Chap 4: [AHOE] - He

That day, when she rushed to push me out of that glass, tried to touch my face with her last breath, smiled weakly and said to me "Please be happy", I knew that for the past ten years, I was wrong, totally wrong.

She was in a coma for ten months, which was also the ten months I spent in hell. The monologue-like messages she sent me, the cards I'd never read, the items she quietly stacked in my drawers, the decor in the house, her vestiges, one by one hurted my heart. Her eyes, her smile, her voice that I have never paid attention to, unconsciously laid in my deep heart, tormented my soul.

The day she opened her eyes, was also the day my world reborn.

- Han, are you feeling guilty for that accident? – Suddenly when I was helping to wash the dishes, she asked.

- No need, I volunteered. Don't try to repay me. I don't intend to use that accident to tie you down. - She bowed her head and said like that.

- Not because of that accident, Erin. - I hesitated, finally decided to speak up. I pulled her sleeve, make her look up at me, and said seriously:

- It's because I love you.

CLASH!!! The glass in her hand fell down and broke.

- Are you okay? - I panicked, quickly picked her up and walked out. But when I was about to put her down to look for a broom for cleaning, she panicked and pulled at the hem of my shirt.

- How are you? Are you injured somewhere?

As soon as I asked, hot drops of water fell on my shoulder. My body burned, stiffened.

When she regained her composure, she told me to let her go. I hold her more tightly, heard her choking:

- Don't be like that. I really don't have the ability to refuse you.

- Then don't refuse. I really have guilty feeling, also really want to repay you, but not in this way, Erin. – I stopped to take a deep breath – My love came late, make you wait for ten years, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. But I still selfishly want to ask you to accept my love, could you, please?

Tears suddenly spilled out of her eyes, she hastily wiped them away, but couldn't wipe them all. I hugged her again, and thought bitterly that was the first time I saw her cry. Not because she never cry, but because she never cry in front of me.

Day by day, watching her embarrassment, her wariness, her surprise and insecurity when receiving my love, I realized that for the past ten years I have hurt this girl's love too deeply. I regret it, I hate myself for those years. I used to think that I agreed to get married and let her be called "my wife" was an excessive return for her love. Not a single day I had thought about her feelings, or had intended to complete the responsibility of a husband. No accepting, no refusing, no taking charge. The more I think about it, the more I feel that she's good at everything, only not good at evaluating people, loving such a bastard like me for so long. But I also secretly thank God, thank her, for persistently staying with me until now. From now on, I will not allow anyone to hurt this girl anymore.

But then the endless nightmares came to torment the person I love every night. At an unbearable moment, she cried on my shoulder, choked to say that in order to return to this life, she had contracted with the devil to give him half of her life; that another girl will come, along with the lies and struggles, steal my love from her; and I I would sooner or later be charmed, leave her. Of course I don't believe it. I don't believe anything else can shake my love for her.

I didn't expect the myth to be true, nor did I expect that other girl to come from her inside.

The first time I met that girl, I couldn't differentiate them, just vaguely treated her well, and hugged her to sleep. You can imagine how broken her eyes were when she woke up. It wasn't long before she burst into tears and said to me, "She's here."

That hurt both of us for a long time. But it was only the beginning of the tragedy. We neither know when that girt come again nor have a way to block her. We even thought about setting our own password. But the password can't be checked every ten seconds, yet she's like a youkai able to transform in a split second. She was like a bomb waiting to explode and destroy our lives. Once, twice, then thrice, every time I woke up, saw her numb eyes and distored smile, I wanted to use a knife to poke directly into my eyes, and slit the pupils out. Having eyes, but alike to the blind. I hate myself for being indistinguishable, hate myself for being immersed in the other girl's eyes times after times...

One night, I was drunk home, and she made a warm soup for me, took care of me. When she helped me back to room, we fell into the bed, and the next situation naturally took place. But she suddenly stopped me, looked at me with a systematic look, said to me:

- I'm not her.

It was her first time showing herself in person. I immediately pushed her away, rushed to the balcony, light a cigarette.

A little while after, she stepped in front of me, mumbled:

- Look at me.

- Please, just once.

I tried, but failed to bear that poor voice, finally turned around. She just looked at me deeply and asked:

- At the end, what am I different from her?

- Except for the face, everything is different. - I took a puff of my cigarette, spoke. She didn't say anything after that, just heard her footsteps leaving. But when about to leave the room, she said:

- I went to the next room to sleep.

As if worry for me, she added:

- I won't do anything harmful, don't worry, just go back to sleep.

That night I couldn't sleep anymore.

Perhaps she didn't pretend to be her since then, only suddenly appeared at midnight.

In a certain night, while feeling she was leaving my embrace, I vaguely hold her back. But very quickly, she said:

- Don't move. It's me.

As soon as I understood the meaning of those words, I woke up and almost jumped away from her. She showed no expression then, gently stood up and smiled slightly:

- Just keep sleeping.

I subconsciously followed her back, as if lost in a distant memory. It's the same as before. Still like that, no matter what I did, or other girls did, she just smiled as if sorry for bothering, and quietly left without a single sentence of criticizing. I did not dare to admit that at that time I had a desire of holding that girl back. I knew I was shaken. I was scared. I was so scared that I quietly put the long pillow from years ago between us to its original place.

One night, in my somnolence, I felt a gentle hand stroking my hair. I was immersed in the familiar softness, relaxed and continued to sleep. She always didn't know how easily I was awake, in rare occasions when I slept at home, she so quietly looked at me and stroked my hair. What a silly girl to satisfy with such a small sneaky sweetness. But then, I suddenly remembered, that was the past ten years. My Erin no longer had to deal with such petty happiness. It had to be that girl. But… after that recognization, I still pretended to sleep. I didn’t know why. Or… I knew, I just couldn’t admit.

After a while, I heard a very soft voice:

- It really couldn’t be me, right?

The heart in my chest was suffocated, and my breathing stopped. I knew she hadn’t asked me. She was just whispering to the darkness.

Like a century of silence had passed before I heard her voice again:

- Please be happy.

I forgot to pretend, opened my eyes to see her. Her eyes were like a broken crystal ball, the silver river silently overflowed, and as soon as realizing my sight, she turned around to leave. I hated that moment, hated the way my whole soul was shaken, hated the unconsciously painful from the bottom of my heart despited of knowing it’s not my girl, hated myself for quietly keeping that moment for so long.

A long time after that, I woke up in the midnight, felt that my bedside was cold. I seemed to know where to look for her. I walked into the next room and gently opened the door. She did not sleep, sat on the balcony hugging her knees, with the phone besides, stared blankly at the dark night in front of her. The crescent moon drew dreary fade streaks of light across the floor, casted a shadow over her thin back. I didn’t know why I was coming inside. She seemed startled to turn around, weakly said when seeing me:

- Don't come near. It's me.

- I'm sorry, but I can’t control to come or go. Please be alone just for one night.

Since then, she did not appeared again. Until one day when I just entered the house, heard her horrible screams, rushed in and found her struggling with herself. She was covered in blood, her expression changed grisly, between the attacker and the attacked. I rushed to grab the knife, just in time to hear her sobbing: “She wants to kill me”. When I once again hugged that weak, bloody body and ran to the hospital, saw my girl fade away in my arms, no words could describe my terrified feeling, my hatred for myself. How accursed I was, how foolish I was with the shake of heart, the hesitation!!!

The moment I heard doctor talking about the baby, I swore, if she hadn't been in her body, I would have rushed to tear her apart.

She was a demon. Malicious and deceitful to the point of taking advantage of Erin’s past image to make me confused.

I couldn't tolerate her anymore. Couln't be charmed by her. Couldn't let her cause any more damage to Erin.