texts. I don’t know what to do with myself and I do know I want him to ‘do’ me. I just—I don’t know how to explain it but I think it’s unhealthy how much I’m ignoring the fact that we’re family just to feel his body on mine, pressing me into a hard surface and doing those things he said he would do to me. Like when he said on the 19th of august—yes I remember the date, that’s how bad it is. He said he’d press me into whatever hard surface he sees and kiss me so much that my legs would feel like jelly afterwards and I’m never been sane since then.

I imagined it all the time, getting pressed into a door, on the kitchen counter, lifted atop of it, getting roughly handled and bent over a table, our dining table to be precise, getting bent over the trunk of his car. I even gave myself a smut break and wrote about it. Whenever I read it, I feel so good, I feel mushy like I’m gonna melt. I always wondered what his lips would feel like, taste like, I wanna know so bad it makes me want to cry. Does he bite? Nibble? Does he moan into kisses? Does he say things while kissing someone? Does he gasp into kisses? Does he grab the waist of whoever he’s kissing? Does he try to grind on them while they’re making out? Does he pull the bottom lip of the person he’s kissing? Does he moan their name? Does he take deep breaths or hiss if the kiss is so so good, does he whine into kisses? I wanna know, I just really wanna know and I won’t know until he kisses me and obviously, I’d be dumb as fuck to watch him kiss someone else just to find these things out.

I’m getting out of control.