Starting Again and Falling For Him

"Why are you so unhappy, Pearl? You've got a nice house. A good life. Nothing is ever good enough for you!"  Her husband Paul yelled as he grabbed his suitcase and headed toward the door.

"Please don't go, Paul! Please. I know what you're up to. You're going to see HER!" Pearl cried. She wasn't stupid, she was desperate and lost.

"You don't know me at all. You always make me out to be the bad guy when you're a mess and can't even manage your own emotions. You're the problem.  And you need to fix it. It's not always so dramatic, Pearl. You really need to get ahold of yourself." Paul said as he slammed the door behind him.

Pearl fell to the floor in her foyer. She sobbed like a child for what felt like forever. Once she pulled herself together, she looked around. She had worked so hard to decorate her house and make it look like a home. As she scanned the room through her tears, she realized it all meant nothing. They were only things, meaninglessness things. All for show. All lacking of substance. She laughed to herself as she looked at the white, fluffy pillows and soft chenille blanket thrown perfectly over the cornflower blue couch that was chosen for it's positive reviews and because the color matched the walls almost identically. None of those things could make her husband love her.

She had known for awhile Paul was cheating. He was a liar and a gaslighter. The therapy that she had been taking behind his back opened her eyes to so much of what was going on. For years, she had been told she was the problem. And for years, she believed it.

It wasn't always like this. When they first met, he was charming and kind and made her feel like a princess. Surprise dates, flowers. She met Paul when she was very young, still in college. She was naive and idealistic at the time. He was an athlete and popular. A year older than she was and always had tons of friends and girls around. She was more of a wallflower, avid reader, wrote poetry. She only had a few friends. John Young and his girlfriend Janie were two of them. John and Pearl were in a garage band together and found themselves to be fast friends with much in common. She liked to write songs and even though she was shy, she loved to sing. It was her way of breaking out of her shell, a little.

Meeting Paul was a huge help to her self esteem. This popular guy liked her. It was like a fairytale. He proposed to her in his car one night, after they went to see a movie. It was simple but special. She said yes without hesitation. If she had only known what that answer would bring into her life.

A decade of misery and emotional abuse.

She picked herself up off the floor and looked at the door. She knew it was time. She had been building up to this day for almost a year. She had been saving money and had applied for an apartment closer to the city and her job. She was going to do it this time. She was going to leave him.

All she had were most of her clothes, a few dishes, some blankets, all of her books and journals and any photographs and important documents she wanted to keep. She left everything else. She was going to go into this with nothing. Not only did she not want those things because of the tainted reminders they carried, but she had hoped it would incline Paul to be more agreeable to the divorce, when she filed. 

She knew she had to do this. She knew it was what needed to happen. It didn't make it any less difficult or sad. 

She was grateful she and Paul never had children. He always said he wanted them but she knew that was all for show. He was too selfish to love anything other than himself. Plus, their intimate life was almost non-existent. He barely ever touched her and when he did, it was fast and obligatory. They had maybe been intimate 5 times in the last 3 years. And that was overestimated. He was controlling. He tried to object to her having a car but he finally agreed to finance one for her, as long as it was in his name. So not only was she leaving her home, but she was leaving her car as well. 

They loaded the items of furniture at John's house and headed to Pearl's new place. She was meeting the landlord there to sign the lease and get the key. It was very last minute and the only way she could pull it all off without Paul knowing. She made her way up the stairs and knocked on the door. It was a small building with 4 units. Hers was the top floor with a balcony. She was thrilled about the outdoor space. It was one bedroom with a small room off the living room with French doors that was perfect for a small office/library. The only thing she didn't like was that the only entrance was an entry into the kitchen, but she would find a way to deal with it. This landlord was being very kind to her, she had no rental references and very little credit, but she had saved enough for the deposit and three months rent in advance as well as having enough left over to buy a bed and a cheap car.